Having Jesus at the center of my life

"Jesus, you're the center of my joy

All that's good and perfect comes from you

You're the heart of my contentment, hope for all I do

Jesus, you're the center of my joy"

 

 

 

This year, 2013, marks my thirteenth year being a follower of Christ. At 13, I was desperate for truth, for acceptance, for unconditional love, for someone who would never forsake me, and someone who wouldn't be dispappointed with who I am. At that point in time, it seemed like a matter of life and death. I came from a home where my parents had a severely dysfunctional marriage and that impacted me in ways I didn't realize until I was in my late teens. I was desperate because I needed to believe that there is something better than what I experienced then. Well, things changed when I took the plunge.

 

I remember well the day I was baptized. I wish could say it was a glorious morning. It was a beautiful day. But I woke up that day with a very heavy heart. I knew the decision I was about to make would mean that if God came back the instant I was baptized, those closest to my heart wouldn't be in heaven with me. It was very first time that I can recall trusting God, trusting that He knew best, and trusting that He would take care of everything. I went into the ocean burdened, ashamed, guilty, worthy of death, condemned but I chose God. I chose God because He heals, He loves, He cares---cared enough to say that I am worthy dying for...as well as the rest of humanity.

 

Since that day, God began a radical change in my life; every area was affected. He started with me--my heart. I was stubborn---am stubborn, many times---for the change to take place. He peeled layer, after layer, after layer, after layer. He pursued me relentlessly because He wants me in eternity with Him. God is still pursuing me, most importantly my heart. He got my attention really well this year. Reduced me to very little and even then, He was the one in that valley, carrying, sustaining me. God's love blows my mind. It's nothing I've ever encountered, nothing I'll ever experience with anyone, outside of Him being a part of it. He knows my heart, He's patient with me---I KNOW all too well how STUBBORN and annoying and extremely DIFFICULT I can be. Yet He stays. He chooses me every, single day. How can I say no to Him? I can't.

 

I have no regrets from when I first decided to follow Christ. There have been many challenges, many periods where I cry from the depths of my soul---all for His glory. Having Jesus at the center of my life means that I have to deny myself daily. That includes many things. Let me share one last story.

 

There's a growing transparency that comes with serving and living for God. You are humbled by Him showing you the true contents of your heart. That without Him, no true good exist. This allows you to share your weaknesses with others--to give hope that indeed no Christian is ever perfect. I am Haitian by heritage and American by birth. Growing up in Haiti, especially in Catholic families, drinking alcohol was never a big deal. I was allowed to taste alcohol at a young age, mostly at family gatherings. Kremas (close to alcoholic eggnog) was served at christenings, communion celebrations and other religious holidays. When I was 11, I binged drank for the first time. My dad had a bottle gin which in rebellion I had 5 shots of. My parents had told me earlier that I couldn't go to a Christmas party that the neighbors were having (dumb, right?). I blacked out. I remembered only snippets of that night. Since then, binge drinking became a regular occurrence, even after I became a Christian. It lasted through college and got worse in med school. Sadly, I enjoyed being drunk, even when the morning after hang over was terrible. Well fast-forward to now. Lately, when friends would invite me for dinner or to go out, the goal of the night was to get drunk. One instance, after I was pretty tipsy, I even smoked. I woke up the next day feeling terrible and just disgusted with myself. How can I say I "love" God yet outrightly disobey Him? How am I being a witness? The last straw occurred when I finished a whole bottle of wine alone, in one sitting (less than 2 hours). Then I topped it off with 3 shots of whiskey and a whiskey sour. I woke up the next day (still very not sober) and sick. At this point, I'm co-leading a small group in church and actively pursuing a healthy lifestyle. I was tired of being a hypocrite and chose God. I made a commitment to not pick up alcohol in 2013. I have an accountability partner and am now saying no to offers to happy hour---anywhere I might be tempted to drink. I quit drinking because I don't like who I am when I drink (beligerent, careless, a possible smoker and uninhibited to do heaven knows what). I don't like being drunk. I hate hangovers.

 

This is what a relationship with Christ does. In time, you let go of everything that gets in the way of your growth with Him. He supplies the strength, sustenance, peace, and courage to get it all done. I want nothing in between Christ and I: not relationships, friendships, career, finances, or desires. Thirteen years ago, I said yes to Him. Twenty-six years ago, He created my human form. He gave me life and purpose. Jesus is my truth, the center of my life. He is not an after thought, or someone I hang out with, he's not my friend with some benefits and we are not dating. He is my forever-commitment. I live my life for Him, seeking His kingdom first. Being an example of who He is to the world, so that others desperate for the Truth will find Him.

 

Having Jesus at the center of my life has been a phenomenal experience. It's one I will give up everything for. He is the Truth, the only Truth there will ever be.

