Nothing matters

 I just saw one of the most thought-provoking movies for the year...it was an excellent movie in my opinion and fit in right into what I've been thinking about/feeling for the last few weeks. I'm not going to spoil anything but a few thoughts:

1. We all fight differently. Some of use words, others use guns, others use kindness, and others use feelings. At the end of the day, we should be kind to each other--our struggles will be different (or the same, it doesn't matter) and we'll fight differently. The point is we all have a fight we are fighting.

2. Love, above all, makes things make sense and fixes/exposes the broken pieces. I'm not talking about infatuation or lust--I'm talking about agape love. It pushes us to be vulnerable, to be honest, to do no harm, to be kind, to see others as we see ourselves--and so much more.

Lately, I've been thinking about what exactly am I looking for in a partner. My mom used to say that she was praying I find a good person to spend the rest of my life with. I would laugh--what does she know about that?--I'd think--she married my dad. Now, I'm starting to realize that my mom probably knew me better than I knew myself. And even though she didn't marry the partner she deserved, maybe I'd get the chance to do it right. My mom always wanted me to believe that the right (romantic) love was possible but I dismissed it every time she brought it up.

Now I sort of...understand it? What/who I wanted when I was 20 is not who I necessarily want at 35. I want my life partner to provide balance and I provide that for him. I prefer kindness, compassion, generosity, understanding, support, vulnerability, emotional intelligence, intellect, humor, wit, sexual compatibility, physical attractiveness, respect for the Universe/God, and financial stability. Someone who will love me as I am, someone who will love me--all of me. Love shouldn't be a struggle...not the love we choose. I want to make life with him, learn from him, be his partner/supporter, and love him as he wants to be loved. I do not want to settle. Life is too short for that. I also don't care what race he is...God knows that. My heart knows it too...because in my dreams, my partners/boyfriends/fiances/husbands...were never black (unclear why because I've only seriously dated black men). And that's ok. It is what it is. The right person won't have me questioning my sanity, won't gaslight me, and won't use my vulnerability against me--struggle love won't be part of our lives. And someone I'll reciprocate it with too. It shouldn't be part of anyone's life.

My mom did not want me to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm finally admitting that I don't want that for myself either. When done right, love is beautiful. The greatest love I've known in my life, besides what God/the Universe/Spirit provides, is my mom's love. With it gone (in physical realm at least), sometimes I feel like nothing matters...then everything matters all at once. Ha.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. We are small, insignificant beings who have a very brief moment on this planet. Earth has been around longer than any human on it now. We are grass; one moment here and another--gone. But in that brief time we have on this planet, we are given the opportunity to create a life well-lived. And I think a component of that is loving as much as we can: those we choose to love and those we are born to love.

I am open and ready, God, to have my world rocked. I've fallen in love with my first love and the hard love--the hard love was HARD. It shut me down for a very long time. But I'm healing and in a better place than I was before. I guess the third love is left--the one that lasts. I'm sorta terrified because it's the one that just...happens? It fits. Makes sense. No fight and doesn't look like what we'd imagine it to look like BUT it works! Can you imagine me in that kind of situation? The one who wants to plan and know every step of said plan? Ha. HA. 

I am learning to let go. I am learning to be vulnerable. I am learning that there is strength in kindness, in love, in being vulnerable. I am learning to heal. I've had my first love--he still wouldn't be the right guy to marry today. I need a partner who supports the work that I do. I've had my hard love--broke my heart in a way I didn't know was possible and almost made me not want to ever love again. 

But here I am.

In a universe where nothing appears to matter, there's another parallel universe where it all matters. And I live and love in both. I choose to love. I choose love.

I am ready, Universe.

On your birthday

Lately my dreams of you have been filled with anger. For instance, I dreamt that you were reprimanding me for borrowing your jewelry and not returning them. I lashed out and asked you how could you focus on that when you were so focused on husband that didn't love you and your abandoning me. I also recognized in the dream that who I was talking to...wasn't you. Because you were never like that in real life. You were not selfish. And we shared shoes and jewelry. So I don't know what the dream meant. You also didn't have a response...then Gege showed up...and things faded away.

There are days I want to scream, Mom. You should've been here. You left too soon. How am I supposed to keep going like this? You're a memory now? Tomorrow would've been your 69th birthday. And it's breaking my heart in a way that I can't put into words. This is hell.

I know where you are, you are loved, safe, protected, free and thriving. I wish you all the love the universe has to offer...I miss you so much. The tears don't stop and the brokenness in my heart will never go away...not until I see you again.

