The beauty of life is...

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, 

we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So 

that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear,

or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love."

-Jennifer Edwards

Today is leap day! LEAP!!!! Making this year, a leap year. But sadly, that hasn't been how things seem to be lately. I want to say that there's a lot going on--and I'm sure there is--but I tend to over-think, exaggerate, and stretch things beyond how and what they need to be. To make myself clear, I'll share a snippet of my journal entry from 2 am this morning:

"[To my husband] I've found myself crying because of this indescribable pain that won't go away. It's as if I have a scar on my spirit and someone took a knife and cut a fresh wound on the same scar. I know I'm not making sense now, but if you ask, I'll try to explain it better. I think it's because the time is nearing to when it all happened (losing my innocence). I've been plagued with the aftermath since then. I think my body is releasing through tears, the pain, stress, and negativity that came along with it. For now, I'm in pain. I don't how to let go. I don't know to stop crying. I just don't know.*sigh*"

For a long time, I've struggled with self-forgiveness and acceptance. I had a good childhood, that had its bad moments, and I've practically recovered from that. Last year however, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Even with the right intentions, I was rejected in a way I've never been rejected before. There were the months of anger, hurt, and pain but I've since forgiven the person. The anger has dissipated. The hurt and pain felt less. I've learned my lesson, brushed myself off, and stood up again. I guess one thing I didn't quite do was completely forgive myself and accept myself as human. I set these overly superhuman expectations that won't be achieved unless God is providing the strength. And when I fail, because I do fail, I take a hard hit. 

So now that the dust has settled, I have a trouble looking at myself in the mirror. Like truly seeing myself. Not through a broken glass, or with shades on, or cringing to not see my true self. It's easy to see "mistake" written all over myself...and not see that when God sees me, He sees true beauty and perfection, cleansed daily by His love. But what my friend and cousin told me is true, how much more do I deserve to forgive myself? I'm human. God didn't create me nor has a plan for my life knowing that I wouldn't make any mistakes. Yet somehow, I don't want to see that. It's as if I'm telling myself, I deserve this kind of suffering. Lord knows I don't. But here's the poem I wrote to get it all out, what I thought/think is going on:

...

Thoughts are racing and

Jumble when they collide

I can't seem to find the words

Because it all happened too soon

Waves of questions

Memories cloud my thinking

And I see the broken glass again

My hands are bleeding

But it's really my heart crying

My spirit weeping

The scar is swelling and the wound

Is all too fresh

I wish I could find the words

I wish I could pray it all away

But sometimes, words are lost

I just can't seem to let God know

That the pain of yesterday is haunting me

Again

My body is telling me it's uncomfortable

My spirit is begging for freedom

As tears slowly pave a wet road

Down cheeks that frequently smile

Maybe it's another pause in my life

Maybe it's supposed to hurt

But when will it end?

How do I put a face to the loss

A face to losing me?

I think what I need to do now is let the past go, let my mistakes go, learn, live and let live. Period. So I can find true beauty in life. It's too short to keep looking back. So now, I'll be taking it one day at a time. Releasing the negative and taking in the positive. Taking the "now" step so that the "tomorrow" step can be a step of progress, wisdom, understanding and love. Here's to a healing, growing and more wiser me.

"Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come.
Looking deeply at life as it is.
In the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late.
Death comes unexpectedly.
How can we bargain with it?
The sage calls a person who knows how to dwell in mindfulness night and day,
'one who knows the better way to live alone.' "
Bhaddekaratta Sutta

p.s. Mr.no-show went AWOL.

p.p.s. On to the next one.