Pausing

I'm in the midst of intense Step 1 studying and also in the final stages. I've done the online course and now I'm basically doing 4 sessions 1-hr block (46 questions/block) everyday. On Sunday, I do 3 blocks. I will admit that these past few weeks have been hard. emotionally. mentally. spiritually. And realized that my focus while studying was skewed--has been skewed. I remember one day, when it was a particularly difficult day (my session results were not the highest), that I told God, "His wanting this for me--my call in life--isn't enough anymore". How dare I? When did this suddenly become something about me? Where was the grateful attitude from when I was first accepted at GW? Or as I went through the highs and lows of 1st year?

somewhere, in the midst of learning, of attempting to deal with the outside stresses on my own, i lost sight of God in my life. or at least where He is when I feel as if the world is ending every day. there's the whole situation that happened in march, and dealing with the upset associated with that (I tend to have conversations with myself of how I would react should we ever encounter in life again--it always end with me being awesome and him regretting his actions, lol) and then the whole finances. You know, it's so funny how trust comes easily when things are great...like waking up and finding breakfast ready, or getting a promotion due to grace, or having things work because well that's how it just was planned to happen versus going through struggles every now and then...

i remember complaining (unfortunately!) to God about how something always has to happen when I'm studying for an important exam. I was like, "God, why me? Why now? Why this?" Truth is...I don't know what other people are dealing with and God never promised life would be without its struggles. And when is a convenient time for struggles? There isn't. They come when God allows them to. And obviously it's because He wants me to learn something...about Him...about our relationship. One thing I just have to realize is that my relationship with God is growing...there's no stopping, no pausing, no endpoint. And as 1 Cor 10:13 says, He's not going to let me be pushed beyond my limit. Ever. Because He is love and is faithful.

so i'm starting this week with a new perspective, starting today. This isn't about me. It includes me, my life, my future but that's not where it stops. I'm a player in the game, running the race...the goal is not so that I can make it but that my making it brings others along for His glory. There's a bigger picture in all of this and my life is only a piece of it. A crucial piece. And if I give up now, there are many others that'll be affected whom I don't even know.

So to end...yes, God, your wanting this for me, placing it as a call on my life, is enough. Forgive me for making this about me and not allowing your Spirit to show me the big picture..