 

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,

all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"-Isaiah 26:3

 

Peace, blessings and love in Christ Jesus.



The process of this place

I wrote this a while ago...in July. I was capturing snippets of the changes going on in life. It is refreshing to see God more and more in my daily activities. This poem is a result of that reality. I am overwhelmed by His goodness and I savor His presence and His love., as I patiently wait for Adam.

I have finally made it
Finally reached a place of
contentment
I can spread my wings and
Fly to whatever destination my heart
Leans toward
I am no longer afraid
No longer worrying
That you are not
No longer afraid of being alone
Of waking up with no one beside me

In my heart you live on
A faceless man
A beautiful man
Someone I don't have to construct
Or reconstruct
Because I no longer wake up
Pining away for the shadows
That used to easily blind my heart
And fool my mind
Shadows because the real you
Loves Him more than
You love me
It's a necessity
A way to know you're my Adam

So this place where He's brought
me
Is where I'll be when you come
Should you come
The goal isn't so much
If you'll come
But that He will always provide
A place of singleness
of freedom
of peace
of abundance
Where my heart is refreshed and
renewed daily
Emptied of the years of being a
receptacle for not-enoughs, for-nows,
secondaries, and
never the first and only.

This place
is where you'll find me
Where I'll be growing in Him
And my heart will be in His heart
And only those who have access to that special place
will find me.

This place

What love is this

"You never change
You are the God you say you are
When I'm afraid
You calm and still my beating heart
You stay the same, when hope is just a distant thought
You take my pain
And you lead me to the cross

What love is this, that You gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know You
And I confess You're always enough for me
You're all I need

I look to you
I see the scars upon Your hands
And hold the truth
That when I can't You always can
I'm standing here beneath the shadow of the cross
I'm overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms

What love is this that You gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know You
And I confess, You're always enough for me
You're all I need

Jesus in your suffering you were reaching you thought of me
Jesus in your suffering you were reaching you thought of me

What love is this, that You gave your life for me
And made a way for me to know You
And I confess, You're always enough for me
You're all I need"

-"What Love is This" by Kari Jobe

I post the lyrics to this song because it details my wonder of the extent of God's love. It's mind blowing. Exhilarating. Forgiving. Deep. Gentle. Real.

I was skeptical about my new job. Skeptical because I had no idea what to expect. I wondered my first day about how I was going to be treated, would I be accepted, or deemed unworthy? Two and a half weeks in...and I am floored at how amazing God's love is. I can't even detail how exciting, nurturing and right it has been. I work with 3 breast surgeons, all of which have been named top doctors in the Washington area. The director of the center is world-renowned, extremely well-trained and I get to share an office with her! Did I mention she has been advocating for me even before I showed up? People have come up to me and said "So you're the one Dr. Teal has been talking non-stop about". It makes such a difference to be finally accepted for who I am and all I have to bring. To be exactly where God wants me.

So yes, what love is this? It's only when I accepted that God was enough...enough for wherever He's taking me, that I've been able to bask in His goodness. And this is only the beginning. 

Thank you, Abba, for answering prayers, but most importantly for answering the prayers I didn't how to pray for.

The truth of the matter is...

Am I truly happy with plan B?

No. The truth is...

I think about residency. Every day.
I know what July 1st will do to me. It'll hurt.
I don't want to re-apply. I don't want to think about it.

I get that question so often now..."Are you excited about your new job? Are you happy with the plan now?". The answer is no to both. Or I guess a "not really". I don't know what to expect with the new job. I don't know what the plan is, really.

Like right now, I ask myself, is it not matching that's the hardest? Or is it the shame that comes along with it? Or is it both?

I am grateful, very, very grateful that God has blessed me with the perfect job for a circumstance like mine. Extremely grateful. The issue is...well...remembering...and it's dates. July will be for many of my friends--if not most of them--will be starting their new lives as young, practicing physicians. They'll be probably scared out of their wits--but they'll be where they need to be.

And where will I be?

Exactly where I need to be apparently.

How does one turn ashes into gold? How can this year of "starting over" be better?

Yet all I hear is this: "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9a)

And what is God's grace? Undeserved favor in everything in life: strength in our weaknesses, peace in our turmoil, self-control in our undisciplined ways, patience in our rushed moments, endurance in our calamities, perseverance in our trials, health in our diseased spirit and flesh, light in our darkness. 

I am more aware of God in my most broken moments and I am grateful that I have been reduced to such.

Instead of having a pity party for myself, I let the two seconds of pain persists but then I hand it over to God. In the face of a challenge that won't go away overnight, I pray for patience, for wisdom, for guidance and for understanding---not necessarily of the why, but more so for lesson being taught.

