Nothing matters

 I just saw one of the most thought-provoking movies for the year...it was an excellent movie in my opinion and fit in right into what I've been thinking about/feeling for the last few weeks. I'm not going to spoil anything but a few thoughts:

1. We all fight differently. Some of use words, others use guns, others use kindness, and others use feelings. At the end of the day, we should be kind to each other--our struggles will be different (or the same, it doesn't matter) and we'll fight differently. The point is we all have a fight we are fighting.

2. Love, above all, makes things make sense and fixes/exposes the broken pieces. I'm not talking about infatuation or lust--I'm talking about agape love. It pushes us to be vulnerable, to be honest, to do no harm, to be kind, to see others as we see ourselves--and so much more.

Lately, I've been thinking about what exactly am I looking for in a partner. My mom used to say that she was praying I find a good person to spend the rest of my life with. I would laugh--what does she know about that?--I'd think--she married my dad. Now, I'm starting to realize that my mom probably knew me better than I knew myself. And even though she didn't marry the partner she deserved, maybe I'd get the chance to do it right. My mom always wanted me to believe that the right (romantic) love was possible but I dismissed it every time she brought it up.

Now I sort of...understand it? What/who I wanted when I was 20 is not who I necessarily want at 35. I want my life partner to provide balance and I provide that for him. I prefer kindness, compassion, generosity, understanding, support, vulnerability, emotional intelligence, intellect, humor, wit, sexual compatibility, physical attractiveness, respect for the Universe/God, and financial stability. Someone who will love me as I am, someone who will love me--all of me. Love shouldn't be a struggle...not the love we choose. I want to make life with him, learn from him, be his partner/supporter, and love him as he wants to be loved. I do not want to settle. Life is too short for that. I also don't care what race he is...God knows that. My heart knows it too...because in my dreams, my partners/boyfriends/fiances/husbands...were never black (unclear why because I've only seriously dated black men). And that's ok. It is what it is. The right person won't have me questioning my sanity, won't gaslight me, and won't use my vulnerability against me--struggle love won't be part of our lives. And someone I'll reciprocate it with too. It shouldn't be part of anyone's life.

My mom did not want me to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm finally admitting that I don't want that for myself either. When done right, love is beautiful. The greatest love I've known in my life, besides what God/the Universe/Spirit provides, is my mom's love. With it gone (in physical realm at least), sometimes I feel like nothing matters...then everything matters all at once. Ha.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. We are small, insignificant beings who have a very brief moment on this planet. Earth has been around longer than any human on it now. We are grass; one moment here and another--gone. But in that brief time we have on this planet, we are given the opportunity to create a life well-lived. And I think a component of that is loving as much as we can: those we choose to love and those we are born to love.

I am open and ready, God, to have my world rocked. I've fallen in love with my first love and the hard love--the hard love was HARD. It shut me down for a very long time. But I'm healing and in a better place than I was before. I guess the third love is left--the one that lasts. I'm sorta terrified because it's the one that just...happens? It fits. Makes sense. No fight and doesn't look like what we'd imagine it to look like BUT it works! Can you imagine me in that kind of situation? The one who wants to plan and know every step of said plan? Ha. HA. 

I am learning to let go. I am learning to be vulnerable. I am learning that there is strength in kindness, in love, in being vulnerable. I am learning to heal. I've had my first love--he still wouldn't be the right guy to marry today. I need a partner who supports the work that I do. I've had my hard love--broke my heart in a way I didn't know was possible and almost made me not want to ever love again. 

But here I am.

In a universe where nothing appears to matter, there's another parallel universe where it all matters. And I live and love in both. I choose to love. I choose love.

I am ready, Universe.