I don't care anymore

The last few weeks have been shitty to say the least. I don't know when it began really. I don't know if it was in July when things start to go sour with the one guy in MS I never met up with or after the one year anniversary of mom's passing. Either way, it's been downhill in terms of things "looking up" and I truly feel like this year split. The first half of the year, I had hope things were looking up and yes, manifesting things actually could occur. Now, in December, I don't care anymore..

July and August were meh. September was a wash. I met someone after things between MS guy and I fell apart, like 2 weeks ish later. I was sort of getting over MS guy and then matched with the teacher. He was kind of a surprise but it never felt right. Something was missing. We both were dealing with our own shit but we both craved having someone in our lives so we tried to make it work until it didn't work. Communication issues rose again and had to end it. With both of those guys, I could pinpoint exactly when I knew it was over.

October came along and it was a very emotionally draining. It started out that way too. Very heavy. The entire month was heavy. It felt the same way as my mom had recently died. But Oreste died that month. The dating thing with the teacher ended that month. After we had spent an entire weekend together. I sort of spiraled after than. And then I found out the last day of the month that my landlord needed the space I was living in and I had 30 days to move out (and find a new place). 

Moving in the midst of the holidays, while on call, last minute, was a beast in itself. Thankfully, my realtor and I found a place half way through the month in the same area. More space, single home, etc but pricier. Either way, I was and remain grateful to have found a place and have the budget to be able to afford it. Day I had to move, movers didn't show up (had to cancel because by 4:30pm they were no where to be found and my power was turned off) and I had to get new ones. Missed a whole day of work for nothing. By that point, I had given up. I was at my wit's end. The week before (Thanksgiving week), I was in the ICU, and had worked and operated most days than not and was EXHAUSTED. So the move not going at least well was like "fuck me".

Yesterday, I had a divination session with a trusted spiritual leader because I wanted to start working on shadow work so I can start living life as my authentic self (wanted to do that since October so the session was booked several weeks in advance). All of what she said resonated with me. Some of it pissed me off. Like what my mom was telling her to tell me. "Just because I'm gone, doesn't mean you stop living your life." Like no shit, Sherlock. The one thing that *absolutely* threw over the edge was her telling me to start dating again. *insert rage emoji here* Like I didn't try. *eye roll* Here I am doing my best to build a life around the most traumatic thing that's happened to me to date and my DEAD MOTHER is asking me TO DATE. MEN. LITERALLY THE MOST INEPT FUCKING BEINGS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET.

Can you tell how upset I am right now?

If you can see this, Mother, my well-being is more important than being with someone right now. Being whole is more important. Working through the traumatic shit is more important. My happiness isn't tied to someone or something. It's working through the broken pieces. It's inside of me. It's learning to be happy with me. EVEN IF right now, I am not choosing that. Right now, I am choosing anger. So fuck off with "please date". Dating is fucking exhausting, the dating pool is trash, and I AM NOT TRYING ANYMORE.

So. I give up. I do not care any more. Fuck this life. Fuck hope. Fuck everything. Fuck this shit. See you in 2023.

If I make it. And if I don't, *shrugs*.

Grief is a mind f*ck

Maybe I’m being impatient. Or maybe it’s just how grief goes. This past week I took some time off to visit friends in New Mexico. It was nice, very laid back, and good to see and catch up with friends from college and residency. A lot changed—most for the better. In the time I was able to let mind rest, it wandered to what I’ve lost this past year, and at the forefront was my mom.

At the airport, I could sense the sadness creeping in and while on the plane, the tears started to flow. I got upset all over again…this time with more pointed questions. But the questions came from a space of pain. A lot of grief for me is sitting with the uncomfortable pain. The pain knowing that the person you're missing will never come back. My questions were "Why her? Why then? Why so sudden? Why the ONE PERSON WHO GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ME GOD?" The last question stems from being loved in a way I will never experience again. My mom loved me. Her love was safe, kind, gentle, forgiving and generous. It was a great mother's love. For someone like me who struggles with loving and being loved, my mother's love was my haven. And now, it feels like it's gone. 

Emotions and thoughts are so fleeting and at times deceiving. The first week of October has been an emotional rollercoaster of heaviness....missing mom, remembering the loss of my uncle, remembering the last time I saw Mme Poupoutte (mom's bestie--died of panc cancer earlier this year), losing Oreste (very close family friend, father like figure to me), and my aunt (my fave one on my Dad's side died of panc cancer this month too). Like A LOT. Why is it all heavier this year? I have no idea. But it. And working through the grief is a mindfuck and it's just hard some days. 

So. God. Universe. Ancestors. Please help me. I feel like I am drowning. This week was a lot. I do not want to be strong, resilient, courageous--none of that shit. Where is my haven? The safe space? The still waters? The green pastures? The respite?

