Dream within a dream

This is an attempt to re-ignite the writer's fire in my heart.

Take one:

Mom and I spoke today and it was for a good while. She told me stories as she relayed her fears to me. It's interesting how much closer we've gotten over the years...after the many nights of wondering if my mom and I were from the same Creator...but then again, once love changes a heart, it's amazing what that heart can do.

Take two:

It's past 1 am and I'm still up, still trying to figure out this life thing. Not life but me. I want a puppy. Maybe a lab or not. I'll start off with getting teddy bears. I know, there's no real connection...but I need something to hold and although I want something to wiggle and bark and pee on my bed (not really looking forward for that) but I'll settle for something I can hold on to as I sleep (yes, I like sleeping with teddy bears...I'm a kid at heart; deal with it).

Take three:

Saturday night and I'm stuck cleaning my room, the kitchen and my hair. I'm feeling lazy and tired but I push myself to clean, wash, clean. My lips are drier than normal and my twins are well, they're coming out again. I just ate a king size bar of butterfingers. I don't like peanuts or its family...

I slept and dreamt that something was being written. Something deep, inspiring, uplifting but this isn't it. Nothing uplifting or life-changing. Just random thoughts that think they belong together. And they don't. They don't even belong here.

The apples are green...still

In the span of time of being here and there, I'm slowly losing track of the small things that kept me happy: reading, talking to my mom, admiring nature, writing and just relishing on the small yet important things...I barely have time to enjoy a good movie. Maybe I don't have a good handle on things like I thought I did. All I do is study and once in a blue moon, I do something 'fun', and that in itself does not consist of what Jeffie usually does...

I love what I'll be doing, a good majority of the things I do, the people I'm around and at times, those rare moments I get to glance up and appreciate a sunrise...but along the way, I'm allowing myself to be more restricted, to be so focused on getting 'school work' done that I miss out on some of the things that made me who I am. But maybe this is normal, that at some point in adjusting, refocusing the lenses of life and taking baby steps on a road not ever traveled by one of mine, it's ok to lose sense of self (sort of) along the way.

I still wear red, still love chocolate ice cream, still love green apples, still dream...maybe not as much but I still do. Isn't that the point anyway? Haven't written a piece in a while but the ideas are coming; I just need to get something on paper...something that captures it all:

she said
she didn't want to be here alone
she wasn't afraid in the beginning
because other things were on her mind
the load had different weights
and one heart ached more than the other
but when she closed her eyes,
said her prayers and tried to
there was no one there
just darkness
heap of emptiness
staring back
yet she wasn't afraid
just saddened at how her own heart
lost faith in itself

I'll make the time and hopefully not be an introvert as I reconnect with my inner self. I need to. Something went wrong and I need to deal with it now. And let her loose..

Losing my innoncence

Funny how the most simple things can cause the most thought-provoking sessions...week one into medical school, I got bitten by at least 8 yellow jackets while volunteering in a park. Week two the venom started reacting, causing me to itch and swell all over. I also caught a cold that began with a really bad sore throat...

It's a rainy day today. Day after Labor Day. Nothing special about starting classes again, or seeing the same new faces in week three of med school. But I feel different. No, not the 'yay, I'm in med school (although that feeling is a constant companion)' but the 'something here reminds me of how close and far I am from home'...

I guess being sick does that to me. I miss my mom, I'm irritable, I'm not as productive as I want to be...I hate being weak. Being in an environment of high stress levels, new friends, new environment--new everything!--doesn't help. I miss home. I miss my own bed. I miss breathing in the island air. I miss being a child...I miss being taken care of.

As I get closer to the dream I've carried in my heart as a child, I feel like I'm losing that child each step of the way...no more careless laughter, or moments where I talk to the trees, or nuzzle with Mickey (my late dog), or stare into the clear blue sky...

I'm here. I made it. Step 1 down. But I feel at times that I'm inadequate...not smart enough...or ingenious enough...but isn't that what medical students fear anyway (at least some)?

At the end of the day...my biggest stone besides God...is me. I need to take care of me. Before school and at times family and friends. Maybe it's the little girl inside of me begging to live again, to run around, to smile and ask questions and keep her heart and face aligned...collaterally feeling for the soul.

I'll do better. Today, I'll do better. I'll study but I won't push myself. I'll take my vitamins and medicine. I'll sleep early. I'll smile a bit more. And be optimistic. :-) He wouldn't bring me here if He knew I couldn't make it. And His grace covers me, all over, in out, from top to bottom.

So my innoncence won't be lost after all...it'll be revealed again over time...

