Surrendering my will

On this day of your life, Jeffanne, we believe God wants you to know ... that as you surrender to divine providence in your life, you will feel lifted and carried and held.

All is well, all is well, all is well.

 

Now for the story behind this. In the past couple of months, it's been a struggle figuring what field in medicine I wanted to go into. In my head, I wanted to do one thing but in my heart I wanted to do something else. Looking back even further, it seems as if the question was already answered--I just needed to see it. From my fascination as child as I dissected lizards in our yard, to the thrill of doing it again (officially) in high school (we dissected a pig) and in medical school, well--cadavers didn't turn out to be that fun--but I knew at least then cutting was a thing for me. During my third year, though, I gave myself a chance to want to do something else every time I started a new rotation. Because in my mind, since I didn't look like a surgeon or I act like one, I could surely find something else to do. And really, what business did I have wanting to be a surgeon?

 

And that was exactly it. It wasn't that I wanted to be your typical surgeon. I wanted to do surgery. After spending six grueling weeks on the trauma team (the busiest surgery service at my institution), I figured I would be so traumatized (no pun intended) that I wouldn't want to do it. But no, the struggles I endured were not because of surgery itself. It was mostly the character-building sessions during rounds and in the OR. It wasn't the hours, it wasn't the lack of sleep, it wasn't the OR and it wasn't the patients, residents or attendings. It was me. I had difficulty accepting that at the end of the day, I was born to be a surgeon. That it was my calling. Whether I looked, talked, or walked the part. So after, waiting for my clerkship grade, talking to my attendings and a resident, I decided to accept the calling--on my own agenda. Did I know I wanted to do things on my own agenda? No, not consciously at least.

 

So that's where I found myself in the past couple of days. A nagging feeling, an unsettling in my spirit that's been there for a few weeks. And I haven't been able to put my finger on it until this past weekend. I found myself unable to sleep or stay focused on what I needed to do. I thought it was because my mom was leaving, and the fact that I needed to tell a friend we couldn't be spiritual partners anymore and even the fact that I finished a really good book series (Hunger Games). But no, none of these. The past listed things only made things more frustrating. So today, as I headed to work, I just knew that I wasn't going to work. I needed to sit and settle things out with God. Or else I wouldn't sleep. 

What a moment it was--the frustration, the fears, the tears, the struggle to relinquish it all--and then I was spent. And He told me one thing I needed to do: surrender my will. To surrender my agenda, how I wanted things to play, where I wanted to go, how I wanted to do this. Because He wasn't going to answer all the questions at once. Oh how foolish I can be. But with faith and honest trust (I have no other option but to), I surrendered my own agenda. And accepted God's agenda. The one that all the details aren't revealed yet and in my mind, the one that might mean I remain single. Set apart for Him. With no family of my own. No home to share. No offspring. An empty home. And ladies and gentlemen, that was the hardest part--saying yes to God and no to myself: "So today, I surrender my will to you. Whatever fears, indecisions, hurts, losses or whatever else may be hindering me from my calling, I surrender to you. Provide grace, mercy, peace and godly drive to finish this race, for the will You've called me to."

So you can only imagine, after being reminded 5x about knowing my calling, remembering who's in control, I have no other choice but to follow Christ. When I was 13 I said yes to Him, knowing that if He came a minute after I was reborn, my mother wouldn't be in heaven with me. And then, that was the most painful part of it. Losing my mother forever scared the life out of me. But still, at 13, I trusted that God knew what He was doing in my life. Now at 25, I'm doing it all again. This time it's my heart. I'm saying yes to God, knowing that there might be a chance I will remain unmarried for the rest of my life. Fortunately, the yes from when I was 13 still stands. I committed my life to Him then, and I am doing it now. Not for me. But for Him. For the people He will reach through me.

I accept my calling and surrender my own agenda, my will, my everything, for God's.

In truth, we are never alone

Too often, I find myself running a million different lists in my head. I start one thing here, and finish another, and feel ineffective because I have so much going on. Do I need to have a lot going on? No, I don't. But left to myself, I will find something, anything to do. So what to do, right? Well, I'm learning to focus on one major task at a time. Small things to do will always be around but major tasks will be managed differently.


