As it draws near...

The leaves are gone and as I look outside the nearby window...all I see are lifeless trees. Bare and torn naked for the winter cold. How does losing it all seem to protect the life inside? What exactly triggers a tree, after losing all of its leaves to push out new buds and begin a new cycle of flowering? If only we could learn from nature...
How can we easily trust that when springtime comes around, new trees and flowers will emerge yet doubt when God says "The plan I have for your life is beyond what any eye can see or ear hear?"? I can't say anything...I fall into the category of doubting. Like trees in winter, I was stripped bare (still am) but it is in being stripped, that I realize the leaves I wanted to hold on for so long needed to be gone in order for new ones to emerge when the right time came along...if only I knew this earlier. I would've been stronger. More faithful. Less reluctant to accept the pain and hurt.
The year is changing (obviously) and with that comes new year resolutions and all the jazzy "promised" changes...I have none of that. The soil has been broken in. The seed planted since birth is ready to germinate...or should I say grow. It's been a wonderfully painful year; I've shed many tears to find out that I can't do it on my own. And giving help to those who need it is way easier than receiving help. I've been humbled, broken, bruised...but better off than I started the year. My strength does come from my Father and becomes even greater when those who love me for me understand my unspoken needs. Even when I'm silent they seek the voice in me...I've always known how to say "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you" or "I love you" but never in the context of when it truly mattered, when it was crucial. As the end of the year draws near, I smile. 2008 began with me crying because of loss that was necessary to strip heavy hearts...I'll always miss my grandma but I'm thankful. I can smile from my heart again. 2009 will be a great year...a year in which many, many trees will bear fruits...all in the love and name of God. Until the next year...one luv.

Happy New Year 2009!

Decisions, decisions...

In one week, I got my Christmas present early from God and a heart-wrenching decision that could effect the present validity of the present. It's like deciding between getting married with the "one" and spending a last Christmas with a dying loved one. I know what you're thinking: move the wedding date. Not easily done. It'll postpone the weddings for a length of 2 years...(no, I'm not getting married)...

On a good note, though, things are looking up. For almost two weeks, I've been at peace with things in my life. I need to have devotions in the morning...since I'll be fasting for the decision I might have to make.

Well, this thought never really became an action. I'll leave this as it...

Closing the final chapter

I was cruising down memory lane (well not really) and wondering if there were a few last things I needed to do. You know when a relationship abruptly ends, you cut off all means of reminiscing/remembering the person? I do. I delete the emails, pictures, online conversations, anything that I've ever shared is thrown away. I thought I was done and was proud of myself for not writing a poem that would somehow verbalize the pain of then. I found out today I did write a thought on the subject matter:

"I thought I'd be broken by what you did. Instead two trails of tears glistened my tired
face, followed by the numbing of my heart. I'm confused...not lost. (Fall 2008)"

There it was. It wasn't a poem (it can't be) and yet it summarized my feelings perfectly. Confused (a little hurt too, you know) but not lost (or in despair). Now, it seemed like nothing really ever happened and if it did, I recovered pretty swiftly. Not on my own of course (with divine intervention). I deleted the one thing I thought a year ago I wouldn't be able to do. It was an honestly good feeling...kind of like saying goodbye childhood and welcoming adulthood. It's a nice feeling and I'm looking forward to many things, but one day at a time. I've been out there trying to prove myself...for what? I believe whoever "he" will be won't need me to prove anything. And oh, about my insecurities, who doesn't have them? This time around though I won't let them get the best of me. Ok, it's past my bedtime (and yours too for that matter). I'm off to la-la land (more like the kitchen; dishes need to be washed). It's been a long day running around in Manhattan. Ok, until next time...hopefully the year won't change yet. =)

No secret ingredient

Ever had one of those moments where you're finally at point that you want to be in but there's some doubt lingering in the back of your mind about whether you're good enough for that position? Or where you look around at your competition and realize that there's just a lot you're missing to be like them? Isn't that exactly the point of being you though?

