This thing called reflection

Time. Time flies by sooo quickly. Only yesterday that the year started and now there's merely 6 measly days left in the year. And oh, it's Christmas. So yes, Merry Christmas! The day was pretty much uneventful. Shared presents and then stayed home with my family, watch mom cook and I made a cake. Later on we had my aunt and cousin and her husband come over for dinner...it was less than typical Christmas but my only wish every year is that I have a good time with family...and that's exactly what happened this year.

But onto the juicy parts of this year...so much has happened! From the relationships that ended and those that began, to taking my boards and starting my clinical rotations...it seems like it's been 2 years really. Growing wiser, finding peace within myself and more importantly, with God. Remembering the most difficult moments of this year have made me appreciate them as the most instructive. I started this year in a complex place in regards to whom my heart belonged to. It certainly didn't feel like it belonged to me. My mind was consumed with relationships that should've never began. But sooner than later, they all disintegrated, one by one...and by the end of the year, they all ended. And I can honestly say there's no residual feelings of hatred, bitterness, anger, longing, regret, or wonder even. I didn't know how much potential I had within myself until everything was forced to end. The truth of one relationship was revealed early on, the other--distance killed it and the last one, well, I learned the hard way that it was a farce. I was stubborn--am stubborn--and some things, unfortunately will be learned in the most difficult of ways. That's the Haitian in me I guess.

In the midst of this year, looking back and realizing that all this change that has occurred...really has happened inside me. I've sat myself more times this year out of necessity---out of a cry within myself--that enough is enough. I got tired of settling for less than, not standing up for my needs and being strung along. I've learned how utterly selfish and deceptive the human heart can be...and I've also learned how time and forgiveness can transform even the most deepest hurts into memories of the past.

2011 have been a tough year; I've sacrificed much to learn the lessons and through the fire, I've been refined. I'm finally content. Content with myself, where I am in life, what I'm doing and most importantly, who God has called me to be. There are still some kinks to work out (there will always be) but I'm finally free. Free from being stuck in a mess that I don't how it started and what will happen when it ends. Free from all of the bulls**t. And yes, I'm looking forward to better things...things I know I deserve.

Because I'm great woman. Still in the making, but great nonetheless. Not at all said in conceit or arrogance. See? This is what this thing called reflection does: brings me closer to seeing myself as God sees me. And that's the very thing that kept me going this year.

Finally seeing a glimpse of me in His eyes.

Halfway pothole

It's Thanksgiving and this year I decided to stay in DC.  No point in buying two tickets to go anywhere, especially now that I'm cabbing myself to work these days.   I can't afford more than that.  So back to the point here: this morning, I woke up but didn't quite want to get out of bed.  I was stressing over my feeling of inadequacy on my surgery rotation right now.  Although it all started well, I was content, learning, not distraught, really doing my best to find my groove.  Well, this past week, I started out with a new team and it was rough. I felt inadequate, deficient, lacking and not improving.  Monday was busy; two traumas, clinic and then afternoon rounds.  It was ridiculous.  And, I told God, yet again, that I don't think I can do this anymore.

So, I'm here to decipher exactly when and where this occurred.  Because the main issue that I've seen when this has happened before is when I've lost perspective.  Last time this happened was when I was studying for the boards.  That was a miserable moment in my life.  Now again, that perspective seems to have disappeared.  Or gone missing.  Whichever one it is, it's still not in my view.  This academic year has been tough...six months of in-patient medicine wears you down...especially if the end is 6 wks of general surgery...on the trauma team.  But it's a choice I made.  I chose to be on the trauma team.  I chose to do the alternative curriculum.  Or at least I'd like to think I did.  My mind can understand why I need to be pushed harder and harder, but my spirit--my spirit is faltering behind.  I remember back on my peds rotation, one of my prayer angels told me this: "Just wanted to share Joshua 1:9 with you ('Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go.') Everything is going to be fine. Don't lose sight of Him or of the goal. There are no mistakes; you are where you are supposed to be."  Did I lose sight of the goal?  Of Him?  Or both?  I've never prayed so much during a rotation before...and since I've been on surgery, I've prayed every day--most days, without fail.