Anyways, point of this post was to comment on a movie I just saw: "The Secret World of Arrietty". Now, now, now before you start asking why am I going to see an animation, you must know one very important hobby of mine: I love Japanese anime. I always have. Since the first time I encountered Dragonball Z series and Sailormoon to Full Metal Alchemist---I'm a secretly huge fan. In my heart, course. So back to the movie--very beautiful animation and depiction of friendship, in truest, purest and most innocent form. I really wonder these days where has the innocence in friendship gone? Especially in relationships between men and women. Who knows. This movie taught me that we are truly never alone. Not for one second. And that we can be the change we want to see...even if it means taking risk and being the "first" one to break the tradition.


A quote I thought was really beautiful: "My heart is stronger now because you're in it. Forever." -Shawn (Arrietty's newfound friend) Shawn had some type of heart problem in the movie and was resting for a couple of days before his surgery. Well, the day before the surgery, Arrietty says her final goodbye, telling him she hopes he never forgets her. And that was his response. Beautiful, isn't it?


As for the rest of life, I'm taking it slowly. Some days are good, others--great. I don't think I need to understand fully why certain things happen in life; I just need to trust God and trust that Him valuing me is enough. And that little part of my heart that is secretly believing in true love needs to be given a chance. Hence, the past needs to be let go. I don't know who God has chosen for me but I'm believing that he's worth it. Worth the wait. And that he'll also understand.

The beauty of life is...

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, 

we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So 

that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear,

or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love."

-Jennifer Edwards

Today is leap day! LEAP!!!! Making this year, a leap year. But sadly, that hasn't been how things seem to be lately. I want to say that there's a lot going on--and I'm sure there is--but I tend to over-think, exaggerate, and stretch things beyond how and what they need to be. To make myself clear, I'll share a snippet of my journal entry from 2 am this morning:

"[To my husband] I've found myself crying because of this indescribable pain that won't go away. It's as if I have a scar on my spirit and someone took a knife and cut a fresh wound on the same scar. I know I'm not making sense now, but if you ask, I'll try to explain it better. I think it's because the time is nearing to when it all happened (losing my innocence). I've been plagued with the aftermath since then. I think my body is releasing through tears, the pain, stress, and negativity that came along with it. For now, I'm in pain. I don't how to let go. I don't know to stop crying. I just don't know.*sigh*"

For a long time, I've struggled with self-forgiveness and acceptance. I had a good childhood, that had its bad moments, and I've practically recovered from that. Last year however, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Even with the right intentions, I was rejected in a way I've never been rejected before. There were the months of anger, hurt, and pain but I've since forgiven the person. The anger has dissipated. The hurt and pain felt less. I've learned my lesson, brushed myself off, and stood up again. I guess one thing I didn't quite do was completely forgive myself and accept myself as human. I set these overly superhuman expectations that won't be achieved unless God is providing the strength. And when I fail, because I do fail, I take a hard hit. 

So now that the dust has settled, I have a trouble looking at myself in the mirror. Like truly seeing myself. Not through a broken glass, or with shades on, or cringing to not see my true self. It's easy to see "mistake" written all over myself...and not see that when God sees me, He sees true beauty and perfection, cleansed daily by His love. But what my friend and cousin told me is true, how much more do I deserve to forgive myself? I'm human. God didn't create me nor has a plan for my life knowing that I wouldn't make any mistakes. Yet somehow, I don't want to see that. It's as if I'm telling myself, I deserve this kind of suffering. Lord knows I don't. But here's the poem I wrote to get it all out, what I thought/think is going on:

...

Thoughts are racing and

Jumble when they collide

I can't seem to find the words

Because it all happened too soon

Waves of questions

Memories cloud my thinking

And I see the broken glass again

My hands are bleeding

But it's really my heart crying

My spirit weeping

The scar is swelling and the wound

Is all too fresh

I wish I could find the words

I wish I could pray it all away

But sometimes, words are lost

I just can't seem to let God know

That the pain of yesterday is haunting me

Again

My body is telling me it's uncomfortable

My spirit is begging for freedom

As tears slowly pave a wet road

Down cheeks that frequently smile

Maybe it's another pause in my life

Maybe it's supposed to hurt

But when will it end?

