Every year around the holidays, you will find most of my family members gathered in one place. And that's pretty hard to do since my parents still live in Haiti; my brothers and I live in different states and the rest of the family is spread out on the east coast. Somehow, we still manage to make it work.
Well when we're all gathered around homemade Haitian hot chocolate or pumpkin soup, when we find time to laugh, there's always that one question that ALWAYS comes up: "So any luck yet?" Bah. Every single time. I even got the boyfriend talk earlier this year by my mom. The one person who was telling me prior to med school it's a good thing to be single now so I can stay "focused". And exactly how does having a boyfriend make you "unfocused". I'm not sure. Some ppl can get distracted but from what I've seen having a significant other in a healthy relationship keeps the person of interest pretty happy and well put together in life. Anyways, back to the matter at hand, so this year something's going to have to change.
Right now, this is the most content I've been this year, thus far. I started out this year in a messy emotional state. My spiritual, emotional and mental selves weren't one. At all. I was a tangled mess of a self. Slowly but surely, He eradicated one by one everyone I needed to drop. It was a painful process. I was angry, hurt, bitter, lost, and ashamed. Most importantly, ashamed. Ashamed of how much I've let myself go...made other people "idols" without even realizing it. And what a sad state that was. I couldn't see myself clearly. I couldn't see Him clearly. And as with stages of growth in my life, everything happened all at once---not hearing from R anymore, moving, issues w/my old roommates, prepping for Step 1, getting through studying for Step 1, dealing with the emotional upset I've suppressed for 3 months, and plunging into 3rd year. And now seeing where I am now...it was a daily removal by God of all--of everything--that was clouding my judgement. My fall was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I still deal with it. But less of my dealing...there's no way I would've been able to wake up each day without God giving me a reason to...yes it was that bad.
Anyways, months later, I'm in a so much better place. I can see myself. Like truly see myself. Not pretending or coming up with excuses...why should I? He didn't make an excuse when He created me; why shouldn't I just give myself a chance to be me? So this year started out with me tangled in a whole lot of mess but not so much now. There's still a lot of cleaning that needs to be done. And it is getting done, one thing at a time. That's how God works. One issue at a time. It's so nice to wake up these days, knowing that He loves me. A fact that has never changed; yet I didn't allow myself to rest and delve into that reality every moment of my life.
So this year, when my family asks me, as always, "any luck?", I'll let them know this: "Yes, plenty; so much that I'm letting God chose him for me. As of right now, I'm very very content with my life, with or without boyfriend/fiance/husband."
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