It was Valentine's Day (Oh, by the way, Happy belated V-day everyone!) and it was spent (wait for it, wait for it)...at a funeral (I know, how exciting). A dear friend of the family passed away last week and the funeral was scheduled for the 14th...and there I was, in the church, imagining how I would feel if it was my mom that passed away, or my younger brother, or any close person, someone whose death would nearly break me. And that's how the 14th began for me. Oh wait, no, that's a lie. I also didn't sleep at all the night before. Since I'm so used to staying up late, I found out the night of the guests we had coming over were coming around 5 am...and they called around 2 am to let everyone now. To concisely end the story, I ended up getting a max of 2.5 hrs of sleep...
But that's not the point of this post. I wanted to give my take again on how I felt this time around celebrating V-day, minus the random calls from exes. This year was different. No random text messages or phone calls. No blast from the past from a guy I've always wondered about...My mom texted. My dad called and my close friends and family had their fair share of calling and texting...it was all nice really. I was feeling really good about myself, how I was not one of those single and bitter women, but one of those truly content and hopeful single women. Until I went out with auntie. And scraped a car that was in a parking lot. And almost didn't get my pint of chocolate ice cream. I needed my day to stop becoming increasingly bad. I really felt bad about scraping that car...it was purely accidental. And oh, I also received a text from a friend who's personal life and happiness (to some extent, not completely) relied on a selfless decision I made. Now, come to think of it...it was because my heart wasn't completely over someone. And this is the reason of this post. This someone, this guy, this person whose presence in my life was so there that with it gone...I still wonder.
My cousin didn't know the whole story about him. And I don't know why, yesterday, of all days, I just decided to spill my guts, while we were bemoaning the woes of meeting guys who send off mixed signals and aren't direct with their intentions. I guess it was because my cousin was completely frank about the indirect guy in her life and felt that I needed to come clean with the similar type in my life...In the end, we both decided being friends with guys we're attracted to makes everything else difficult. But here was my story. Granted when (let's call him R) R and I first met, it was completely innocent. I was aware that he had a girlfriend and he was aware that I was single. And at the end of the summer when we met, we lived about 3 or 4 states away from each other. So really, not much could've happened. But let's fast-forward a year or so, girlfriend's gone and it seems like he was starting to warm up to me, beyond the friend stage. And to keep working at a long-distance friendship, I was surprised...I didn't see it all then and just kept focusing on all the things that he didn't do that I missed out on the things he did do: he called me freakin' Christmas Eve (he promised to call soon) and made sure to voice his disapproval of my lack of calling him back. He shared his life with me. I held back afraid that I wasn't "good" enough. That my life was too, oh what's the word, erratic for someone as brilliant and devilishly amazing as he was. He wanted my feedback on several poems he wrote and kept some things in (that he initially wanted to take out) only because I said I liked it. I don't remember ever sharing my writing with him...except when I posted them on fb. He was willing to listen...to care...he was there when hell broke loose in my life. He was a million miles away but closer to me than any guy ever was. But me and my selfish, self-centered, scared and stubborn (yes, I know all, the "s"-beginning adjectives here) pushed him away. R was such a great friend to me, a way better friend than I was to him.
And now, I miss him. I've always had. I probably always will. I miss my friend. I miss talking to him and sharing thoughts and ideas. I miss being cared for by him. I blew my opportunity to be different and step out of the shell of stupidity and stubborness I've closeted myself in since day 1. Hesitation and fear...I know I blew it. Put aside the feelings, the "I love you's", the flirting and bring on the serious talk, the sharing, the caring, the daring to say what one wants to say. He once told me that he "said what he felt and felt what he said". I told him that was problematic because feelings change. I took the unimportant and made them important and the important--I completely blew off. At this point, it's ridiculous what I'm doing--admitting that I messed up a great friendship--but what can I say? Fear truly got the best of me.
This coming week, I'll be in his town. His college town. I was near his hometown for 2 weeks and didn't call. Yea, it was wrong in a sense...because maybe I did give off the signal that I wasn't interested...then it would make sense why he's taken and his bday message to me was catered as so...yet, he never failed to show he cares. But my cousin somehow gave me the courage to let him know I'd be in RI (through aim, of course), near Providence too. It wasn't my mind at play here, it was my heart. It still is my heart. For some crazy reason, I think that maybe there might still be some inkling of hope...I dreamt that we talked when I got to RI...it was just a dream though. But then again, you never know. Until you try.
I've placed my bets and I've done my part. All in all, if anything, I just want my friend back. Even if it never amounts to anything beyond that...because some friendships, some rare friendships, have more love than anything beyond could possibly ever have...(and if you couldn't tell, yes, I do still love R)...I don't think it'll ever stop...it will change but not stop. My heart truly follows this motto: nescit cedere (he who does not know how to give up).
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