I saw your name

I saw your name

And my heart didn’t skip a beat

My pupils didn’t get any wider

My senses didn’t quicken

I didn’t get warm all over

Instead my fingers clicked along

On the black keyboard

My eyes passed—without pausing

Over your name

Obsession’s gone

I don’t linger on thoughts of you

Because there is none

Hmm

Yea

I laugh.

This poem was written yesterday, while I was at work. I was going through my 'buddies' list on aim, I scrolled over a certain person's name. My heart didn't jump at all, I didn't pause, my eyes kept on scanning through. It wasn't a non-chalant feeling. It wasn't bitter or sad. It was just it. I was glad.

Last night though, I went to bed, having no intentions of dreaming of anyone, because I have multiple dreams at once. He was there. But not really there. He left a message that I accidentally deleted. Didn't get to read it. And now, I'm thinking, maybe it was never meant to be read and moved on.

Glad to be finished. I'm into 'The Script' and Gavin DeGraw. I like chocolate covered strawberries. I love reading and my writing is where I want it to be. I love sleeping and don't mind sleeping the day away. I'm into cookie dough flavored ice cream. Chocolate's still my favorite though. I'm starting to like *some* beers...I'm leaning towards Irish beer though. I'm into wine, red or white. And this is all me. What I like. No one inspired me to do me. But God..He made me.

Forgiveness

Who came up with the idea of forgiveness? Or is it innate? Did our ancestors learn to forgive for survival purposes or did it come from a 'supreme being' or 'higher power' as some would say? Why forgive? To live life unburdened...free? I mean seriously...why forgive?

If you're like me, then you need to forgive. I have a very creative mind that creates scenarios where I have the opportunity to confront anyone who's really hurt and say the meanest, most vilest things to that person. I hold on to things (not necessarily hold anything against the person) but I hold things nonetheless. So, forgiving people for me means I can let things go and move on...

It still baffles me to this day how Christ, the Savior and Messiah, could die for people who knew would betray him, never love Him or accept His sacrifice. Why bother? Love. Love changes everything...gives everything meaning...reason...logic without logical reasoning. (I know, it makes no sense). From my own experience, it's hard loving when love is hard...when the very people you're trying to love make it hard as hell. When honestly, after all's said and done they don't need you to love them...or do they? I don't know.

I've forgiven my brother. I really have. But what happened recently still pisses me off. I'm excited that I've gotten into my top medical school (George Washington!!!!) but it's the only school that does a credit check...but wait. I serve a Great God! It will work out, it definitely will work out...

Naked heart

It was a gut-wrenching feat. Gut-wrenching. I'm listening to Lauren Hill's 'To Zion' and wondering how to articulate everything that's floating on my mind but simmering in my heart. My naked, raw and burning heart. I wonder how it goes on loving sometimes...

I confronted my brother a second time after discovering he had two credit card accounts fraudulently open in my name. I calmly called (I remember feeling nervous because I hate confrontations in general) and asked him if he was at work and if he was at work to call me back. He said we could talk, even when he was at work (he gets off at 12 am). I told him upfront to stop using the credit cards. He said he's been making payments on both. I checked my credit report a couple of days ago and he has been making payments--on one account. The other one is waaaaayyy past due. I tried explaining that I'll help him pay them off and that I need my credit before medical school begins. He cuts me off and explains that exactly why he's making the payments then hangs up.

I'm left wondering if I came off to soft...too polite...too understanding...too weak. It makes no sense, really, it doesn't. He's the one in the wrong and I'm willing to help clean up the mess he created but instead he's being a little jerk.

I didn't come here to vent, to rant or to condemn. I just came to say that I'm through. I reported one account as being fraudulently opened. There's no way (unless God steps through) that I'll pay off everything and save enough money for a car and start school. Seems like I'll defer after all...

...hence my naked heart. Stripped of caring, of red tears, of sense and purpose. Betrayal is hard enough...but betrayal by family...it's gut-wrenching--beyond difficult.

it was dancing near the fire
in another vision
it was captivated by the fire
staring with wet eyes
at the warmth of the flames
on tired, cut feet
it crept towards the flames
reaching out and burning away
the last of her clothing
my heart naked and torn
no longer made of flesh
life and blood
it's now an empty echo
bouncing of walls of disinterest

Rejections

It's never easy being told "no". Whether it's from parents growing up, or the guy/girl you like in high school, or even a friend you thought would be there for you. It's hard when the final answer is not what you wanted or your biggest hopes have been dashed. But what hurts more--to me at least--is when you pour out all you can in a given circumstance and what you get back are rejections.

I've been rejected--from people, friends, family (rarely), schools. Some have been more difficult to deal with then others. But this year (and half of last year), I have dealt with rejections from the one guy I spent 2 years "loving" to my top choices for grad school. This is not an entry to complain or bash the people/things that have hurt but this is to show my side of the whole thing...