I need to use that sage and cleanse myself too...but I want to do it properly.

May stillness, softness, rest, and encouragement find me soon.

I passed my oral boards

A year ago this time, I was in bad shape. Mom had died. I still needed to pass my oral boards to become a board-certified surgeon to keep my job. It was a blur honestly, August 2021. Then Hurricane Ida hit Louisiana and I was on Team A (stay at work team) and what a crazy and miserable time it was. I was responsible for the ICU and also took general surgery call...all the while managing the very recent loss of my mother.

I had to call the Board to re-schedule my oral boards because there was no way I would be ready 2 months after my mom died...

Well. Time went by. I grieved (still am grieving), worked out, continued to see my new therapist and little by little I felt ok enough to pick up studying again. The battle between grieving and staying mentally fit enough to study was ongoing. I had practice sessions with my senior partner weekly and reviewed every day. I stopped drinking and minimize my social activities so I could focus. And then one day it just clicked. My senior partner stopped halfway through with my practice session and said "You're ready". And honestly, that time around I was ready to take the exam. And I did. It went by quickly and I did my best.

I had a reading done on my birthday...just to make sure mom crossed over ok. One of the things the spiritual woman told me was that in April, things would start looking up. I didn’t take it to mean that I’d pass my boards. Honesty, I forgot about it until I actually passed my boards. And I found out April 1st. 

So yes. Things did start looking up in April. I’m still undecided about work and dating has its ups and downs. I’m still learning, still progressing, still believing so my dreams can manifest in my life.

And they are. I passed my boards!

Choosing me

 I ended things with the guy. He became inconsistent and "busy". I gave him a chance to correct after pointing it out but it went right back to the poor communication and inconsistency. As nice as he seemed and was, it also didn't mean that he was allowed to take up space in my life if he wasn't coming correct. I'm sad. Not devastated but sad. He was nice. I really wanted it to work out. I got no indication that he was bad for me. But maybe this was to teach me to fight for someone better and to not settle. He wasn't great; he was...good. It was a cordial ending. I'm grateful for grace that was in the space of saying goodbye.

Tomorrow makes a year since Mom died and I'm ok. Just okay.

*sigh*

At the end of the day, I chose me. Because I know what I deserved and he wasn't it.

I'm also loving me where I'm at. Not where I want to be. I'm loving me now.

Grief

Grief just is…sometimes.

I’m doing all the things: journaling, therapy-ing, working, spending time with folks who don’t sap my energy, clearing my space…

Then I have days like today where I just burst into tears thinking about you, Mom. And I ask God why. What did I do wrong to deserve you leaving us—me—so soon.

8/8/2022 makes it a year since we last spoke. Since I last heard your voice while you were alive. It feels like forever and yesterday all at once.

And while this past weekend I had a beautiful reading (thank you, thank you again by the way), nothing changes the fact that you’re gone. My happiest days are less because you’re not here. My worst days are even harder because you’re not here.

I thought I found a glimpse of happiness...but I spoke too soon 😅. It’s ok. Life is about learning on the journey…and it’s not necessarily about the destination. I have surrendered and finding a partner is no longer my responsibility. I have told God and the Universe what kind of partner I want—THEY know. They also know who I need to be with. So I will wait and continue to live my life to the fullest.

Some days are good, other days not so much. But therapy is teaching me that grief has ups and downs. Things will never be the same…the heaviness just lightens up some.

Saturday 8/13/22 will make it a year. And what a crazy year it’s been.

Love you always, Mom.

Exposure

Exposed.

I am exposed

It's a twisting and turning of the heart

It's the wondering "Is this happening again? He appeared so promising"

Familiar fears creep up around me, inside me

As I am exposed yet again

To an uncomfortable position

Do I stay? Do I ask more questions?

Does any of the answers make sense?

This reminds of X and it's making me go down the rabbit hole

But

Do I have to go down the rabbit hole?

Part of growing and healing

Is realizing that I don't have to do that anymore

I can let go

Of the feelings

Of the thoughts

Of him.

Even if it hurts.

Maybe that's why Spirit is silent

I am not sure of how to navigate this space

What I do know is that I refuse to sacrifice my sanity for someone

Who doesn't want to be with me enough

Enough.

Thoughts

Life without my mom is like this:

My best days will never compare to my best days when she was alive

My worst days are more challenging to endure because again...she 's not around

And though I want to believe she's watching over me (she is)

It's still hard

It still breaks my heart

Some days the pain is unbearable

Other days it really does seem to lessen

Grief is like that

It's the company no one wants to keep

It's a constant reminder that my heart will never be quite full

It's a loss that will forever plague my dreams

A reality that some days is too hard to face

At times, I don't know what the f&ck I'm supposed to do

So I let the tears fall down

and put my thoughts on paper

and just let my heart, my soul and spirit grieve