I've had this struggle since I was little. The struggle of never being good enough. My parents had a tough relationship and I felt the strain in the relationship so acutely that it affected how I treat some important things or people in life. No matter what I did to please my parents when I was younger, it just never seemed good enough...especially when it came to my mom. When I became a baptized believer, I thought I could practice the "goodness of my heart" to heaven. I kept falling flat on my face. I would never be good enough to be worth the sacrifice of an innocent man--never. That realization alone, as easy as it sounds, took me a while to accept. Now, as a work in progress, I've made it a life-journey to continue bettering myself and those around me, in light of that we'll never be perfect. God accepts us as we are but continues to work on and in us to make us more like Him: holy, loving, patient, kind, compassionate, serving, and always graceful.

So, as the year is quickly coming to an end...I've learned in the midst of a difficult summer, that there is no secret ingredient to greatness. We each have a seed that was planted in us since birth. Few of us have connected with the Gardener to tap into the extent of that greatness. Most of us thrive on surface of that greatness. It's ok to get scared and even doubt a little bit about our abilities and how far we can excel. The Master has endowed each and every one of us with many different gifts. It is up to us to trust that He will mature those gifts and provide the perfect opportunities for us to use them.

There is no secret ingredient to being you. We make decisions day-in and day-out. It's how well we decide and what we do in times of pressure in our lives, where the opportunities come up for us to 1) Trust God and 2) Do our part by running this race called life. Being you means not being someone else. We are not called to be like each other but like Him who made us. Since we are from Him, there is nothing that can stop us from getting where we want to be...but us.

I'm choosing not to get in own way and to believe in God and in me at all times. It'll be a struggle at times because I am human, I get upset and frustrated (this morning was a testament of that, ah well). At the end of the day, I stay open for the seed to germinate and take roots in order for the plant of greatness to grow and multiply in my life. Because I understand what I decide to do with my now will absolutely affect my tomorrow.

No secret ingredient...basics are God, you and faith.

Standing still

It's a regular day---well, was a regular day. Nothing special. Except that I spent the night at my friend's place. No kids. No late-night clean-up. Not the usual youtube or facebook checks. I saw a couple of old friends and ex co-workers. I need some new hobbies. I should just go walking...at the park near my place. Or...just stand still. *sigh*

standing still

walking barefoot on a dry land
she barely feels the heat
on the soles of her feet

sticky blood dried on the sheet
he's gone---leaving behind
memories stolen from an innocent
stashed in a broken bosom

valleys of tears go on
for what seems like forever
then stop
at a red light
one screaming 'enough'

standing still
the tears have dried up
so has her heart
on crossroads of big dreams
big losses, big hurts
a period where

guitars cease to play
piano keys stuck on one note
an eclipse frozen
for half a second

it's the waiting
the changing

Chocolat and verde

"My sentiments exactly. I felt lost. Unexplainable.
I didn't want to know. Didn't want to believe it. I had to face reality at some point. Wake up and shake the grogginess out of my eyes. I wanted some coffee but the doctor recommended that I lay it off until I could think clearly again. Whenever that's supposed to happen." He moved about the creaking chair, leaned forward and asked me, "Do you think I wanted this? I mean, tell me the truth, do you honestly believe I meant to hurt you?" I stared back at him, both of us fully aware at what he was asking. I licked my lips. The air was hot outside and I could feel the fabric of my clothes sticking to my body. How could he ask me this? He knew the answer. "Sam?" I sighed. What did he want to hear? My eyes slowly reached his. With a half smile, I whispered, "Truth? Since when did that mean anything to you?...". I sat up and brushed my faded jeans. I had to go or else I'd suffocate. "Sam, all I asked was a simple question." "Things aren't so simple now, Jared, are they? You were almost killed in an accident while you were with some other woman and then you're asking me if I think you can move on past this. I mean, seriously?". I brushed past him. I was tired of trying to understand why it all happened like this in the first place. No one was seriously injured in the crash. No one but me. And I wasn't even there. Come to think of it, my heart died that day. "Goodbye, Jared." Little did he know I meant it. For good.

