Having Jesus at the center of my life

"Jesus, you're the center of my joy

All that's good and perfect comes from you

You're the heart of my contentment, hope for all I do

Jesus, you're the center of my joy"

 

 

 

This year, 2013, marks my thirteenth year being a follower of Christ. At 13, I was desperate for truth, for acceptance, for unconditional love, for someone who would never forsake me, and someone who wouldn't be dispappointed with who I am. At that point in time, it seemed like a matter of life and death. I came from a home where my parents had a severely dysfunctional marriage and that impacted me in ways I didn't realize until I was in my late teens. I was desperate because I needed to believe that there is something better than what I experienced then. Well, things changed when I took the plunge.

 

I remember well the day I was baptized. I wish could say it was a glorious morning. It was a beautiful day. But I woke up that day with a very heavy heart. I knew the decision I was about to make would mean that if God came back the instant I was baptized, those closest to my heart wouldn't be in heaven with me. It was very first time that I can recall trusting God, trusting that He knew best, and trusting that He would take care of everything. I went into the ocean burdened, ashamed, guilty, worthy of death, condemned but I chose God. I chose God because He heals, He loves, He cares---cared enough to say that I am worthy dying for...as well as the rest of humanity.

 

Since that day, God began a radical change in my life; every area was affected. He started with me--my heart. I was stubborn---am stubborn, many times---for the change to take place. He peeled layer, after layer, after layer, after layer. He pursued me relentlessly because He wants me in eternity with Him. God is still pursuing me, most importantly my heart. He got my attention really well this year. Reduced me to very little and even then, He was the one in that valley, carrying, sustaining me. God's love blows my mind. It's nothing I've ever encountered, nothing I'll ever experience with anyone, outside of Him being a part of it. He knows my heart, He's patient with me---I KNOW all too well how STUBBORN and annoying and extremely DIFFICULT I can be. Yet He stays. He chooses me every, single day. How can I say no to Him? I can't.

 

I have no regrets from when I first decided to follow Christ. There have been many challenges, many periods where I cry from the depths of my soul---all for His glory. Having Jesus at the center of my life means that I have to deny myself daily. That includes many things. Let me share one last story.

 

There's a growing transparency that comes with serving and living for God. You are humbled by Him showing you the true contents of your heart. That without Him, no true good exist. This allows you to share your weaknesses with others--to give hope that indeed no Christian is ever perfect. I am Haitian by heritage and American by birth. Growing up in Haiti, especially in Catholic families, drinking alcohol was never a big deal. I was allowed to taste alcohol at a young age, mostly at family gatherings. Kremas (close to alcoholic eggnog) was served at christenings, communion celebrations and other religious holidays. When I was 11, I binged drank for the first time. My dad had a bottle gin which in rebellion I had 5 shots of. My parents had told me earlier that I couldn't go to a Christmas party that the neighbors were having (dumb, right?). I blacked out. I remembered only snippets of that night. Since then, binge drinking became a regular occurrence, even after I became a Christian. It lasted through college and got worse in med school. Sadly, I enjoyed being drunk, even when the morning after hang over was terrible. Well fast-forward to now. Lately, when friends would invite me for dinner or to go out, the goal of the night was to get drunk. One instance, after I was pretty tipsy, I even smoked. I woke up the next day feeling terrible and just disgusted with myself. How can I say I "love" God yet outrightly disobey Him? How am I being a witness? The last straw occurred when I finished a whole bottle of wine alone, in one sitting (less than 2 hours). Then I topped it off with 3 shots of whiskey and a whiskey sour. I woke up the next day (still very not sober) and sick. At this point, I'm co-leading a small group in church and actively pursuing a healthy lifestyle. I was tired of being a hypocrite and chose God. I made a commitment to not pick up alcohol in 2013. I have an accountability partner and am now saying no to offers to happy hour---anywhere I might be tempted to drink. I quit drinking because I don't like who I am when I drink (beligerent, careless, a possible smoker and uninhibited to do heaven knows what). I don't like being drunk. I hate hangovers.

 

This is what a relationship with Christ does. In time, you let go of everything that gets in the way of your growth with Him. He supplies the strength, sustenance, peace, and courage to get it all done. I want nothing in between Christ and I: not relationships, friendships, career, finances, or desires. Thirteen years ago, I said yes to Him. Twenty-six years ago, He created my human form. He gave me life and purpose. Jesus is my truth, the center of my life. He is not an after thought, or someone I hang out with, he's not my friend with some benefits and we are not dating. He is my forever-commitment. I live my life for Him, seeking His kingdom first. Being an example of who He is to the world, so that others desperate for the Truth will find Him.

 

Having Jesus at the center of my life has been a phenomenal experience. It's one I will give up everything for. He is the Truth, the only Truth there will ever be.

 

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,

all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"-Isaiah 26:3

 

Peace, blessings and love in Christ Jesus.



Tangled...but not really

Every year around the holidays, you will find most of my family members gathered in one place. And that's pretty hard to do since my parents still live in Haiti; my brothers and I live in different states and the rest of the family is spread out on the east coast. Somehow, we still manage to make it work.

Well when we're all gathered around homemade Haitian hot chocolate or pumpkin soup, when we find time to laugh, there's always that one question that ALWAYS comes up: "So any luck yet?" Bah. Every single time. I even got the boyfriend talk earlier this year by my mom. The one person who was telling me prior to med school it's a good thing to be single now so I can stay "focused". And exactly how does having a boyfriend make you "unfocused". I'm not sure. Some ppl can get distracted but from what I've seen having a significant other in a healthy relationship keeps the person of interest pretty happy and well put together in life. Anyways, back to the matter at hand, so this year something's going to have to change.

Right now, this is the most content I've been this year, thus far. I started out this year in a messy emotional state. My spiritual, emotional and mental selves weren't one. At all. I was a tangled mess of a self. Slowly but surely, He eradicated one by one everyone I needed to drop. It was a painful process. I was angry, hurt, bitter, lost, and ashamed. Most importantly, ashamed. Ashamed of how much I've let myself go...made other people "idols" without even realizing it. And what a sad state that was. I couldn't see myself clearly. I couldn't see Him clearly. And as with stages of growth in my life, everything happened all at once---not hearing from R anymore, moving, issues w/my old roommates, prepping for Step 1, getting through studying for Step 1, dealing with the emotional upset I've suppressed for 3 months, and plunging into 3rd year. And now seeing where I am now...it was a daily removal by God of all--of everything--that was clouding my judgement. My fall was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I still deal with it. But less of my dealing...there's no way I would've been able to wake up each day without God giving me a reason to...yes it was that bad.

Anyways, months later, I'm in a so much better place. I can see myself. Like truly see myself. Not pretending or coming up with excuses...why should I? He didn't make an excuse when He created me; why shouldn't I just give myself a chance to be me? So this year started out with me tangled in a whole lot of mess but not so much now. There's still a lot of cleaning that needs to be done. And it is getting done, one thing at a time. That's how God works. One issue at a time. It's so nice to wake up these days, knowing that He loves me. A fact that has never changed; yet I didn't allow myself to rest and delve into that reality every moment of my life.

So this year, when my family asks me, as always, "any luck?", I'll let them know this: "Yes, plenty; so much that I'm letting God chose him for me. As of right now, I'm very very content with my life, with or without boyfriend/fiance/husband."