Halfway pothole

It's Thanksgiving and this year I decided to stay in DC.  No point in buying two tickets to go anywhere, especially now that I'm cabbing myself to work these days.   I can't afford more than that.  So back to the point here: this morning, I woke up but didn't quite want to get out of bed.  I was stressing over my feeling of inadequacy on my surgery rotation right now.  Although it all started well, I was content, learning, not distraught, really doing my best to find my groove.  Well, this past week, I started out with a new team and it was rough. I felt inadequate, deficient, lacking and not improving.  Monday was busy; two traumas, clinic and then afternoon rounds.  It was ridiculous.  And, I told God, yet again, that I don't think I can do this anymore.

So, I'm here to decipher exactly when and where this occurred.  Because the main issue that I've seen when this has happened before is when I've lost perspective.  Last time this happened was when I was studying for the boards.  That was a miserable moment in my life.  Now again, that perspective seems to have disappeared.  Or gone missing.  Whichever one it is, it's still not in my view.  This academic year has been tough...six months of in-patient medicine wears you down...especially if the end is 6 wks of general surgery...on the trauma team.  But it's a choice I made.  I chose to be on the trauma team.  I chose to do the alternative curriculum.  Or at least I'd like to think I did.  My mind can understand why I need to be pushed harder and harder, but my spirit--my spirit is faltering behind.  I remember back on my peds rotation, one of my prayer angels told me this: "Just wanted to share Joshua 1:9 with you ('Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go.') Everything is going to be fine. Don't lose sight of Him or of the goal. There are no mistakes; you are where you are supposed to be."  Did I lose sight of the goal?  Of Him?  Or both?  I've never prayed so much during a rotation before...and since I've been on surgery, I've prayed every day--most days, without fail.

And now, what do I call this, where I am now, what do I call it? I cannot do this on my own.  I haven't been doing it on my own either.  God has been the one holding me up; I am too self-critical to be able to deal with work, school and myself all at the same time.  I feel like I've been hitting a ceiling, that won't budge.   Is this the halfway pothole?  Who's going to push my car out?  Am I supposed to get out now?  Or is there more beating up that needs to be done?  So many questions...no real answer.  I really don't like not liking going to work.  And this is where I am now.  I'm more confused as to what I need to do with my life.  More lost.  Still trying to find my way.  I'm slow and not as efficient as I'm trying my best to be.  I guess I really do need to take it one day at a time and develop a system that works for me.  Need to stop pushing myself beyond what I can handle, not focus on others and compare but focus on where I was to where I am now.  I am my own standard.

To end, I will review what I've learned in these past 3 weeks and do my best to start working on a system that will work for me.  First and foremost, I will keep God first. No matter how long the day is, or how hard it's been, my goal is to keep Him first. In everything.

"Success means having the courage, the determination and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be." -George Sheehan

^"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky..." (Philippians 2:13-15)