How do I put a face to the loss

A face to losing me?

I think what I need to do now is let the past go, let my mistakes go, learn, live and let live. Period. So I can find true beauty in life. It's too short to keep looking back. So now, I'll be taking it one day at a time. Releasing the negative and taking in the positive. Taking the "now" step so that the "tomorrow" step can be a step of progress, wisdom, understanding and love. Here's to a healing, growing and more wiser me.

"Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come.
Looking deeply at life as it is.
In the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late.
Death comes unexpectedly.
How can we bargain with it?
The sage calls a person who knows how to dwell in mindfulness night and day,
'one who knows the better way to live alone.' "
Bhaddekaratta Sutta

p.s. Mr.no-show went AWOL.

p.p.s. On to the next one.

Last night, oh last night...

How do I manage to get myself in sticky situations? I'm not 100% sure. But I do. These past three weeks it's sort of become a ritual to have dinner with the same group of friends every Friday. How did it start? Well here's the story: 

My friend Wen (keeping it anonymous) and I haven't seen each other since last year, prior to the end of my surgery clerkship. So it made sense to meet up with her and everyone else. What I didn't learn until later is that Wen was also planning on setting me up with her boyfriend's friend. Now mind you, this year I also decided to commit my "love" life to God...keep that in mind. Anyways, I met up with Wen, her boyfriend and a couple we both knew with random guy #1. Let's call him Teq. Teq was really nice but we didn't really click. He was also eastern european...I'm not 100% sure those guys are into my kind of women. But I didn't realize this until the next day that Teq wasn't the guy I was "supposed" to meet. Fast-forward to the week after that. Wen had dinner at her house this time. Same group with a few extra people. We laughed, ate dinner and had a lot of fun. Mr.-no-show was again a no-show. I told Wen that no more...because what she didn't know is that I spend the whole week prepping myself for the "match-up". And let me mention, it's also because I have a dating anxiety or "phobia" is my friend calls it. Interesting. I know. Now moving on with the story. This past Friday, I got off of work, with no plans for the night, when Wen's boyfriend invites me to join Wen, him, and a group of other people for dinner. I had my reservations about going (it's Friday, I need to study, or sleep) but I went anyway because I'm young, it's Friday and it's guaranteed good times with friends. So I went out, we had a happy hour at this Mexican restaurant--funny thing too because I was craving a margarita. Well after 2.5 drinks, and freezing outside, we went inside the restaurant and guessed who showed up about 20 minutes later? Mr.No-show! There he was in flesh and blood! I was not having it though, lol, so I kept my cool, said hello and continued the conversation with Wen. But, Mr.-no-show was smart and started up the conversation with me by commenting on my anime wallpaper on my phone and then that's how it all started. We spoke for the rest of the night about every topic ranging from family, work, to Haiti, guys, girls, ect. It was refreshing to meet someone who's first question was not "So you're from Haiti....how's that like?" He had genuinely seemed interested. At least it seemed like it.

We ended up having brunch the next morning...and that was nice too. He gave me a hug and his number before I left for home. The downside of this was that my wonderful period came that morning. So I'm sure I looked pretty uncomfortable during brunch.

So now, where will this go? I'm not 100% sure. But I hope it goes somewhere where God is glorified. I met him in circumstances where my guard was down...that's the only way I was comfortable enough to give him a chance...

This thing called reflection

Time. Time flies by sooo quickly. Only yesterday that the year started and now there's merely 6 measly days left in the year. And oh, it's Christmas. So yes, Merry Christmas! The day was pretty much uneventful. Shared presents and then stayed home with my family, watch mom cook and I made a cake. Later on we had my aunt and cousin and her husband come over for dinner...it was less than typical Christmas but my only wish every year is that I have a good time with family...and that's exactly what happened this year.