I fear starting over. I fear pain. I fear vulnerability. I fear being singled out. Yet it all happened with these words: "We are sorry, you did not match to any position." Some of my  biggest fears became a reality for me. Now it's a reality every day.

I am starting over. I am in pain. I am vulnerable. I am singled out. Yet, I am not alone. God is in the midst. In my most difficult moment, He is there, giving me the living spirit to rise above every day.

So how are we to trust God in the midst of confusing, frustrating, draining, prolonged circumstances that do not get better as quickly as one would like?

Check your attitude. My attention is divided between dealing with this my way versus dealing with it God's way. My focus was/is on me: I am in pain. I have to start over. I have to reapply. I did not...What happened to keeping my eyes on Jesus? How is there room left for Him to supply my needs, including my emotional needs? How am I suppose to overcome if I don't surrender?

Freedom in Christ comes with a price. We lose ourselves to gain the better us, the godly us for His glory. And the reward is so worth it. There is proof in His Word: Job, David, Ruth, Esther, Paul, and many others. There were always circumstances impossible to overcome: death, sickness, persecution, hunger...and God delivered them all. And it was their testimony, their "break out" moments.

I will close with this (since I'm basically preaching now, lol), God is faithful despite of us. There are days that will be difficult, impossible even, but give it all to Him. He is ready, waiting and willing to supply and be our strength in our weaknesses.

I love you and am praying for you.

"But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me." (Psalm 13:5-6)

In the quiet

I've been silent.

I've been still.

I've allowed myself to feel: in hurting, in crying, in smiling, in laughing and breathing.

There are those still moments.

where everything calms down long enough
for me to notice that it still hurts
and time hasn't healed me yet
where i sit and think and know
that no, it's not over
it's not over because
i'm still here and my heart
breaks still

it's not over

in being silent
in being still
maybe if i danced more
allowed myself to sigh and let it all out again
and know that no, once isn't enough

you know what makes it harder?
revisiting a wound still fresh
i hurt for the me then
i was so broken
still mending
breaking and mending

only He holds me together
because where i have ceased speaking
He hears
because only He understands why sometimes
in those still
quiet
unheard moments
the only voice heard

is the strong beating of my heart
beating, breaking, mending

A heart He made and knows all too well.

I have hope
because one day
It won't hurt anymore
I won't hurt anymore---not from this at least

In the aftermath

No one said that the pain subsides after the worst happens.

No one said anything.

No one I know has been where I am.

At least I think so.

But this is the part that isn't mentioned in trials in the Bible...the part where you wonder how did Abraham and Sarah manage to stay faithful to God for 25 years believing for a son? Were there days were Sarah became sad and cried, knowing each year that went by she was getting older? Knowing that she was well beyond the years of childbirth? Is this how Noah felt when he woke up every morning to build a huge ship in preparation of a natural phenomenon that's never occurred before? Did Job cry silently as he waited and prayed for God to save him out the misery of his painful losses? How long did Ruth's hearbreak last when her husband died?

How many more nights will go by before it doesn't hurt anymore?

I wish I could say.

But I can't.

Only God knows.

I wish God would---God, please. My heart. This year. Your will...your will. This pain is yours. The now pain, past pain and future pain. All yours.

Baka is not over. Yet.

My Valley of Baka

Baka. What exactly does it mean? Weeping. Tears. Valley of Weeping. Here's my reference:

⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.^[d]
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion. (Psalms 84:5-7 NIV)


So it's a pilgramage...a journey through. I'm not meant to set up tent and live there nor am I to die there. It's a place of stripping, of pain, of devastation and of refining. Where I am to go from "strength to strength" until I appear before "God in Zion". I'm sure at some point in your life you've had something terrible happen. And during the time, hope seemed so far away and depending on where you were with God, you might have questioned Him. Why did He allow this to happen. How did He allow this to happen. Where is He now. What do you do next. Questions that seem to fall on empty, deaf ears...

Well, here's my story:

Every year, senior medical students find out on a specific day in mid-March 1) if they've gotten a job in their choice specialty and 2) where they have found that job (a couple of days later). To match (have a job) is one of the most exhilirating and looked-forward to moments in a medical student's life. You find out that after the many, many hours of grueling studying, hard work, tears, sleepless nights that it's paid off. You have a job! And it's what you've always wanted to do. Well, this past Monday, I found out that I didn't have a job...at any of the places I interviewed at. No job. My heart dropped. My brain turned to mush. Immediately I could feel hot tears well in my eyes. How could this happen? God, do see what just happened here? What am I going to do? I don't have a job! By far, this was the worst day of 2013. The worst. It's been a difficult trail, with little support from faculty in the field I want to go into...difficult all around and for this to happen? I was/am embarrassed, devastated, hurt and dejected.

