Tangled...but not really

Every year around the holidays, you will find most of my family members gathered in one place. And that's pretty hard to do since my parents still live in Haiti; my brothers and I live in different states and the rest of the family is spread out on the east coast. Somehow, we still manage to make it work.

Well when we're all gathered around homemade Haitian hot chocolate or pumpkin soup, when we find time to laugh, there's always that one question that ALWAYS comes up: "So any luck yet?" Bah. Every single time. I even got the boyfriend talk earlier this year by my mom. The one person who was telling me prior to med school it's a good thing to be single now so I can stay "focused". And exactly how does having a boyfriend make you "unfocused". I'm not sure. Some ppl can get distracted but from what I've seen having a significant other in a healthy relationship keeps the person of interest pretty happy and well put together in life. Anyways, back to the matter at hand, so this year something's going to have to change.

Right now, this is the most content I've been this year, thus far. I started out this year in a messy emotional state. My spiritual, emotional and mental selves weren't one. At all. I was a tangled mess of a self. Slowly but surely, He eradicated one by one everyone I needed to drop. It was a painful process. I was angry, hurt, bitter, lost, and ashamed. Most importantly, ashamed. Ashamed of how much I've let myself go...made other people "idols" without even realizing it. And what a sad state that was. I couldn't see myself clearly. I couldn't see Him clearly. And as with stages of growth in my life, everything happened all at once---not hearing from R anymore, moving, issues w/my old roommates, prepping for Step 1, getting through studying for Step 1, dealing with the emotional upset I've suppressed for 3 months, and plunging into 3rd year. And now seeing where I am now...it was a daily removal by God of all--of everything--that was clouding my judgement. My fall was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I still deal with it. But less of my dealing...there's no way I would've been able to wake up each day without God giving me a reason to...yes it was that bad.

Anyways, months later, I'm in a so much better place. I can see myself. Like truly see myself. Not pretending or coming up with excuses...why should I? He didn't make an excuse when He created me; why shouldn't I just give myself a chance to be me? So this year started out with me tangled in a whole lot of mess but not so much now. There's still a lot of cleaning that needs to be done. And it is getting done, one thing at a time. That's how God works. One issue at a time. It's so nice to wake up these days, knowing that He loves me. A fact that has never changed; yet I didn't allow myself to rest and delve into that reality every moment of my life.

So this year, when my family asks me, as always, "any luck?", I'll let them know this: "Yes, plenty; so much that I'm letting God chose him for me. As of right now, I'm very very content with my life, with or without boyfriend/fiance/husband."

Seeing and not feeling

The extent of time that has passed since I've written a post is truly appalling. I love writing. I love sharing whatever thoughts that come to my heart. Yet nowadays, I barely write anything. All too soon, since I don't really have a full medical career yet. Already losing my passions beside medicine.

The difficulty of the life I've been blessed to chose is startling. Medicine requires components of every aspect in being human. And it requires a specific group of people to be able to combine those components to create the excellent physician...

But that's not why I'm writing today. I'm writing because my heart needs it. It's been months and so much and not much at all has happened. For one, third year began in July and I've been on a marathon each month with each different rotation. There have been great times and sad times but at the end of the day, I wouldn't choose anything else.

I have to admit that lately, I've been not sleeping as well as I use to. I'm waking up early in the morning and dreaming about things I have to do. It's as if my mind doesn't rest anymore. And I'm slowly losing sight of where I want to be because where I am right now is not where I want to be. My relationship with God is suffering; I've become very complacent. It's a shame. I'm ashamed.

But where to begin? How do make time for the most important person in my life? How is this ever to lead to where it needs to go? And why ever so often, do tears well up in my eyes when I think of the past? Is my future not so bright anymore?

I don't want to look back; and if I do, I don't want to see things for what happened. I want to see them for what they taught me for my wisdom of the future. Lessons learned. But so far, all I've been doing is seeing and not feeling.

Quotes

My original intent in writing this post was to maturely try to understand what I've been going through emotionally, mentally and spiritually these past few months. However, I ran through someone's blog who led me to a site with quotes for broken hearts. I've listed a few of my favorites. (I have to say that I'm going through a re-broken heart phase):

“God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.”
- Author Unknown

“It hurts to breathe because every breath I take proves I can't live without you.”
- Author Unknown

“God is closest to those with broken hearts.”
- Jewish Saying (I guess He's been close to me my whole life then...)

“Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.”
- Author Unknown

"Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”
- Will Smith

“If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.”
- Unknown Author

"Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry."
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.
- Unsure about Author

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
- Psalms 34:18

Now what I've been going through these past few months cannot be truly captured with one quote; rather, it's the medley of these quotes that grasp the essence...and my hope in Christ to help me heal and see myself clearly through the broken glass that constantly plagues me...

Pausing

I'm in the midst of intense Step 1 studying and also in the final stages. I've done the online course and now I'm basically doing 4 sessions 1-hr block (46 questions/block) everyday. On Sunday, I do 3 blocks. I will admit that these past few weeks have been hard. emotionally. mentally. spiritually. And realized that my focus while studying was skewed--has been skewed. I remember one day, when it was a particularly difficult day (my session results were not the highest), that I told God, "His wanting this for me--my call in life--isn't enough anymore". How dare I? When did this suddenly become something about me? Where was the grateful attitude from when I was first accepted at GW? Or as I went through the highs and lows of 1st year?

somewhere, in the midst of learning, of attempting to deal with the outside stresses on my own, i lost sight of God in my life. or at least where He is when I feel as if the world is ending every day. there's the whole situation that happened in march, and dealing with the upset associated with that (I tend to have conversations with myself of how I would react should we ever encounter in life again--it always end with me being awesome and him regretting his actions, lol) and then the whole finances. You know, it's so funny how trust comes easily when things are great...like waking up and finding breakfast ready, or getting a promotion due to grace, or having things work because well that's how it just was planned to happen versus going through struggles every now and then...

i remember complaining (unfortunately!) to God about how something always has to happen when I'm studying for an important exam. I was like, "God, why me? Why now? Why this?" Truth is...I don't know what other people are dealing with and God never promised life would be without its struggles. And when is a convenient time for struggles? There isn't. They come when God allows them to. And obviously it's because He wants me to learn something...about Him...about our relationship. One thing I just have to realize is that my relationship with God is growing...there's no stopping, no pausing, no endpoint. And as 1 Cor 10:13 says, He's not going to let me be pushed beyond my limit. Ever. Because He is love and is faithful.

so i'm starting this week with a new perspective, starting today. This isn't about me. It includes me, my life, my future but that's not where it stops. I'm a player in the game, running the race...the goal is not so that I can make it but that my making it brings others along for His glory. There's a bigger picture in all of this and my life is only a piece of it. A crucial piece. And if I give up now, there are many others that'll be affected whom I don't even know.

So to end...yes, God, your wanting this for me, placing it as a call on my life, is enough. Forgive me for making this about me and not allowing your Spirit to show me the big picture..

That verse I never got...

"There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear. So then, love has not been made perfect in anyone who is afraid, because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:18

For the longest I've struggled with the meaning of what this verse was pointing to...and for the longest I thought it spoke of how we should love, are to love. And it wasn't until I was reading an old acquaintance's blog on how she too struggles with the same fears I have in my life that I realize the truth in this verse.

Love is God...there is no fear in God. His perfect love drives out all fear. His perfect love. Not ours. His love is perfect. It died on the cross for us. It renews us everyday and cleanses us to perfection. So we can look like him. Perfect love. What a miracle. What a blessing...

And it's in His love we are to find our true reflections, not what we see or how others see us but how He sees us: whole, complete, fearless. That is who I am in Christ. And it's having faith that in His love we have freedom do we truly live free. Because the price for freedom in Christ was paid on the cross...

Praise be to Yeshua...

What did He say?

I'm moving out from where I currently live right now...in the midst of studying for finals. Had a friend, A, come over to help me do some packing and such. We ended up talking about what's been going on in our lives and did we talk! We're going through similar struggles and it's crazy how God allows similar things to happen in our lives. Different situations, same lesson.

marking the date

Lesson learned in 2011:

He's not worth it.

I am.

I still am.

His lost.

Lesson learned: never give something valuable to someone who's not ready to appreciate it.

April 17, 2011: Goodbye, R. He's going to need divine intervention to get me to change my mind. All of this is said of course with no resentment. I'm angry at...the situation...I was merely following what I wanted. And now, I'm learning my lesson. This day marks growth...

I don't deserve inconsistency.

Lame excuses.

No follow-up.

I never asked for a relationship.

Just the truth.

And I guess I got it, the non-verbal way.

So much to do, I don't have time for this. And even if I do, I'm not making time for it anymore...

Signed,
A growing, wiser me