But onto the juicy parts of this year...so much has happened! From the relationships that ended and those that began, to taking my boards and starting my clinical rotations...it seems like it's been 2 years really. Growing wiser, finding peace within myself and more importantly, with God. Remembering the most difficult moments of this year have made me appreciate them as the most instructive. I started this year in a complex place in regards to whom my heart belonged to. It certainly didn't feel like it belonged to me. My mind was consumed with relationships that should've never began. But sooner than later, they all disintegrated, one by one...and by the end of the year, they all ended. And I can honestly say there's no residual feelings of hatred, bitterness, anger, longing, regret, or wonder even. I didn't know how much potential I had within myself until everything was forced to end. The truth of one relationship was revealed early on, the other--distance killed it and the last one, well, I learned the hard way that it was a farce. I was stubborn--am stubborn--and some things, unfortunately will be learned in the most difficult of ways. That's the Haitian in me I guess.

In the midst of this year, looking back and realizing that all this change that has occurred...really has happened inside me. I've sat myself more times this year out of necessity---out of a cry within myself--that enough is enough. I got tired of settling for less than, not standing up for my needs and being strung along. I've learned how utterly selfish and deceptive the human heart can be...and I've also learned how time and forgiveness can transform even the most deepest hurts into memories of the past.

2011 have been a tough year; I've sacrificed much to learn the lessons and through the fire, I've been refined. I'm finally content. Content with myself, where I am in life, what I'm doing and most importantly, who God has called me to be. There are still some kinks to work out (there will always be) but I'm finally free. Free from being stuck in a mess that I don't how it started and what will happen when it ends. Free from all of the bulls**t. And yes, I'm looking forward to better things...things I know I deserve.

Because I'm great woman. Still in the making, but great nonetheless. Not at all said in conceit or arrogance. See? This is what this thing called reflection does: brings me closer to seeing myself as God sees me. And that's the very thing that kept me going this year.

Finally seeing a glimpse of me in His eyes.

Halfway pothole

It's Thanksgiving and this year I decided to stay in DC.  No point in buying two tickets to go anywhere, especially now that I'm cabbing myself to work these days.   I can't afford more than that.  So back to the point here: this morning, I woke up but didn't quite want to get out of bed.  I was stressing over my feeling of inadequacy on my surgery rotation right now.  Although it all started well, I was content, learning, not distraught, really doing my best to find my groove.  Well, this past week, I started out with a new team and it was rough. I felt inadequate, deficient, lacking and not improving.  Monday was busy; two traumas, clinic and then afternoon rounds.  It was ridiculous.  And, I told God, yet again, that I don't think I can do this anymore.

So, I'm here to decipher exactly when and where this occurred.  Because the main issue that I've seen when this has happened before is when I've lost perspective.  Last time this happened was when I was studying for the boards.  That was a miserable moment in my life.  Now again, that perspective seems to have disappeared.  Or gone missing.  Whichever one it is, it's still not in my view.  This academic year has been tough...six months of in-patient medicine wears you down...especially if the end is 6 wks of general surgery...on the trauma team.  But it's a choice I made.  I chose to be on the trauma team.  I chose to do the alternative curriculum.  Or at least I'd like to think I did.  My mind can understand why I need to be pushed harder and harder, but my spirit--my spirit is faltering behind.  I remember back on my peds rotation, one of my prayer angels told me this: "Just wanted to share Joshua 1:9 with you ('Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go.') Everything is going to be fine. Don't lose sight of Him or of the goal. There are no mistakes; you are where you are supposed to be."  Did I lose sight of the goal?  Of Him?  Or both?  I've never prayed so much during a rotation before...and since I've been on surgery, I've prayed every day--most days, without fail.

And now, what do I call this, where I am now, what do I call it? I cannot do this on my own.  I haven't been doing it on my own either.  God has been the one holding me up; I am too self-critical to be able to deal with work, school and myself all at the same time.  I feel like I've been hitting a ceiling, that won't budge.   Is this the halfway pothole?  Who's going to push my car out?  Am I supposed to get out now?  Or is there more beating up that needs to be done?  So many questions...no real answer.  I really don't like not liking going to work.  And this is where I am now.  I'm more confused as to what I need to do with my life.  More lost.  Still trying to find my way.  I'm slow and not as efficient as I'm trying my best to be.  I guess I really do need to take it one day at a time and develop a system that works for me.  Need to stop pushing myself beyond what I can handle, not focus on others and compare but focus on where I was to where I am now.  I am my own standard.

