Seeing and not feeling

The extent of time that has passed since I've written a post is truly appalling. I love writing. I love sharing whatever thoughts that come to my heart. Yet nowadays, I barely write anything. All too soon, since I don't really have a full medical career yet. Already losing my passions beside medicine.

The difficulty of the life I've been blessed to chose is startling. Medicine requires components of every aspect in being human. And it requires a specific group of people to be able to combine those components to create the excellent physician...

But that's not why I'm writing today. I'm writing because my heart needs it. It's been months and so much and not much at all has happened. For one, third year began in July and I've been on a marathon each month with each different rotation. There have been great times and sad times but at the end of the day, I wouldn't choose anything else.

I have to admit that lately, I've been not sleeping as well as I use to. I'm waking up early in the morning and dreaming about things I have to do. It's as if my mind doesn't rest anymore. And I'm slowly losing sight of where I want to be because where I am right now is not where I want to be. My relationship with God is suffering; I've become very complacent. It's a shame. I'm ashamed.

But where to begin? How do make time for the most important person in my life? How is this ever to lead to where it needs to go? And why ever so often, do tears well up in my eyes when I think of the past? Is my future not so bright anymore?

I don't want to look back; and if I do, I don't want to see things for what happened. I want to see them for what they taught me for my wisdom of the future. Lessons learned. But so far, all I've been doing is seeing and not feeling.