The truth of the matter is...

Am I truly happy with plan B?

No. The truth is...

I think about residency. Every day.
I know what July 1st will do to me. It'll hurt.
I don't want to re-apply. I don't want to think about it.

I get that question so often now..."Are you excited about your new job? Are you happy with the plan now?". The answer is no to both. Or I guess a "not really". I don't know what to expect with the new job. I don't know what the plan is, really.

Like right now, I ask myself, is it not matching that's the hardest? Or is it the shame that comes along with it? Or is it both?

I am grateful, very, very grateful that God has blessed me with the perfect job for a circumstance like mine. Extremely grateful. The issue is...well...remembering...and it's dates. July will be for many of my friends--if not most of them--will be starting their new lives as young, practicing physicians. They'll be probably scared out of their wits--but they'll be where they need to be.

And where will I be?

Exactly where I need to be apparently.

How does one turn ashes into gold? How can this year of "starting over" be better?

Yet all I hear is this: "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9a)

And what is God's grace? Undeserved favor in everything in life: strength in our weaknesses, peace in our turmoil, self-control in our undisciplined ways, patience in our rushed moments, endurance in our calamities, perseverance in our trials, health in our diseased spirit and flesh, light in our darkness. 

I am more aware of God in my most broken moments and I am grateful that I have been reduced to such.

Instead of having a pity party for myself, I let the two seconds of pain persists but then I hand it over to God. In the face of a challenge that won't go away overnight, I pray for patience, for wisdom, for guidance and for understanding---not necessarily of the why, but more so for lesson being taught.

I fear starting over. I fear pain. I fear vulnerability. I fear being singled out. Yet it all happened with these words: "We are sorry, you did not match to any position." Some of my  biggest fears became a reality for me. Now it's a reality every day.

I am starting over. I am in pain. I am vulnerable. I am singled out. Yet, I am not alone. God is in the midst. In my most difficult moment, He is there, giving me the living spirit to rise above every day.

So how are we to trust God in the midst of confusing, frustrating, draining, prolonged circumstances that do not get better as quickly as one would like?

Check your attitude. My attention is divided between dealing with this my way versus dealing with it God's way. My focus was/is on me: I am in pain. I have to start over. I have to reapply. I did not...What happened to keeping my eyes on Jesus? How is there room left for Him to supply my needs, including my emotional needs? How am I suppose to overcome if I don't surrender?

Freedom in Christ comes with a price. We lose ourselves to gain the better us, the godly us for His glory. And the reward is so worth it. There is proof in His Word: Job, David, Ruth, Esther, Paul, and many others. There were always circumstances impossible to overcome: death, sickness, persecution, hunger...and God delivered them all. And it was their testimony, their "break out" moments.

I will close with this (since I'm basically preaching now, lol), God is faithful despite of us. There are days that will be difficult, impossible even, but give it all to Him. He is ready, waiting and willing to supply and be our strength in our weaknesses.

I love you and am praying for you.

"But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me." (Psalm 13:5-6)