Things fall apart

On August 13, 2021...at some time in the wee hours of the morning, my mother, Germaine J. Millien, died at home. She died in the arms of a close family friend and in her own fashion, said thank you and that she was leaving before she died.

I received a phone call from my cousin in NY at 4:22 am CST and I immediately assumed this had to do with her or my cousin who has sickle cell. Then my brother spoke up and I immediately knew it was bad. 

My mom and I developed a very special bond the older I got. She exuded grace, kindness, love, forgiveness and patience like no other. Though she shares the same birthday as my dad, they are two completely different human beings. I shared some of my most difficult moments with my mom and even when she didn't understand everything...she'd sympathize either way. She was the best.

My whole world crumbled with my mother's passing...I am and remain devastated. I don't know how I'll make the rest of year, let alone life. She will never get to see me have kids (if I ever have them), never see me get married (if that's in the stars for me), never go on the trip I promised her and many other things. I knew deep, deep down that my mother would die before my dad. I have a strong feeling that she knew her time was short because she wanted to go to Haiti this year, after my last brother who was in Haiti made it to the US. I feel like she was at peace knowing that we had the potential to all do good things since we were all stateside.

I vacillate between feelings of sadness, anger, depression, hope and then back into deep painful emotion that has no words. But it's all grief. I heard the last moments before she passed and it confirmed to me that she knew her time was near. The only consolation was that she was with two people who cared deeply for her. No, it wasn't my dad and I'm glad it wasn't. That's for another post.

No amount of crying, drinking, begging and pleading with God, or "staying strong" will bring my mother back. The grief is terrible. Some days I feel like I can't breathe. Other days, I feel nothing. But the deep pain? It never leaves me. 

I find some peace in believing that she is no longer suffering, that she is free, surrounded by deep love, and at peace. I'm just heartbroken that for that to happen...she would have to no longer be in the physical realm. I miss my mother so much. So very much.

I can't believe we are now planning her funeral.