It's Valentine's Day. Normally, I'd have something sweet to say. Something to remind us all what the true meaning of love is---better yet, who is the better model for love. God Himself. The more I spend time with Him, the more I learn that his love is infinite, is unearned, is present, is real, is honest, is true, is free and is completely unconditional.
But this year around, I've realized as much as I desire a husband, I'm not ready for him. My heart is healing from things I never realized where painful. I'm needing to really learn how to not settle for less than what I deserve, even when my emotions try to get the best of me. I am not ready because I can't make up my mind on waiting on God. I am not ready because I have yet to truly love myself, as I am, faults and all. I am not ready because my heart needs to be emptied with my selfish desires and renewed by God's love and holiness. I am not ready because my spirit, soul, and heart are not in balance. I am not ready because I don't know how to love God and myself properly. I am not ready because my love for God is not completely evident in my life; I am hypocrite and I don't love Him enough to stay changed.
You may say I am being harsh on myself...and maybe I am. This is my act of love for me: to be honest, in a non-judgmental way. I am not ready. I am in need of spiritual cleansing. As of right now, my heart is hurting. And I know it's most likely my spirit yearning for God...yearning to be holy. I am not envious of my married, engaged or attached family or friends. I am truly happy for them. My time will come. I trust God. And even if it never does, then God knows why. He will supply everything, including the strength, stamina, fulfillment, joy and peace I need to live my life joyfully single for Him.
The beautiful part of my struggle to be holy is that I am not alone. My Father loves me. He sent His Son to die for me. I am worth that sacrifice. I am valued and cared for. I am needed. And I am loved. We tend to forget that; at least I do...I am much better than I was a year ago but I'm still not where I need to be. God will let me know when. In the meantime, as Psalm 27:14 says, I will wait for the Lord and I will be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
To whomever is reading this, your mistakes, your faults and failures do not change how God views you and loves you. His love will never change; His sacrifice is permanent and available to all who need Him. Give Him your pain, your struggles, your challenges, your frustrations and surrender to His will. There is pain in the process but in the end, you will be refined and well equipped to be a soldier of Christ and live a truly fulfilled life.
Be blessed.
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