I met someone

So. I met someone I really like. Like I've told my best friends, close friends, family and some co-workers about.

It's interesting to me how it all happened. I had just finished letting the universe know what kind of partner I desired, and I released the energy bond I shared with JSR. Then I swiped right on a profile without really paying attention to his bio (he had none) and where he lived (he's not local). We matched and pretty early on we started chatting (he reached out first).

And we've been talking since. It's been a little over a month and...he's made me laugh. A lot.

One part of me wants to be happy, excited and hopeful. But another part of me is...apprehensive? And that's me being human. I had a few bad relationships, one that broke my spirit. I had invested so much of me that when things fell apart, I fell apart. I certainly don't want that to happen. This is evident when I tell myself to not hang on every word he says, even when it's words that I want to hear (which is everything he says these days). Then I ran across something describing Peter Pan Syndrome. To be brief, because of an earlier emotional trauma (like abandonment from an emotional absent parent), people tend to sabotage themselves in relationships. For example, I tend to anticipate the end of a relationship before it even starts. To "protect" myself from more pain. Or I keep people I'm not really interested in around. The most poignant point (well two points, really) that touched my heart: "And while there are no guarantees when it comes to romantic relationships, you have to trust yourself enough to know that no matter what happens, you'll be okay." 

I knew with JSR and with M that it would never work out. I absolutely knew with M. Like from day 1. Spirit did not let me rest with him. JW? Nope. I've actually been encouraged to reach out and be bolder with him. As much as I don't read into signs, I did get a Chinese horoscope recently...around the time I thought about just slowly fading away saying something to the effect of "you have an admirer and they are shy so you will have to make the first move". I'm being gently guided to go slowly this time. JW is funny, smart and witty but takes things slowly? I'm not quite sure when the feelings really started for him but in between going to Turks and Caicos (AMAZING TRIP BTW) and it being the time of the month, they (the feelings) were high. I even told the man that I didn't think he was real (because my feelings were moving fast). He facetimed me to prove that he was indeed real. The only time we've FT'd. Anyway, after the high wore off, it was confirmed by a close friend of mine (CH) that I'd marry yon moun blan. She was visiting and just said it. Then after several days of not talking, I was planning on silently fading. Then the Chinese horoscope message came along. I reached out and we were talking. He mentioned he wanted my kisses. And that he thought life with me would be fun anywhere...and that he would try to always keep me happy and laughing. And it was nothing like JSR did. This feels different.

He's admitted that he really likes me and is very much into me. So win? We are also planning our first in person date/meet up. I'm nervous but it's really more so a fear? A part of me wants it work and another part of me is like "he'll change his mind once he knows the real me". I want to believe that the Universe covered all the bases. God loves me, so yea? Oh the journey of healing. I'm giving myself grace.

I'll trust the process and take it slowly. I'm not really interested in anyone else and have ended all my other situationships. So here I am. Moving forward as I am learning how to live a life not marred by my past traumatic relationships. I have to tell myself frequently "I love you." and also "Get out of your head" and "Breathe".

Regardless of what happens, good or bad, I will be okay.