Losing my innoncence

Funny how the most simple things can cause the most thought-provoking sessions...week one into medical school, I got bitten by at least 8 yellow jackets while volunteering in a park. Week two the venom started reacting, causing me to itch and swell all over. I also caught a cold that began with a really bad sore throat...

It's a rainy day today. Day after Labor Day. Nothing special about starting classes again, or seeing the same new faces in week three of med school. But I feel different. No, not the 'yay, I'm in med school (although that feeling is a constant companion)' but the 'something here reminds me of how close and far I am from home'...

I guess being sick does that to me. I miss my mom, I'm irritable, I'm not as productive as I want to be...I hate being weak. Being in an environment of high stress levels, new friends, new environment--new everything!--doesn't help. I miss home. I miss my own bed. I miss breathing in the island air. I miss being a child...I miss being taken care of.

As I get closer to the dream I've carried in my heart as a child, I feel like I'm losing that child each step of the way...no more careless laughter, or moments where I talk to the trees, or nuzzle with Mickey (my late dog), or stare into the clear blue sky...

I'm here. I made it. Step 1 down. But I feel at times that I'm inadequate...not smart enough...or ingenious enough...but isn't that what medical students fear anyway (at least some)?

At the end of the day...my biggest stone besides God...is me. I need to take care of me. Before school and at times family and friends. Maybe it's the little girl inside of me begging to live again, to run around, to smile and ask questions and keep her heart and face aligned...collaterally feeling for the soul.

I'll do better. Today, I'll do better. I'll study but I won't push myself. I'll take my vitamins and medicine. I'll sleep early. I'll smile a bit more. And be optimistic. :-) He wouldn't bring me here if He knew I couldn't make it. And His grace covers me, all over, in out, from top to bottom.

So my innoncence won't be lost after all...it'll be revealed again over time...