Grief is a mind f*ck

Maybe I’m being impatient. Or maybe it’s just how grief goes. This past week I took some time off to visit friends in New Mexico. It was nice, very laid back, and good to see and catch up with friends from college and residency. A lot changed—most for the better. In the time I was able to let mind rest, it wandered to what I’ve lost this past year, and at the forefront was my mom.

At the airport, I could sense the sadness creeping in and while on the plane, the tears started to flow. I got upset all over again…this time with more pointed questions. But the questions came from a space of pain. A lot of grief for me is sitting with the uncomfortable pain. The pain knowing that the person you're missing will never come back. My questions were "Why her? Why then? Why so sudden? Why the ONE PERSON WHO GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ME GOD?" The last question stems from being loved in a way I will never experience again. My mom loved me. Her love was safe, kind, gentle, forgiving and generous. It was a great mother's love. For someone like me who struggles with loving and being loved, my mother's love was my haven. And now, it feels like it's gone. 

Emotions and thoughts are so fleeting and at times deceiving. The first week of October has been an emotional rollercoaster of heaviness....missing mom, remembering the loss of my uncle, remembering the last time I saw Mme Poupoutte (mom's bestie--died of panc cancer earlier this year), losing Oreste (very close family friend, father like figure to me), and my aunt (my fave one on my Dad's side died of panc cancer this month too). Like A LOT. Why is it all heavier this year? I have no idea. But it. And working through the grief is a mindfuck and it's just hard some days. 

So. God. Universe. Ancestors. Please help me. I feel like I am drowning. This week was a lot. I do not want to be strong, resilient, courageous--none of that shit. Where is my haven? The safe space? The still waters? The green pastures? The respite?

I need to use that sage and cleanse myself too...but I want to do it properly.

May stillness, softness, rest, and encouragement find me soon.