My dad's in the US for the next month and a half and since then, has tried to call me almost every day to see how I'm doing. Now, after living under his roof for 15 years, and being under his care for longer, anyone would appreciate that kind of attention. Anyone but me. See, I know my father. And over the years, I have learned to appreciate the memories I've had of him growing up. Prior to me learning of the truth of everything, prior to losing my childhood innocence. It's taken a while...years even to learn to accept him for him. And by doing so, I've been able to see him differently, see him like he's a child...who's never fully learned his way in life.
There are times he upsets me because of the things he says to me, my mom and my brothers. He doesn't understand things and doesn't make an effort to. His words are harsh and his "care" is attached to something else. Ulterior motives always exist. And trust me, I've tried. I've tried trying to believe that maybe, for once, my dad would care beyond the basics. To this day, every time I've spoken to him, I get asked the same questions: "When are you going to be done? When will you start getting paid? What are you doing now? I'll probably die before you're done..." Yes and never mind the questions that really matter: "How are you getting to your clinical sites? Are you sleeping/eating? What's the most challenging thing for you now? Do you need anything? How's your living situation now? Is it better?" ect. Nothing is asked that truly matters. Nothing. Never once has my dad said "I'm proud of you, I support you, I care for you, if you need anything let me know". What he does do though is brag to his friends...and says how proud he is of us/me. Who cares. Not that it matters anymore these days. He's disappointed me enough for me to not expect much.
And I know, I'm guilty also of not caring. It's the human side of me. I've gotten over my dad. I've gotten over the fact that he's not going to be one of those awesome dads that you see in the t.v. commercials who's heart is so big for his kids it brings tears to your eyes. I've gotten over the fact that he probably won't walk me down the aisle. If that's part of the plan for my life. I want my mom to walk me down the aisle. She's invested in so much of who I am today...she deserves to. Despite what tradition may say, or what people expect, I want my mom. I'll never forget what my dad told me when I was 15 and told him I was dating a guy in high school (my first boyfriend): "Are you ready to get pregnant? I'm not ready to have a pregnant teenage daughter." That resonated so much to how much my dad thought of me at that time (even now?). He never knew me. And unfortunately, he'll never know how much of great person I became. I've made my mistakes in life but I turned out fine. And looking back, there are so many places I could've made the wrong turn. But thank God, my journey so far has been incredible...without him.
I've stopped asking why and I've pushed myself to just accept. Because with a wife like my mom is, my dad never appreciated her. How would he know then how to appreciate his own children? And it's only by God's power in my life that I've been able to get this far. I spent so much time hating my dad that I wasted energy and the sense of who I was on someone who clearly was fine with the choices he made in his life.
But I have to say...there have been only few times where I've seen him hurt...like when my aunt (his sister) passed away from pancreatic cancer...and his mom expired...and finally, when his favorite daughter, Christy, passed away from leukemia. Then, I've never seen my father so heartbroken. I guess he can care...to some extent.
My hope isn't to paint my dad in a horrible light...he can be good. He's gotten better. But when he's painfully clueless about the things he says, it's horrible. Like I'll never forget every time he tells me that my younger brother, Chrissan, cannot chose the field I'm in because "he doesn't have the brains for it". Who tells that to his/her kid? And then he wonders why my brother won't pick up when he calls...I know what my brother is going through is difficult. He had no plan and hence couldn't make up his mind in college. That's why it took him so long. I know my brother has the capacity to do anything he wants. He was the smartest kid in his class in high school. He still is smart...but somehow, somewhere that got lost in translation between him and my dad.
I don't know if my dad is trying. And if he is, he's failing. Failing miserably.
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