And now, what do I call this, where I am now, what do I call it? I cannot do this on my own.  I haven't been doing it on my own either.  God has been the one holding me up; I am too self-critical to be able to deal with work, school and myself all at the same time.  I feel like I've been hitting a ceiling, that won't budge.   Is this the halfway pothole?  Who's going to push my car out?  Am I supposed to get out now?  Or is there more beating up that needs to be done?  So many questions...no real answer.  I really don't like not liking going to work.  And this is where I am now.  I'm more confused as to what I need to do with my life.  More lost.  Still trying to find my way.  I'm slow and not as efficient as I'm trying my best to be.  I guess I really do need to take it one day at a time and develop a system that works for me.  Need to stop pushing myself beyond what I can handle, not focus on others and compare but focus on where I was to where I am now.  I am my own standard.

To end, I will review what I've learned in these past 3 weeks and do my best to start working on a system that will work for me.  First and foremost, I will keep God first. No matter how long the day is, or how hard it's been, my goal is to keep Him first. In everything.

"Success means having the courage, the determination and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be." -George Sheehan

^"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky..." (Philippians 2:13-15)

When trying fails

My dad's in the US for the next month and a half and since then, has tried to call me almost every day to see how I'm doing. Now, after living under his roof for 15 years, and being under his care for longer, anyone would appreciate that kind of attention. Anyone but me. See, I know my father. And over the years, I have learned to appreciate the memories I've had of him growing up. Prior to me learning of the truth of everything, prior to losing my childhood innocence. It's taken a while...years even to learn to accept him for him. And by doing so, I've been able to see him differently, see him like he's a child...who's never fully learned his way in life.

There are times he upsets me because of the things he says to me, my mom and my brothers. He doesn't understand things and doesn't make an effort to. His words are harsh and his "care" is attached to something else. Ulterior motives always exist. And trust me, I've tried. I've tried trying to believe that maybe, for once, my dad would care beyond the basics. To this day, every time I've spoken to him, I get asked the same questions: "When are you going to be done? When will you start getting paid? What are you doing now? I'll probably die before you're done..." Yes and never mind the questions that really matter: "How are you getting to your clinical sites? Are you sleeping/eating? What's the most challenging thing for you now? Do you need anything? How's your living situation now? Is it better?" ect. Nothing is asked that truly matters. Nothing. Never once has my dad said "I'm proud of you, I support you, I care for you, if you need anything let me know". What he does do though is brag to his friends...and says how proud he is of us/me. Who cares. Not that it matters anymore these days. He's disappointed me enough for me to not expect much.

And I know, I'm guilty also of not caring. It's the human side of me. I've gotten over my dad. I've gotten over the fact that he's not going to be one of those awesome dads that you see in the t.v. commercials who's heart is so big for his kids it brings tears to your eyes. I've gotten over the fact that he probably won't walk me down the aisle. If that's part of the plan for my life. I want my mom to walk me down the aisle. She's invested in so much of who I am today...she deserves to. Despite what tradition may say, or what people expect, I want my mom. I'll never forget what my dad told me when I was 15 and told him I was dating a guy in high school (my first boyfriend): "Are you ready to get pregnant? I'm not ready to have a pregnant teenage daughter." That resonated so much to how much my dad thought of me at that time (even now?). He never knew me. And unfortunately, he'll never know how much of great person I became. I've made my mistakes in life but I turned out fine. And looking back, there are so many places I could've made the wrong turn. But thank God, my journey so far has been incredible...without him.

I've stopped asking why and I've pushed myself to just accept. Because with a wife like my mom is, my dad never appreciated her. How would he know then how to appreciate his own children? And it's only by God's power in my life that I've been able to get this far. I spent so much time hating my dad that I wasted energy and the sense of who I was on someone who clearly was fine with the choices he made in his life.

But I have to say...there have been only few times where I've seen him hurt...like when my aunt (his sister) passed away from pancreatic cancer...and his mom expired...and finally, when his favorite daughter, Christy, passed away from leukemia. Then, I've never seen my father so heartbroken. I guess he can care...to some extent.

My hope isn't to paint my dad in a horrible light...he can be good. He's gotten better. But when he's painfully clueless about the things he says, it's horrible. Like I'll never forget every time he tells me that my younger brother, Chrissan, cannot chose the field I'm in because "he doesn't have the brains for it". Who tells that to his/her kid? And then he wonders why my brother won't pick up when he calls...I know what my brother is going through is difficult. He had no plan and hence couldn't make up his mind in college. That's why it took him so long. I know my brother has the capacity to do anything he wants. He was the smartest kid in his class in high school. He still is smart...but somehow, somewhere that got lost in translation between him and my dad.

I don't know if my dad is trying. And if he is, he's failing. Failing miserably.