Most med school applicants will get their fair share of acceptance, rejections or both. I've had both..more so of rejections than acceptances though...the first rejection was a silent one...so it didn't hurt that much. The second one came from my top choice...that didn't hurt as much either but the third one, yea, that kinda hurt. And it wasn't because it was the particular school (at this point, I honestly didn't want to go there anyway) but because it was another rejection, another unspoken statement saying "you're not good enough". It's a personal rejection. A rejection that after all's been said and done won't matter 20 years from now after I've impacted hundreds of lives around the world...because what one school doesn't want another school picks up and treasures. I am gold and it doesn't matter (really, it doesn't) if Univ. of Miami or Columbia or Univ. of Michigan can't see that. It's their loss. Never mine. Never ever mine.

At the beginning of this post, I was sad, wanting to go somewhere alone and staay there until the post-rejection feeling wears off...now, I just...am. Not too happy or sad. I found out my sister-in-law and niece were in a bad car accident and by God's grace no one was seriously injured...I would have been devastated if something happened. Life does go on, even after the most tragic things happen. Life doesn't change. We do. In the whole application cycle, I've changed. My outlook on how to do things, what to expect, and how to handle curve balls have all helped me amend my personal strength.

In the end, then, it works out. Sometimes, not the way we hoped for and other times much better than we imagined. I had a different idea of how this would happen...of how my life would turn out...of how my heart would be...but circumstances teaches lessons and I've learned. I've been humbled, broken, spent and rejected. It's happened. And I'm not that bad of a person though but I have my faults. We all do. We wouldn't be human if we were perfect...so I've accepted me as I am. And God, the love of my life, has accepted me just as I am since day 1. My family loves me and so do my friends...and I have been accepted into medical school. Out of the 5 schools that I've applied to, I've been rejected by 3...and accepted at one so far and waiting on the last one's decision. I'll end up exactly where I need to be, where I have to be, where I'll fit in best.

With that thought, I'm off to my imperfect world, with my imperfect self. Rejections are inevitable in life...acceptances are too. I'm choosing to focus on the acceptance because I want to be where I'm wanted and needed. Have a wonderful, wonderful night all. I hope my entry has cheered you up! God bless!

When's my turn?

It's so funny how life works at time. There are seasons of abundance and of course, seasons of great lack. My life has a reverse way of working. In times where three different aspects of my life are falling apart, the fourth aspect is thriving. Allow me to enlighten you, if you will.

See, a year ago around this time, I thought I was in love with this guy while I was starting to really like my friend. And then I met someone new over the summer. All the while, my financial, familial, and spiritual life were being tested to a very high level. But my personal life was just amazing! I had options, great options! But not great options for me...unfortunately...

So I ended the year losing two--but even that is not entirely true. I didn't "lose" anyone per say. It's like going out to shop for a particular item in mind but trying on different items. In the end, until you find the item you had in mind originally, you don't buy any of the items you tried on...because you had something specific in mind. That's my case. Great guys--even greater friends (two of them at last; I didn't know the last one well enough for him to be called my friend) but not who I needed to be with. Now all of them are in healthy relationships...

...and I'm choosing to stay single. I'm in a healthy place now. My heart is at rest (it's been on a roller coaster since 2006) and it's content. I'm looking forward to meeting Mr. Right-Now-But-Not-Here-Yet...all in God's timing. I believe this year will end the marathon of putting impossible walls up and allowing the "halo" of his love to bring down the guard.

So yes, life is complicated yet simply beautiful. It's war and peace. It's love and hate. It's blindness and sight, hearing and deafness, intelligence and ignorance...all at the same time. Chaos and order mixing at random intervals...and that's the beauty of it.

My turn will come soon. At what interval? I'm not sure. That's not up to me to figure out though...I just have to keep on being me and improving what I see to what He wants me to be. I can only love because I am loved more than I can love myself because love transcends all and ascends above all because it is all.

I think...well...I was fooled...into tricking my mind

It was Valentine's Day (Oh, by the way, Happy belated V-day everyone!) and it was spent (wait for it, wait for it)...at a funeral (I know, how exciting). A dear friend of the family passed away last week and the funeral was scheduled for the 14th...and there I was, in the church, imagining how I would feel if it was my mom that passed away, or my younger brother, or any close person, someone whose death would nearly break me. And that's how the 14th began for me. Oh wait, no, that's a lie. I also didn't sleep at all the night before. Since I'm so used to staying up late, I found out the night of the guests we had coming over were coming around 5 am...and they called around 2 am to let everyone now. To concisely end the story, I ended up getting a max of 2.5 hrs of sleep...