I do wish you a happy birthday--

Dear Mom

 Dear Mom,

As the days go on, and the holiday season is upon us, I’m still lost over your death. It’s still unreal. It still breaks my heart. I wish you were here. We all do but I’m going to be selfish and say I miss you the most. I wish we had more time together. I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you…the ways I knew and didn’t know. Christmas is going to be hard. My first birthday without you is going to be hard. Some days I wake up and think it’s all a bad dream…but like Covid that’s not going anywhere (le sigh), you’re still gone. It’s been over 3 months since you’ve been gone. Some days I’m ok, and other days, like Sundays, I’m in shambles. No one has and no one ever will love me like you loved me. I’m just realizing as much as other people talked my weight…you never brought it up. Ever. Maybe you were happy with me just being alive and healthy. How you married someone like dad…I’ll never understand. Y’all were complete opposites. My therapist told me to start writing you letters…so here I am. I know you’re good and happy and loved. As much as I want you here, I know where you are is much better for you. I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll do my best to make you proud with the time I have left here on earth.

I love you. 

Fafoune

In case anyone forgot

It’s an empty space

An empty place

When the noise is gone

And I’m all alone

I hear your voice 

I see your smile

But the pain of losing you is overwhelming

Suffocates me at times

The deluge starts all over again

(I don’t think it ever stopped)

And I’m back to square none

Death too soon

A punishment, a release

My grief

My prison

My burden to bear

My valley, my own personal hell

Dreams

Last night I dreamt that I was on the phone with my mother. We were talking about random things and then I looked at how long we were talking. The screen said 42 mins. I started crying uncontrollably in my dream because it was at the same time I realized that my mom was gone. 

My sadness penetrates my dreams. Even when I see her or talk to her, I don't know why I keep reminding myself she is gone. 

It'll be 3 months in 2 days. It hurts just as much as it did on day 1.

To be brave

to be brave 

to be vulnerable

to be strong

what the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

i live in a space where lumps form in my throat

and i tell myself keep it in

"this isn't the right place or time to cry"

the sun's warmth is non-existent

a throbbing pain in my chest is the norm

living is really dying, every day

two realities exist, a genuine smile

and a permanent brokenness

dark and light co-existing in a way i didn't think possible

a place where God/Yahweh/Love Divine exists too, i'm learning

it's still a sh*t place

it's no where anyone chooses to be

but here we are

here i am

time 

the only part of this that never stops

time dulls the pain

but nothing takes the pain away

what is grief?

love. love that perseveres. 

it’s what reminds me every day:

the depth of my grief is the depth of my love

for her

oh, to be brave

Living an impossible life

The last few weeks have been what seems to be a nightmare. And it's been easy to only focus on the negative...because that's what's been dominating my life right now.

I remember when I was younger and thought about life without my mom...I would stop myself very quickly because it just seemed...impossible. Mom was supposed to be eternal, in my very naïve mind. Moms never died right?

As an adult, I didn't think about mom dying either because...she was always supposed to be here. Even last year when she had to go to the hospital because of a stroke, I was comforted by the fact that we could take her to the hospital and do as much as possible (as much as she wanted) and keep her around. It initially terrified me because it was the closest I got to losing my mom. But the more I spoke to her, the more I was able to be at peace because she was improving.

She looked happy the last time I saw her for Mother's Day. Like, really happy. Even though I was focused on being pissed because my dad had told her what he wanted to eat for Mother's Day. But, despite all the bullshit, my siblings and I got her flowers, a cake, a card and gifts for Mother's Day. All a surprise...even my being there. My last memory of her was of her smiling.

Today was the first time I dreamed about her and I was angry when I realized that it was her...I asked her why she left...and if she (basically) got what she wanted (all assumptions here, but peace, healing, health, and love). I'm such a bitch, right? She looked SOO GOOD. Healthy, vibrant, WELL, happy and at peace. She was also wearing a lot of yellow but honestly, the top she had on was multicolored. She was sad with my reaction--she didn't answer my questions not because she didn't have an answer but because it would make me sad. I selfishly wanted my mom to be around forever. She didn't like going to the hospital and certainly didn't like being sick with this insufferable cough...she also suffered a lot of her life and I think she just got tired.

It is impossible to live without her. At least, that's how it feels. My heart will forever remain broken. At least until we are reunited. I love my mom. And I know that she loved me. And when it's the hardest of days, that's what keeps me going. To know that I loved her and she loved me. She was an incredible woman and suffered too much during her life. She loved well and I wish I could love her enough so that she didn't want more...

I miss her and will forever miss her...because what is grief, if not love persevering? (Got that from Marvel, WandaVision...). I want to be angry but can't because it won't bring mom back. She is in a better place...even if that place does not involve me (because I'm selfish).

I'm off to living an impossible life without my mother.