I don't care anymore

The last few weeks have been shitty to say the least. I don't know when it began really. I don't know if it was in July when things start to go sour with the one guy in MS I never met up with or after the one year anniversary of mom's passing. Either way, it's been downhill in terms of things "looking up" and I truly feel like this year split. The first half of the year, I had hope things were looking up and yes, manifesting things actually could occur. Now, in December, I don't care anymore..

July and August were meh. September was a wash. I met someone after things between MS guy and I fell apart, like 2 weeks ish later. I was sort of getting over MS guy and then matched with the teacher. He was kind of a surprise but it never felt right. Something was missing. We both were dealing with our own shit but we both craved having someone in our lives so we tried to make it work until it didn't work. Communication issues rose again and had to end it. With both of those guys, I could pinpoint exactly when I knew it was over.

October came along and it was a very emotionally draining. It started out that way too. Very heavy. The entire month was heavy. It felt the same way as my mom had recently died. But Oreste died that month. The dating thing with the teacher ended that month. After we had spent an entire weekend together. I sort of spiraled after than. And then I found out the last day of the month that my landlord needed the space I was living in and I had 30 days to move out (and find a new place). 

Moving in the midst of the holidays, while on call, last minute, was a beast in itself. Thankfully, my realtor and I found a place half way through the month in the same area. More space, single home, etc but pricier. Either way, I was and remain grateful to have found a place and have the budget to be able to afford it. Day I had to move, movers didn't show up (had to cancel because by 4:30pm they were no where to be found and my power was turned off) and I had to get new ones. Missed a whole day of work for nothing. By that point, I had given up. I was at my wit's end. The week before (Thanksgiving week), I was in the ICU, and had worked and operated most days than not and was EXHAUSTED. So the move not going at least well was like "fuck me".

Yesterday, I had a divination session with a trusted spiritual leader because I wanted to start working on shadow work so I can start living life as my authentic self (wanted to do that since October so the session was booked several weeks in advance). All of what she said resonated with me. Some of it pissed me off. Like what my mom was telling her to tell me. "Just because I'm gone, doesn't mean you stop living your life." Like no shit, Sherlock. The one thing that *absolutely* threw over the edge was her telling me to start dating again. *insert rage emoji here* Like I didn't try. *eye roll* Here I am doing my best to build a life around the most traumatic thing that's happened to me to date and my DEAD MOTHER is asking me TO DATE. MEN. LITERALLY THE MOST INEPT FUCKING BEINGS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET.

Can you tell how upset I am right now?

If you can see this, Mother, my well-being is more important than being with someone right now. Being whole is more important. Working through the traumatic shit is more important. My happiness isn't tied to someone or something. It's working through the broken pieces. It's inside of me. It's learning to be happy with me. EVEN IF right now, I am not choosing that. Right now, I am choosing anger. So fuck off with "please date". Dating is fucking exhausting, the dating pool is trash, and I AM NOT TRYING ANYMORE.

So. I give up. I do not care any more. Fuck this life. Fuck hope. Fuck everything. Fuck this shit. See you in 2023.

If I make it. And if I don't, *shrugs*.

Grief is a mind f*ck

Maybe I’m being impatient. Or maybe it’s just how grief goes. This past week I took some time off to visit friends in New Mexico. It was nice, very laid back, and good to see and catch up with friends from college and residency. A lot changed—most for the better. In the time I was able to let mind rest, it wandered to what I’ve lost this past year, and at the forefront was my mom.

At the airport, I could sense the sadness creeping in and while on the plane, the tears started to flow. I got upset all over again…this time with more pointed questions. But the questions came from a space of pain. A lot of grief for me is sitting with the uncomfortable pain. The pain knowing that the person you're missing will never come back. My questions were "Why her? Why then? Why so sudden? Why the ONE PERSON WHO GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ME GOD?" The last question stems from being loved in a way I will never experience again. My mom loved me. Her love was safe, kind, gentle, forgiving and generous. It was a great mother's love. For someone like me who struggles with loving and being loved, my mother's love was my haven. And now, it feels like it's gone. 

