Living an impossible life

The last few weeks have been what seems to be a nightmare. And it's been easy to only focus on the negative...because that's what's been dominating my life right now.

I remember when I was younger and thought about life without my mom...I would stop myself very quickly because it just seemed...impossible. Mom was supposed to be eternal, in my very naïve mind. Moms never died right?

As an adult, I didn't think about mom dying either because...she was always supposed to be here. Even last year when she had to go to the hospital because of a stroke, I was comforted by the fact that we could take her to the hospital and do as much as possible (as much as she wanted) and keep her around. It initially terrified me because it was the closest I got to losing my mom. But the more I spoke to her, the more I was able to be at peace because she was improving.

She looked happy the last time I saw her for Mother's Day. Like, really happy. Even though I was focused on being pissed because my dad had told her what he wanted to eat for Mother's Day. But, despite all the bullshit, my siblings and I got her flowers, a cake, a card and gifts for Mother's Day. All a surprise...even my being there. My last memory of her was of her smiling.

Today was the first time I dreamed about her and I was angry when I realized that it was her...I asked her why she left...and if she (basically) got what she wanted (all assumptions here, but peace, healing, health, and love). I'm such a bitch, right? She looked SOO GOOD. Healthy, vibrant, WELL, happy and at peace. She was also wearing a lot of yellow but honestly, the top she had on was multicolored. She was sad with my reaction--she didn't answer my questions not because she didn't have an answer but because it would make me sad. I selfishly wanted my mom to be around forever. She didn't like going to the hospital and certainly didn't like being sick with this insufferable cough...she also suffered a lot of her life and I think she just got tired.

It is impossible to live without her. At least, that's how it feels. My heart will forever remain broken. At least until we are reunited. I love my mom. And I know that she loved me. And when it's the hardest of days, that's what keeps me going. To know that I loved her and she loved me. She was an incredible woman and suffered too much during her life. She loved well and I wish I could love her enough so that she didn't want more...

I miss her and will forever miss her...because what is grief, if not love persevering? (Got that from Marvel, WandaVision...). I want to be angry but can't because it won't bring mom back. She is in a better place...even if that place does not involve me (because I'm selfish).

I'm off to living an impossible life without my mother.