I don't care anymore

The last few weeks have been shitty to say the least. I don't know when it began really. I don't know if it was in July when things start to go sour with the one guy in MS I never met up with or after the one year anniversary of mom's passing. Either way, it's been downhill in terms of things "looking up" and I truly feel like this year split. The first half of the year, I had hope things were looking up and yes, manifesting things actually could occur. Now, in December, I don't care anymore..

July and August were meh. September was a wash. I met someone after things between MS guy and I fell apart, like 2 weeks ish later. I was sort of getting over MS guy and then matched with the teacher. He was kind of a surprise but it never felt right. Something was missing. We both were dealing with our own shit but we both craved having someone in our lives so we tried to make it work until it didn't work. Communication issues rose again and had to end it. With both of those guys, I could pinpoint exactly when I knew it was over.

October came along and it was a very emotionally draining. It started out that way too. Very heavy. The entire month was heavy. It felt the same way as my mom had recently died. But Oreste died that month. The dating thing with the teacher ended that month. After we had spent an entire weekend together. I sort of spiraled after than. And then I found out the last day of the month that my landlord needed the space I was living in and I had 30 days to move out (and find a new place). 

Moving in the midst of the holidays, while on call, last minute, was a beast in itself. Thankfully, my realtor and I found a place half way through the month in the same area. More space, single home, etc but pricier. Either way, I was and remain grateful to have found a place and have the budget to be able to afford it. Day I had to move, movers didn't show up (had to cancel because by 4:30pm they were no where to be found and my power was turned off) and I had to get new ones. Missed a whole day of work for nothing. By that point, I had given up. I was at my wit's end. The week before (Thanksgiving week), I was in the ICU, and had worked and operated most days than not and was EXHAUSTED. So the move not going at least well was like "fuck me".

Yesterday, I had a divination session with a trusted spiritual leader because I wanted to start working on shadow work so I can start living life as my authentic self (wanted to do that since October so the session was booked several weeks in advance). All of what she said resonated with me. Some of it pissed me off. Like what my mom was telling her to tell me. "Just because I'm gone, doesn't mean you stop living your life." Like no shit, Sherlock. The one thing that *absolutely* threw over the edge was her telling me to start dating again. *insert rage emoji here* Like I didn't try. *eye roll* Here I am doing my best to build a life around the most traumatic thing that's happened to me to date and my DEAD MOTHER is asking me TO DATE. MEN. LITERALLY THE MOST INEPT FUCKING BEINGS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET.

Can you tell how upset I am right now?

If you can see this, Mother, my well-being is more important than being with someone right now. Being whole is more important. Working through the traumatic shit is more important. My happiness isn't tied to someone or something. It's working through the broken pieces. It's inside of me. It's learning to be happy with me. EVEN IF right now, I am not choosing that. Right now, I am choosing anger. So fuck off with "please date". Dating is fucking exhausting, the dating pool is trash, and I AM NOT TRYING ANYMORE.

So. I give up. I do not care any more. Fuck this life. Fuck hope. Fuck everything. Fuck this shit. See you in 2023.

If I make it. And if I don't, *shrugs*.