Emotions and thoughts are so fleeting and at times deceiving. The first week of October has been an emotional rollercoaster of heaviness....missing mom, remembering the loss of my uncle, remembering the last time I saw Mme Poupoutte (mom's bestie--died of panc cancer earlier this year), losing Oreste (very close family friend, father like figure to me), and my aunt (my fave one on my Dad's side died of panc cancer this month too). Like A LOT. Why is it all heavier this year? I have no idea. But it. And working through the grief is a mindfuck and it's just hard some days. 

So. God. Universe. Ancestors. Please help me. I feel like I am drowning. This week was a lot. I do not want to be strong, resilient, courageous--none of that shit. Where is my haven? The safe space? The still waters? The green pastures? The respite?

I need to use that sage and cleanse myself too...but I want to do it properly.

May stillness, softness, rest, and encouragement find me soon.

I passed my oral boards

A year ago this time, I was in bad shape. Mom had died. I still needed to pass my oral boards to become a board-certified surgeon to keep my job. It was a blur honestly, August 2021. Then Hurricane Ida hit Louisiana and I was on Team A (stay at work team) and what a crazy and miserable time it was. I was responsible for the ICU and also took general surgery call...all the while managing the very recent loss of my mother.

I had to call the Board to re-schedule my oral boards because there was no way I would be ready 2 months after my mom died...

Well. Time went by. I grieved (still am grieving), worked out, continued to see my new therapist and little by little I felt ok enough to pick up studying again. The battle between grieving and staying mentally fit enough to study was ongoing. I had practice sessions with my senior partner weekly and reviewed every day. I stopped drinking and minimize my social activities so I could focus. And then one day it just clicked. My senior partner stopped halfway through with my practice session and said "You're ready". And honestly, that time around I was ready to take the exam. And I did. It went by quickly and I did my best.

I had a reading done on my birthday...just to make sure mom crossed over ok. One of the things the spiritual woman told me was that in April, things would start looking up. I didn’t take it to mean that I’d pass my boards. Honesty, I forgot about it until I actually passed my boards. And I found out April 1st. 

So yes. Things did start looking up in April. I’m still undecided about work and dating has its ups and downs. I’m still learning, still progressing, still believing so my dreams can manifest in my life.

And they are. I passed my boards!

Choosing me

 I ended things with the guy. He became inconsistent and "busy". I gave him a chance to correct after pointing it out but it went right back to the poor communication and inconsistency. As nice as he seemed and was, it also didn't mean that he was allowed to take up space in my life if he wasn't coming correct. I'm sad. Not devastated but sad. He was nice. I really wanted it to work out. I got no indication that he was bad for me. But maybe this was to teach me to fight for someone better and to not settle. He wasn't great; he was...good. It was a cordial ending. I'm grateful for grace that was in the space of saying goodbye.

Tomorrow makes a year since Mom died and I'm ok. Just okay.

*sigh*

At the end of the day, I chose me. Because I know what I deserved and he wasn't it.

I'm also loving me where I'm at. Not where I want to be. I'm loving me now.

Grief

Grief just is…sometimes.

I’m doing all the things: journaling, therapy-ing, working, spending time with folks who don’t sap my energy, clearing my space…

Then I have days like today where I just burst into tears thinking about you, Mom. And I ask God why. What did I do wrong to deserve you leaving us—me—so soon.

8/8/2022 makes it a year since we last spoke. Since I last heard your voice while you were alive. It feels like forever and yesterday all at once.

And while this past weekend I had a beautiful reading (thank you, thank you again by the way), nothing changes the fact that you’re gone. My happiest days are less because you’re not here. My worst days are even harder because you’re not here.

I thought I found a glimpse of happiness...but I spoke too soon 😅. It’s ok. Life is about learning on the journey…and it’s not necessarily about the destination. I have surrendered and finding a partner is no longer my responsibility. I have told God and the Universe what kind of partner I want—THEY know. They also know who I need to be with. So I will wait and continue to live my life to the fullest.

Some days are good, other days not so much. But therapy is teaching me that grief has ups and downs. Things will never be the same…the heaviness just lightens up some.

Saturday 8/13/22 will make it a year. And what a crazy year it’s been.

Love you always, Mom.

Exposure

Exposed.

I am exposed

It's a twisting and turning of the heart

It's the wondering "Is this happening again? He appeared so promising"

Familiar fears creep up around me, inside me

As I am exposed yet again

To an uncomfortable position

Do I stay? Do I ask more questions?

Does any of the answers make sense?