But that's not the point of this post. I wanted to give my take again on how I felt this time around celebrating V-day, minus the random calls from exes. This year was different. No random text messages or phone calls. No blast from the past from a guy I've always wondered about...My mom texted. My dad called and my close friends and family had their fair share of calling and texting...it was all nice really. I was feeling really good about myself, how I was not one of those single and bitter women, but one of those truly content and hopeful single women. Until I went out with auntie. And scraped a car that was in a parking lot. And almost didn't get my pint of chocolate ice cream. I needed my day to stop becoming increasingly bad. I really felt bad about scraping that car...it was purely accidental. And oh, I also received a text from a friend who's personal life and happiness (to some extent, not completely) relied on a selfless decision I made. Now, come to think of it...it was because my heart wasn't completely over someone. And this is the reason of this post. This someone, this guy, this person whose presence in my life was so there that with it gone...I still wonder.

My cousin didn't know the whole story about him. And I don't know why, yesterday, of all days, I just decided to spill my guts, while we were bemoaning the woes of meeting guys who send off mixed signals and aren't direct with their intentions. I guess it was because my cousin was completely frank about the indirect guy in her life and felt that I needed to come clean with the similar type in my life...In the end, we both decided being friends with guys we're attracted to makes everything else difficult. But here was my story. Granted when (let's call him R) R and I first met, it was completely innocent. I was aware that he had a girlfriend and he was aware that I was single. And at the end of the summer when we met, we lived about 3 or 4 states away from each other. So really, not much could've happened. But let's fast-forward a year or so, girlfriend's gone and it seems like he was starting to warm up to me, beyond the friend stage. And to keep working at a long-distance friendship, I was surprised...I didn't see it all then and just kept focusing on all the things that he didn't do that I missed out on the things he did do: he called me freakin' Christmas Eve (he promised to call soon) and made sure to voice his disapproval of my lack of calling him back. He shared his life with me. I held back afraid that I wasn't "good" enough. That my life was too, oh what's the word, erratic for someone as brilliant and devilishly amazing as he was. He wanted my feedback on several poems he wrote and kept some things in (that he initially wanted to take out) only because I said I liked it. I don't remember ever sharing my writing with him...except when I posted them on fb. He was willing to listen...to care...he was there when hell broke loose in my life. He was a million miles away but closer to me than any guy ever was. But me and my selfish, self-centered, scared and stubborn (yes, I know all, the "s"-beginning adjectives here) pushed him away. R was such a great friend to me, a way better friend than I was to him.

And now, I miss him. I've always had. I probably always will. I miss my friend. I miss talking to him and sharing thoughts and ideas. I miss being cared for by him. I blew my opportunity to be different and step out of the shell of stupidity and stubborness I've closeted myself in since day 1. Hesitation and fear...I know I blew it. Put aside the feelings, the "I love you's", the flirting and bring on the serious talk, the sharing, the caring, the daring to say what one wants to say. He once told me that he "said what he felt and felt what he said". I told him that was problematic because feelings change. I took the unimportant and made them important and the important--I completely blew off. At this point, it's ridiculous what I'm doing--admitting that I messed up a great friendship--but what can I say? Fear truly got the best of me.

This coming week, I'll be in his town. His college town. I was near his hometown for 2 weeks and didn't call. Yea, it was wrong in a sense...because maybe I did give off the signal that I wasn't interested...then it would make sense why he's taken and his bday message to me was catered as so...yet, he never failed to show he cares. But my cousin somehow gave me the courage to let him know I'd be in RI (through aim, of course), near Providence too. It wasn't my mind at play here, it was my heart. It still is my heart. For some crazy reason, I think that maybe there might still be some inkling of hope...I dreamt that we talked when I got to RI...it was just a dream though. But then again, you never know. Until you try.

I've placed my bets and I've done my part. All in all, if anything, I just want my friend back. Even if it never amounts to anything beyond that...because some friendships, some rare friendships, have more love than anything beyond could possibly ever have...(and if you couldn't tell, yes, I do still love R)...I don't think it'll ever stop...it will change but not stop. My heart truly follows this motto: nescit cedere (he who does not know how to give up).

Random...

Still, still

i wondered why her smile was huge
a skip in her step
a twinkle in her eye

giggles interrupted flowing thoughts
a brush of hand here
leaning on cheeks there

carry me, with you
away on the wings of bliss
her cooing caught me off guard

so sudden a flash of tomorrow
entered my mind
my heart spoke

still, still beating

pulsing

pushing

life, love

life

life

live, alive

in me..

My baby.