Fuck

I turned 37 about 2 days ago. I did something different this year. I had a birthday party! It was actually a combo housewarming party and birthday party. A good, loving and wonderful friend (secret crush) organized it all. He asked...I didn't offer. And it was fabulous!

It was a great time. I had a good number of people show up. Even one of my closest friends from college flew down to the party and stayed the weekend. It was a beautiful time, even when I got wasted and kissed my crush. Several times, mind you. I only remember one 😑. What a time to be alive.

Then the insecurities crept in about said crush with one drunken convo: "Oh yea, he was def talking to her recently. I don't know about that guy. Just shady." I promptly left--no reason really, he's not my boyfriend. He's a friend. A good one. An honest one. A caring one. A protective one. Before the crush was real for me, he was a good person who did his job well and was always kind to me. He'd joke about us having kids one day and getting married. But I never took him seriously because he's a big flirt (I'm finding out more these days). Then something clicked when he said another one of his crazy antics and I saw that he might have been serious. The summer went by with this man flirting hard and me falling hard. Mainly after a mutual friend was like "oh yea, he's been interested since Hurricane Ida". That hurricane happened after mom died so your girl was NOT AT ALL available. 

In the past with potential partners, it would get to a point where my nervous system freaked out and the sense of security I needed was never met. Mind you we are *not* dating. But with him, I feel safe, protected, cared for, respected, appreciated, and prioritized. One thing he said that made me feel like it was my mom's level of caring (*in the moment*): "I worry about you because somebody has to". 😔 Most importantly, my intuition is saying he's good. Stay. Be patient.

However, some days the past trauma/insecurities pop back up and I spiral down. The grief, the insecurities, the trauma, the past relationships that were bad--it all comes rushing back as if I haven't been in therapy for the last year and half.

Fuck.

So I cry the tears, I lose some sense, I miss mom over and that gut-wrenching pain comes back. 

Life be lifin' some days.

And in those days, I just want to say FUCK.

I trust my intuition.

I trust the Universe.

I trust my spirit guides.

I trust my angels.

I trust my heart.

I trust me.

All is well. All is fucking well.