This reminds of X and it's making me go down the rabbit hole

But

Do I have to go down the rabbit hole?

Part of growing and healing

Is realizing that I don't have to do that anymore

I can let go

Of the feelings

Of the thoughts

Of him.

Even if it hurts.

Maybe that's why Spirit is silent

I am not sure of how to navigate this space

What I do know is that I refuse to sacrifice my sanity for someone

Who doesn't want to be with me enough

Enough.

Thoughts

Life without my mom is like this:

My best days will never compare to my best days when she was alive

My worst days are more challenging to endure because again...she 's not around

And though I want to believe she's watching over me (she is)

It's still hard

It still breaks my heart

Some days the pain is unbearable

Other days it really does seem to lessen

Grief is like that

It's the company no one wants to keep

It's a constant reminder that my heart will never be quite full

It's a loss that will forever plague my dreams

A reality that some days is too hard to face

At times, I don't know what the f&ck I'm supposed to do

So I let the tears fall down

and put my thoughts on paper

and just let my heart, my soul and spirit grieve

I met someone

So. I met someone I really like. Like I've told my best friends, close friends, family and some co-workers about.

It's interesting to me how it all happened. I had just finished letting the universe know what kind of partner I desired, and I released the energy bond I shared with JSR. Then I swiped right on a profile without really paying attention to his bio (he had none) and where he lived (he's not local). We matched and pretty early on we started chatting (he reached out first).

And we've been talking since. It's been a little over a month and...he's made me laugh. A lot.

One part of me wants to be happy, excited and hopeful. But another part of me is...apprehensive? And that's me being human. I had a few bad relationships, one that broke my spirit. I had invested so much of me that when things fell apart, I fell apart. I certainly don't want that to happen. This is evident when I tell myself to not hang on every word he says, even when it's words that I want to hear (which is everything he says these days). Then I ran across something describing Peter Pan Syndrome. To be brief, because of an earlier emotional trauma (like abandonment from an emotional absent parent), people tend to sabotage themselves in relationships. For example, I tend to anticipate the end of a relationship before it even starts. To "protect" myself from more pain. Or I keep people I'm not really interested in around. The most poignant point (well two points, really) that touched my heart: "And while there are no guarantees when it comes to romantic relationships, you have to trust yourself enough to know that no matter what happens, you'll be okay." 

I knew with JSR and with M that it would never work out. I absolutely knew with M. Like from day 1. Spirit did not let me rest with him. JW? Nope. I've actually been encouraged to reach out and be bolder with him. As much as I don't read into signs, I did get a Chinese horoscope recently...around the time I thought about just slowly fading away saying something to the effect of "you have an admirer and they are shy so you will have to make the first move". I'm being gently guided to go slowly this time. JW is funny, smart and witty but takes things slowly? I'm not quite sure when the feelings really started for him but in between going to Turks and Caicos (AMAZING TRIP BTW) and it being the time of the month, they (the feelings) were high. I even told the man that I didn't think he was real (because my feelings were moving fast). He facetimed me to prove that he was indeed real. The only time we've FT'd. Anyway, after the high wore off, it was confirmed by a close friend of mine (CH) that I'd marry yon moun blan. She was visiting and just said it. Then after several days of not talking, I was planning on silently fading. Then the Chinese horoscope message came along. I reached out and we were talking. He mentioned he wanted my kisses. And that he thought life with me would be fun anywhere...and that he would try to always keep me happy and laughing. And it was nothing like JSR did. This feels different.

He's admitted that he really likes me and is very much into me. So win? We are also planning our first in person date/meet up. I'm nervous but it's really more so a fear? A part of me wants it work and another part of me is like "he'll change his mind once he knows the real me". I want to believe that the Universe covered all the bases. God loves me, so yea? Oh the journey of healing. I'm giving myself grace.

I'll trust the process and take it slowly. I'm not really interested in anyone else and have ended all my other situationships. So here I am. Moving forward as I am learning how to live a life not marred by my past traumatic relationships. I have to tell myself frequently "I love you." and also "Get out of your head" and "Breathe".

Regardless of what happens, good or bad, I will be okay.

Nothing matters

 I just saw one of the most thought-provoking movies for the year...it was an excellent movie in my opinion and fit in right into what I've been thinking about/feeling for the last few weeks. I'm not going to spoil anything but a few thoughts:

1. We all fight differently. Some of use words, others use guns, others use kindness, and others use feelings. At the end of the day, we should be kind to each other--our struggles will be different (or the same, it doesn't matter) and we'll fight differently. The point is we all have a fight we are fighting.