Masked secret

Off to a better start this week. Heard back from Miami (arrogant people). Good news so far...hmm. I'm finally getting over my "I-hate-nuts" phase. I used to LOVE peanuts when I was little...I guess I ate it too much, lol. But I've drank coffee since I was like, 6? I think. I was very young. And not just your typical watered coffee, but strong, Haitian black coffee, almost every morning. I always had it with sugar...then my mom started worrying about my health and made me add milk. And I still love it today too. I still do...like a familiarity so well versed in my body; without it I'm numb. Oh well, I turned out to be short (thanks to the genes I inherited and coffee).

Random:
still water, i wonder
if the moon answer when i ask
if the sun can come out to play

paper planes nearly miss my ear
as she runs with the kite string in her hand
turns around to look at me, crooked smile

my baby sleeps on my belly, vacated house
visited by the rented owner to find
a present soon to come wrapped in tissues

i sigh, having lived a carefree day
breathe in the last conscious thought
my mind runs off to the moon, to play

with the sun.
(raw in the making)

Bound to happen

Curveballs. They can be good or bad. But I got hit by a bad one real hard earlier this week. Almost knocked me out. Almost. I surprised myself by my reaction: laughter. Who in the world laughs when he/she hears that the one person he/she thought they had something going on is going out with someone else? (Apparently, I do). I'm complicated; I know. But for once (in a very long time), I was about to step out and do something completely riske, fun, and bold for someone who was important to me. I thought we were on the same level...apparently not? New girlfriend? Really? No warning? No? Nothing? (yea, nothing). Convenient timing too. Life and its curveballs. I never saw it coming. Never. (Really, I mean, it's like getting hit by a pink lion in a forest in Alaska). But you know what, despite the obvious absurdity of the situation? It was now or never. Whatever happened had to happen. I must release him too so I can move on. This had to happen exactly this way. My heart wants to believe it's not over. But it is. At least for now. I'm off to the process of prying off anything that remotely reminds of him. (I'm still smiling, no tears this time). In the midst of all of this, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 has my situation on lockdown. But verse 8 perfectly says what I'm feeling now "...[I'm] perplexed but not in despair..." It was bound to happen. Exactly this way. I'm hurt. But I'll live. And learn. And love again. It's bound to happen. (*smile).

I'm Yours...NOT.

Hilton Head was wonderful (sorry for the lack of a more descriptive word). I didn't get to write as much as I wanted to but I did find time to admire the tranquility and beauty of the nights, beach and area. The resort my friend and I stayed at (I was invited to join by her parents) was beautiful. The pools were clean and warm, the people were nice and very helpful, but everything was expensive. I guess I can say I lived the rich life for 3 days, lol. Overall though, it was so beautiful. I was swimming so late at the beach, I saw the full moon's reflection on the waves...the view from my room was amazing...but the food in South Carolina was...weird. The water tasted like dirt and everything I was familiar with (food, that is) tasted different...and that's not good. I guess it's a good thing that after this trip, I was able to write 3 new poems, one published, the other two stashed in my secrecy box. I was listening to Jason Mraz's song "I'm Yours" and thought, "Who can I say that to?". Smiling and chuckling to myself, I thought "Everyone and no one." It truly is a satisfying life to be happy with oneself and others. At the same, I am no one's. (Secretly, desiring to be someone's you may think. I'm saying no. Not true. No, siree). Ok, no one's but God's. Better? No? Ok...hmmm...I guess you'll have to accept this as it is. So yea, I'm yours. Really, I am.