What inkling of hope that was left is now gone. Day 2 after the fateful "you-have-no-job" email, I still haven't gotten any job offers. With over 200K debt, it all looks bleak. Everyone has been supportive. Everyone. Even the floor I laid on for a good amount of time silently crying on. I am not mad at God. I know He is God and He remains on His throne forever. I don't know why this had to happen this way. I don't know what the plan is. I don't know anything. I just know that He loves me, has a plan and will take care of me. I haven't gotten angry...I've been through too much with Him to know better. But it does hurt. The pain is unbearable at times. This valley of tears is crappy to say the least.

But God. I know who my Father is. I know what His Word says

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV)

I've done all I can. It's up to Him. It's always been up to Him. This Valley of Baka is part of my journey with Christ. It's a pilgrimage that I will complete. And although my circumstances may not change the way I want them to, I know who holds my future in His hands. In the meantime, I will praise God because of who He is and who He's always been in my life.

I am not ready for my husband

It's Valentine's Day. Normally, I'd have something sweet to say. Something to remind us all what the true meaning of love is---better yet, who is the better model for love. God Himself. The more I spend time with Him, the more I learn that his love is infinite, is unearned, is present, is real, is honest, is true, is free and is completely unconditional. 

But this year around, I've realized as much as I desire a husband, I'm not ready for him. My heart is healing from things I never realized where painful. I'm needing to really learn how to not settle for less than what I deserve, even when my emotions try to get the best of me. I am not ready because I can't make up my mind on waiting on God. I am not ready because I have yet to truly love myself, as I am, faults and all. I am not ready because my heart needs to be emptied with my selfish desires and renewed by God's love and holiness. I am not ready because my spirit, soul, and heart are not in balance. I am not ready because I don't know how to love God and myself properly. I am not ready because my love for God is not completely evident in my life; I am hypocrite and I don't love Him enough to stay changed.

You may say I am being harsh on myself...and maybe I am. This is my act of love for me: to be honest, in a non-judgmental way. I am not ready. I am in need of spiritual cleansing. As of right now, my heart is hurting. And I know it's most likely my spirit yearning for God...yearning to be holy. I am not envious of my married, engaged or attached family or friends. I am truly happy for them. My time will come. I trust God. And even if it never does, then God knows why. He will supply everything, including the strength, stamina, fulfillment, joy and peace I need to live my life joyfully single for Him.

The beautiful part of my struggle to be holy is that I am not alone. My Father loves me. He sent His Son to die for me. I am worth that sacrifice. I am valued and cared for. I am needed. And I am loved. We tend to forget that; at least I do...I am much better than I was a year ago but I'm still not where I need to be. God will let me know when. In the meantime, as Psalm 27:14 says, I will wait for the Lord and I will be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

To whomever is reading this, your mistakes, your faults and failures do not change how God views you and loves you. His love will never change; His sacrifice is permanent and available to all who need Him. Give Him your pain, your struggles, your challenges, your frustrations and surrender to His will. There is pain in the process but in the end, you will be refined and well equipped to be a soldier of Christ and live a truly fulfilled life.

Be blessed.

Waiting...living

This business of having breaks is very welcome. It opens doors for me to rest, think, be at peace and yes, reflect. I've come to realize the more time I have free, the closer I have to look at me, my soul, and God. These past couple of days there's been an uprising within me. I wish I could put into words what this restlessness is, where it's going, what it's doing to me. A warring within me continues. It's a medley of things. Of me being tired of just waiting. For Him and for him. Patience---the building up process is nothing to just go through. Even as I'm writing this post, I don't know if I'll able to put everything down as I'm enduring it. This yearning in my heart to just be where He wants me to be, to be how He wants me to be, and to just make Him happy. It's a pain that no words can describe. It doesn't hurt...it just is there.

So it returns

Words cannot frame this hunger
A pain unfelt yet present
An eye sought but not seen
An ear heard not hearing
A terrible tragedy not born
Yet put to death

I wonder, is it boredom
A forgotten skill
My life slipping before me
Him calling me---beseeching 
What must I sacrifice?
There is no more of me left

I have been brought to my knees
Bleeding, crushed---humbling, humbled
Asked, cannot speak
For no one understands the language
Yet everyone at some point has been 
there
The point where one does not know

My escape fails me
My dreams provide no relief
I am slowly dying
In my waiting
God, what do I make of this?
It all makes no sense

It's a silent, deafening scream

And that's the gist of it. I can't explain what's going on. I pray...I talk to God daily...it's not a silent treatment. It's "I'm letting you grow". And usually I'd fight back; but there's no point this time. It's for the kingdom...for someone who will need a hand to get through whatever they're going through. Lately, I've been reading and re-reading Joseph's story. I love the lessons that He brings to light...I've heard the Joseph ever since I was a little girl and now it has new meaning.