Tangled...but not really

Every year around the holidays, you will find most of my family members gathered in one place. And that's pretty hard to do since my parents still live in Haiti; my brothers and I live in different states and the rest of the family is spread out on the east coast. Somehow, we still manage to make it work.

Well when we're all gathered around homemade Haitian hot chocolate or pumpkin soup, when we find time to laugh, there's always that one question that ALWAYS comes up: "So any luck yet?" Bah. Every single time. I even got the boyfriend talk earlier this year by my mom. The one person who was telling me prior to med school it's a good thing to be single now so I can stay "focused". And exactly how does having a boyfriend make you "unfocused". I'm not sure. Some ppl can get distracted but from what I've seen having a significant other in a healthy relationship keeps the person of interest pretty happy and well put together in life. Anyways, back to the matter at hand, so this year something's going to have to change.

Right now, this is the most content I've been this year, thus far. I started out this year in a messy emotional state. My spiritual, emotional and mental selves weren't one. At all. I was a tangled mess of a self. Slowly but surely, He eradicated one by one everyone I needed to drop. It was a painful process. I was angry, hurt, bitter, lost, and ashamed. Most importantly, ashamed. Ashamed of how much I've let myself go...made other people "idols" without even realizing it. And what a sad state that was. I couldn't see myself clearly. I couldn't see Him clearly. And as with stages of growth in my life, everything happened all at once---not hearing from R anymore, moving, issues w/my old roommates, prepping for Step 1, getting through studying for Step 1, dealing with the emotional upset I've suppressed for 3 months, and plunging into 3rd year. And now seeing where I am now...it was a daily removal by God of all--of everything--that was clouding my judgement. My fall was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I still deal with it. But less of my dealing...there's no way I would've been able to wake up each day without God giving me a reason to...yes it was that bad.

Anyways, months later, I'm in a so much better place. I can see myself. Like truly see myself. Not pretending or coming up with excuses...why should I? He didn't make an excuse when He created me; why shouldn't I just give myself a chance to be me? So this year started out with me tangled in a whole lot of mess but not so much now. There's still a lot of cleaning that needs to be done. And it is getting done, one thing at a time. That's how God works. One issue at a time. It's so nice to wake up these days, knowing that He loves me. A fact that has never changed; yet I didn't allow myself to rest and delve into that reality every moment of my life.

So this year, when my family asks me, as always, "any luck?", I'll let them know this: "Yes, plenty; so much that I'm letting God chose him for me. As of right now, I'm very very content with my life, with or without boyfriend/fiance/husband."

Seeing and not feeling

The extent of time that has passed since I've written a post is truly appalling. I love writing. I love sharing whatever thoughts that come to my heart. Yet nowadays, I barely write anything. All too soon, since I don't really have a full medical career yet. Already losing my passions beside medicine.

The difficulty of the life I've been blessed to chose is startling. Medicine requires components of every aspect in being human. And it requires a specific group of people to be able to combine those components to create the excellent physician...

But that's not why I'm writing today. I'm writing because my heart needs it. It's been months and so much and not much at all has happened. For one, third year began in July and I've been on a marathon each month with each different rotation. There have been great times and sad times but at the end of the day, I wouldn't choose anything else.

I have to admit that lately, I've been not sleeping as well as I use to. I'm waking up early in the morning and dreaming about things I have to do. It's as if my mind doesn't rest anymore. And I'm slowly losing sight of where I want to be because where I am right now is not where I want to be. My relationship with God is suffering; I've become very complacent. It's a shame. I'm ashamed.

But where to begin? How do make time for the most important person in my life? How is this ever to lead to where it needs to go? And why ever so often, do tears well up in my eyes when I think of the past? Is my future not so bright anymore?

I don't want to look back; and if I do, I don't want to see things for what happened. I want to see them for what they taught me for my wisdom of the future. Lessons learned. But so far, all I've been doing is seeing and not feeling.

Quotes

My original intent in writing this post was to maturely try to understand what I've been going through emotionally, mentally and spiritually these past few months. However, I ran through someone's blog who led me to a site with quotes for broken hearts. I've listed a few of my favorites. (I have to say that I'm going through a re-broken heart phase):

“God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.”
- Author Unknown

“It hurts to breathe because every breath I take proves I can't live without you.”
- Author Unknown

“God is closest to those with broken hearts.”
- Jewish Saying (I guess He's been close to me my whole life then...)

“Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.”
- Author Unknown

"Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”
- Will Smith

“If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.”
- Unknown Author

"Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.
- Unsure about Author

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
- Psalms 34:18

Now what I've been going through these past few months cannot be truly captured with one quote; rather, it's the medley of these quotes that grasp the essence...and my hope in Christ to help me heal and see myself clearly through the broken glass that constantly plagues me...

Pausing

I'm in the midst of intense Step 1 studying and also in the final stages. I've done the online course and now I'm basically doing 4 sessions 1-hr block (46 questions/block) everyday. On Sunday, I do 3 blocks. I will admit that these past few weeks have been hard. emotionally. mentally. spiritually. And realized that my focus while studying was skewed--has been skewed. I remember one day, when it was a particularly difficult day (my session results were not the highest), that I told God, "His wanting this for me--my call in life--isn't enough anymore". How dare I? When did this suddenly become something about me? Where was the grateful attitude from when I was first accepted at GW? Or as I went through the highs and lows of 1st year?

somewhere, in the midst of learning, of attempting to deal with the outside stresses on my own, i lost sight of God in my life. or at least where He is when I feel as if the world is ending every day. there's the whole situation that happened in march, and dealing with the upset associated with that (I tend to have conversations with myself of how I would react should we ever encounter in life again--it always end with me being awesome and him regretting his actions, lol) and then the whole finances. You know, it's so funny how trust comes easily when things are great...like waking up and finding breakfast ready, or getting a promotion due to grace, or having things work because well that's how it just was planned to happen versus going through struggles every now and then...

i remember complaining (unfortunately!) to God about how something always has to happen when I'm studying for an important exam. I was like, "God, why me? Why now? Why this?" Truth is...I don't know what other people are dealing with and God never promised life would be without its struggles. And when is a convenient time for struggles? There isn't. They come when God allows them to. And obviously it's because He wants me to learn something...about Him...about our relationship. One thing I just have to realize is that my relationship with God is growing...there's no stopping, no pausing, no endpoint. And as 1 Cor 10:13 says, He's not going to let me be pushed beyond my limit. Ever. Because He is love and is faithful.

so i'm starting this week with a new perspective, starting today. This isn't about me. It includes me, my life, my future but that's not where it stops. I'm a player in the game, running the race...the goal is not so that I can make it but that my making it brings others along for His glory. There's a bigger picture in all of this and my life is only a piece of it. A crucial piece. And if I give up now, there are many others that'll be affected whom I don't even know.

So to end...yes, God, your wanting this for me, placing it as a call on my life, is enough. Forgive me for making this about me and not allowing your Spirit to show me the big picture..

That verse I never got...

"There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear. So then, love has not been made perfect in anyone who is afraid, because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:18

For the longest I've struggled with the meaning of what this verse was pointing to...and for the longest I thought it spoke of how we should love, are to love. And it wasn't until I was reading an old acquaintance's blog on how she too struggles with the same fears I have in my life that I realize the truth in this verse.

Love is God...there is no fear in God. His perfect love drives out all fear. His perfect love. Not ours. His love is perfect. It died on the cross for us. It renews us everyday and cleanses us to perfection. So we can look like him. Perfect love. What a miracle. What a blessing...

And it's in His love we are to find our true reflections, not what we see or how others see us but how He sees us: whole, complete, fearless. That is who I am in Christ. And it's having faith that in His love we have freedom do we truly live free. Because the price for freedom in Christ was paid on the cross...

Praise be to Yeshua...

What did He say?

I'm moving out from where I currently live right now...in the midst of studying for finals. Had a friend, A, come over to help me do some packing and such. We ended up talking about what's been going on in our lives and did we talk! We're going through similar struggles and it's crazy how God allows similar things to happen in our lives. Different situations, same lesson.

marking the date

Lesson learned in 2011:

He's not worth it.

I am.

I still am.

His lost.

Lesson learned: never give something valuable to someone who's not ready to appreciate it.

April 17, 2011: Goodbye, R. He's going to need divine intervention to get me to change my mind. All of this is said of course with no resentment. I'm angry at...the situation...I was merely following what I wanted. And now, I'm learning my lesson. This day marks growth...

I don't deserve inconsistency.

Lame excuses.

No follow-up.

I never asked for a relationship.

Just the truth.

And I guess I got it, the non-verbal way.

So much to do, I don't have time for this. And even if I do, I'm not making time for it anymore...

Signed,
A growing, wiser me