Failure to launch

Okay, I get it. It takes a little while to get the job I want. Yes, countless interviews (if not too much) with companies that I'm not really looking forward to working with. Now, I'm at the point of pseudo-desperation. Any flow of income is better than no income. A paycheck at the end of the month is much welcomed (especially now). Mind you, I'm not going to sell my soul, my right hand (or leg for that matter), or my degree (expensive in receiving it) for any job. I just need a salary-based employment. Not asking for much. I'll work. For money (and food, a car, vacation--wait, getting off topic here). Point is, are the companies hiring only sales companies? And why do I have to freakin' get certified for something I've done for over 4 years (science lab experience)? I mean, c'mon! (Ok, enough with the venting, I know). Good news, I might have a chance to surprise a friend this weekend (very exciting!!!) and even relax at the same time. So looking forward to it. My app for med school has been processed. Things are picking up (slowly, but picking up nonetheless). Better news, next time, I promise. Right it just seems like I'm rambling. Ok, random (before I leave), the other night I dreamt that I was in England. Visiting and touring London. I saw the Big Ben and this beautiful cathedral...my mom and aunt were there...weird. Never been but I dreamt of it. Maybe I'm going there soon...hmmmm. Until next time, compadres! Hasta luego (dang it, wrong language!). I mean, g'day all. Until the next tea party. :-).

Do I love Him?

I've been on a dating hiatus since...well, let's just say a looonnng while. At first, it was partly because I really didn't meet anyone I was interested in. Then as time progressed, it became a journey of rediscovering who I am in God. I didnt intend to stay single for long...now I see that God had other plans in mind. For one, I'm glad that I am taking life one step at time and spending more time with God. The closer I get to God, the more things in my life I have to let go...things I needed to let go for a while. But in the midst of all this, I met this guy who is both anti- and pro- my type of guy. We're different in the same ways we're similar. He's unique in a way that's appealing to me and how well we connected was just different and welcoming. I was tired of meeting guys who had the same things to say. My friend had this unique way of seeing things and saying things...I was well taken. Now, we're so close, I can feel myself pulling back. Why? First it was fear of what could happen (good or bad) for our friendship. Then (now) it's realizing that the "next step" won't be taken because of my love and commitment to God. See, my friend isn't a Christian...not to my knowledge that is. And sadly, he's one of the very few guys I've actually thought about being in a relationship with. Is it possible now? Yes, it is. If I choose to ignore what I said I wouldn't do in the beginning. Is this what God wants? I don't think so. And that's what hurts. I love my friend. But I love God more. I can only be a friend, that's all I can give for now. That's all I'm willing to give. I would rather him find Christ and never be with me than to be with me and never find Christ. Why should I be in the way? I never knew love for God could potentiate such painful but necessary decisions. So...do I love Him? I believe so...

Wet palm trees

It's Friday. (Everyone say yayayay!!!). Usually this time I'd be sleeping or out and about. Hmmm, that's all over now. I miss it but not too much. I must move on with life. (I'm moving all right...to not so much). The craziness level has dropped drastically and my mind is starting to get used to it. Not a good sign. Must return to active life. Must do something. Anything. Ok, maybe not anything but something productive. Fun. Wet. Relaxing. (Sounds like I need to go back to the beach). I need to stop with this internal dialogue. (But I like it, keeps me thinking when I need to be sleeping). Oh crap! It's already 3 am?! I really need to get back to normal civilization mode. This college, no sleep or little sleep cycle-pattern-thingy must stop. (Ok, really, just stop with the "must" business, goodness). Alright, so hopefully by now, you can sort of tell how my future blogs will be...or maybe not. Who knows. Depends if you're sane or crazy. Until then, keep your eyes glued to the screen. I'll be back. (Well, not now, go get some sleep or something to eat, or whatever). Me and my schizo friend are leaving. :-) Hasta luego! Te veo despues! (I know, the title had nothing to do with this post. Meant to be like that, duh!). ;-)