To end, I will review what I've learned in these past 3 weeks and do my best to start working on a system that will work for me.  First and foremost, I will keep God first. No matter how long the day is, or how hard it's been, my goal is to keep Him first. In everything.

"Success means having the courage, the determination and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be." -George Sheehan

^"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky..." (Philippians 2:13-15)

When trying fails

My dad's in the US for the next month and a half and since then, has tried to call me almost every day to see how I'm doing. Now, after living under his roof for 15 years, and being under his care for longer, anyone would appreciate that kind of attention. Anyone but me. See, I know my father. And over the years, I have learned to appreciate the memories I've had of him growing up. Prior to me learning of the truth of everything, prior to losing my childhood innocence. It's taken a while...years even to learn to accept him for him. And by doing so, I've been able to see him differently, see him like he's a child...who's never fully learned his way in life.

There are times he upsets me because of the things he says to me, my mom and my brothers. He doesn't understand things and doesn't make an effort to. His words are harsh and his "care" is attached to something else. Ulterior motives always exist. And trust me, I've tried. I've tried trying to believe that maybe, for once, my dad would care beyond the basics. To this day, every time I've spoken to him, I get asked the same questions: "When are you going to be done? When will you start getting paid? What are you doing now? I'll probably die before you're done..." Yes and never mind the questions that really matter: "How are you getting to your clinical sites? Are you sleeping/eating? What's the most challenging thing for you now? Do you need anything? How's your living situation now? Is it better?" ect. Nothing is asked that truly matters. Nothing. Never once has my dad said "I'm proud of you, I support you, I care for you, if you need anything let me know". What he does do though is brag to his friends...and says how proud he is of us/me. Who cares. Not that it matters anymore these days. He's disappointed me enough for me to not expect much.

And I know, I'm guilty also of not caring. It's the human side of me. I've gotten over my dad. I've gotten over the fact that he's not going to be one of those awesome dads that you see in the t.v. commercials who's heart is so big for his kids it brings tears to your eyes. I've gotten over the fact that he probably won't walk me down the aisle. If that's part of the plan for my life. I want my mom to walk me down the aisle. She's invested in so much of who I am today...she deserves to. Despite what tradition may say, or what people expect, I want my mom. I'll never forget what my dad told me when I was 15 and told him I was dating a guy in high school (my first boyfriend): "Are you ready to get pregnant? I'm not ready to have a pregnant teenage daughter." That resonated so much to how much my dad thought of me at that time (even now?). He never knew me. And unfortunately, he'll never know how much of great person I became. I've made my mistakes in life but I turned out fine. And looking back, there are so many places I could've made the wrong turn. But thank God, my journey so far has been incredible...without him.

I've stopped asking why and I've pushed myself to just accept. Because with a wife like my mom is, my dad never appreciated her. How would he know then how to appreciate his own children? And it's only by God's power in my life that I've been able to get this far. I spent so much time hating my dad that I wasted energy and the sense of who I was on someone who clearly was fine with the choices he made in his life.

But I have to say...there have been only few times where I've seen him hurt...like when my aunt (his sister) passed away from pancreatic cancer...and his mom expired...and finally, when his favorite daughter, Christy, passed away from leukemia. Then, I've never seen my father so heartbroken. I guess he can care...to some extent.

My hope isn't to paint my dad in a horrible light...he can be good. He's gotten better. But when he's painfully clueless about the things he says, it's horrible. Like I'll never forget every time he tells me that my younger brother, Chrissan, cannot chose the field I'm in because "he doesn't have the brains for it". Who tells that to his/her kid? And then he wonders why my brother won't pick up when he calls...I know what my brother is going through is difficult. He had no plan and hence couldn't make up his mind in college. That's why it took him so long. I know my brother has the capacity to do anything he wants. He was the smartest kid in his class in high school. He still is smart...but somehow, somewhere that got lost in translation between him and my dad.

I don't know if my dad is trying. And if he is, he's failing. Failing miserably.