Waiting...living

This business of having breaks is very welcome. It opens doors for me to rest, think, be at peace and yes, reflect. I've come to realize the more time I have free, the closer I have to look at me, my soul, and God. These past couple of days there's been an uprising within me. I wish I could put into words what this restlessness is, where it's going, what it's doing to me. A warring within me continues. It's a medley of things. Of me being tired of just waiting. For Him and for him. Patience---the building up process is nothing to just go through. Even as I'm writing this post, I don't know if I'll able to put everything down as I'm enduring it. This yearning in my heart to just be where He wants me to be, to be how He wants me to be, and to just make Him happy. It's a pain that no words can describe. It doesn't hurt...it just is there.

So it returns

Words cannot frame this hunger
A pain unfelt yet present
An eye sought but not seen
An ear heard not hearing
A terrible tragedy not born
Yet put to death

I wonder, is it boredom
A forgotten skill
My life slipping before me
Him calling me---beseeching 
What must I sacrifice?
There is no more of me left

I have been brought to my knees
Bleeding, crushed---humbling, humbled
Asked, cannot speak
For no one understands the language
Yet everyone at some point has been 
there
The point where one does not know

My escape fails me
My dreams provide no relief
I am slowly dying
In my waiting
God, what do I make of this?
It all makes no sense

It's a silent, deafening scream

And that's the gist of it. I can't explain what's going on. I pray...I talk to God daily...it's not a silent treatment. It's "I'm letting you grow". And usually I'd fight back; but there's no point this time. It's for the kingdom...for someone who will need a hand to get through whatever they're going through. Lately, I've been reading and re-reading Joseph's story. I love the lessons that He brings to light...I've heard the Joseph ever since I was a little girl and now it has new meaning.