2. Love, above all, makes things make sense and fixes/exposes the broken pieces. I'm not talking about infatuation or lust--I'm talking about agape love. It pushes us to be vulnerable, to be honest, to do no harm, to be kind, to see others as we see ourselves--and so much more.

Lately, I've been thinking about what exactly am I looking for in a partner. My mom used to say that she was praying I find a good person to spend the rest of my life with. I would laugh--what does she know about that?--I'd think--she married my dad. Now, I'm starting to realize that my mom probably knew me better than I knew myself. And even though she didn't marry the partner she deserved, maybe I'd get the chance to do it right. My mom always wanted me to believe that the right (romantic) love was possible but I dismissed it every time she brought it up.

Now I sort of...understand it? What/who I wanted when I was 20 is not who I necessarily want at 35. I want my life partner to provide balance and I provide that for him. I prefer kindness, compassion, generosity, understanding, support, vulnerability, emotional intelligence, intellect, humor, wit, sexual compatibility, physical attractiveness, respect for the Universe/God, and financial stability. Someone who will love me as I am, someone who will love me--all of me. Love shouldn't be a struggle...not the love we choose. I want to make life with him, learn from him, be his partner/supporter, and love him as he wants to be loved. I do not want to settle. Life is too short for that. I also don't care what race he is...God knows that. My heart knows it too...because in my dreams, my partners/boyfriends/fiances/husbands...were never black (unclear why because I've only seriously dated black men). And that's ok. It is what it is. The right person won't have me questioning my sanity, won't gaslight me, and won't use my vulnerability against me--struggle love won't be part of our lives. And someone I'll reciprocate it with too. It shouldn't be part of anyone's life.

My mom did not want me to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm finally admitting that I don't want that for myself either. When done right, love is beautiful. The greatest love I've known in my life, besides what God/the Universe/Spirit provides, is my mom's love. With it gone (in physical realm at least), sometimes I feel like nothing matters...then everything matters all at once. Ha.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. We are small, insignificant beings who have a very brief moment on this planet. Earth has been around longer than any human on it now. We are grass; one moment here and another--gone. But in that brief time we have on this planet, we are given the opportunity to create a life well-lived. And I think a component of that is loving as much as we can: those we choose to love and those we are born to love.

I am open and ready, God, to have my world rocked. I've fallen in love with my first love and the hard love--the hard love was HARD. It shut me down for a very long time. But I'm healing and in a better place than I was before. I guess the third love is left--the one that lasts. I'm sorta terrified because it's the one that just...happens? It fits. Makes sense. No fight and doesn't look like what we'd imagine it to look like BUT it works! Can you imagine me in that kind of situation? The one who wants to plan and know every step of said plan? Ha. HA. 

I am learning to let go. I am learning to be vulnerable. I am learning that there is strength in kindness, in love, in being vulnerable. I am learning to heal. I've had my first love--he still wouldn't be the right guy to marry today. I need a partner who supports the work that I do. I've had my hard love--broke my heart in a way I didn't know was possible and almost made me not want to ever love again. 

But here I am.

In a universe where nothing appears to matter, there's another parallel universe where it all matters. And I live and love in both. I choose to love. I choose love.

I am ready, Universe.

On your birthday

Lately my dreams of you have been filled with anger. For instance, I dreamt that you were reprimanding me for borrowing your jewelry and not returning them. I lashed out and asked you how could you focus on that when you were so focused on husband that didn't love you and your abandoning me. I also recognized in the dream that who I was talking to...wasn't you. Because you were never like that in real life. You were not selfish. And we shared shoes and jewelry. So I don't know what the dream meant. You also didn't have a response...then Gege showed up...and things faded away.

There are days I want to scream, Mom. You should've been here. You left too soon. How am I supposed to keep going like this? You're a memory now? Tomorrow would've been your 69th birthday. And it's breaking my heart in a way that I can't put into words. This is hell.

I know where you are, you are loved, safe, protected, free and thriving. I wish you all the love the universe has to offer...I miss you so much. The tears don't stop and the brokenness in my heart will never go away...not until I see you again.

I do wish you a happy birthday--