What I wanted

It's interesting how things change over a span of time...the things I wanted, worked hard for, fell in love with, fell out of love with, cared for, thought about, did...some things I still love, still work hard for, still want...after all this time. Other things come and go. Makes me question myself. How much did I really want that pair of shoes? How much did I care about that random conversation? How much did I really love him?

Tonight my two childhood bestfriends confided in me that they always thought I would end up with my ex again. After I told them that he recently got engaged. I thought nothing of it and actually hoped this was it for him--that he was finally happy and at peace.

It's late. I need get back to the life that doesn't wait for me to catch up. But before I go, I have to say, just got back from a Chrisette Michele concert. It was absolutely amazing! She sings great live and adds in the sugar, spice and spunk to make it all work! Glad I went and enjoyed myself.

Now again, back to life.

I wonder what that looks like anymore...

Dream within a dream

This is an attempt to re-ignite the writer's fire in my heart.

Take one:

Mom and I spoke today and it was for a good while. She told me stories as she relayed her fears to me. It's interesting how much closer we've gotten over the years...after the many nights of wondering if my mom and I were from the same Creator...but then again, once love changes a heart, it's amazing what that heart can do.

Take two:

It's past 1 am and I'm still up, still trying to figure out this life thing. Not life but me. I want a puppy. Maybe a lab or not. I'll start off with getting teddy bears. I know, there's no real connection...but I need something to hold and although I want something to wiggle and bark and pee on my bed (not really looking forward for that) but I'll settle for something I can hold on to as I sleep (yes, I like sleeping with teddy bears...I'm a kid at heart; deal with it).

Take three:

Saturday night and I'm stuck cleaning my room, the kitchen and my hair. I'm feeling lazy and tired but I push myself to clean, wash, clean. My lips are drier than normal and my twins are well, they're coming out again. I just ate a king size bar of butterfingers. I don't like peanuts or its family...

I slept and dreamt that something was being written. Something deep, inspiring, uplifting but this isn't it. Nothing uplifting or life-changing. Just random thoughts that think they belong together. And they don't. They don't even belong here.

The apples are green...still

In the span of time of being here and there, I'm slowly losing track of the small things that kept me happy: reading, talking to my mom, admiring nature, writing and just relishing on the small yet important things...I barely have time to enjoy a good movie. Maybe I don't have a good handle on things like I thought I did. All I do is study and once in a blue moon, I do something 'fun', and that in itself does not consist of what Jeffie usually does...

I love what I'll be doing, a good majority of the things I do, the people I'm around and at times, those rare moments I get to glance up and appreciate a sunrise...but along the way, I'm allowing myself to be more restricted, to be so focused on getting 'school work' done that I miss out on some of the things that made me who I am. But maybe this is normal, that at some point in adjusting, refocusing the lenses of life and taking baby steps on a road not ever traveled by one of mine, it's ok to lose sense of self (sort of) along the way.

I still wear red, still love chocolate ice cream, still love green apples, still dream...maybe not as much but I still do. Isn't that the point anyway? Haven't written a piece in a while but the ideas are coming; I just need to get something on paper...something that captures it all:

she said
she didn't want to be here alone
she wasn't afraid in the beginning
because other things were on her mind
the load had different weights
and one heart ached more than the other
but when she closed her eyes,
said her prayers and tried to
there was no one there
just darkness
heap of emptiness
staring back
yet she wasn't afraid
just saddened at how her own heart
lost faith in itself

I'll make the time and hopefully not be an introvert as I reconnect with my inner self. I need to. Something went wrong and I need to deal with it now. And let her loose..

Losing my innoncence

Funny how the most simple things can cause the most thought-provoking sessions...week one into medical school, I got bitten by at least 8 yellow jackets while volunteering in a park. Week two the venom started reacting, causing me to itch and swell all over. I also caught a cold that began with a really bad sore throat...

It's a rainy day today. Day after Labor Day. Nothing special about starting classes again, or seeing the same new faces in week three of med school. But I feel different. No, not the 'yay, I'm in med school (although that feeling is a constant companion)' but the 'something here reminds me of how close and far I am from home'...

I guess being sick does that to me. I miss my mom, I'm irritable, I'm not as productive as I want to be...I hate being weak. Being in an environment of high stress levels, new friends, new environment--new everything!--doesn't help. I miss home. I miss my own bed. I miss breathing in the island air. I miss being a child...I miss being taken care of.

As I get closer to the dream I've carried in my heart as a child, I feel like I'm losing that child each step of the way...no more careless laughter, or moments where I talk to the trees, or nuzzle with Mickey (my late dog), or stare into the clear blue sky...

I'm here. I made it. Step 1 down. But I feel at times that I'm inadequate...not smart enough...or ingenious enough...but isn't that what medical students fear anyway (at least some)?

At the end of the day...my biggest stone besides God...is me. I need to take care of me. Before school and at times family and friends. Maybe it's the little girl inside of me begging to live again, to run around, to smile and ask questions and keep her heart and face aligned...collaterally feeling for the soul.

I'll do better. Today, I'll do better. I'll study but I won't push myself. I'll take my vitamins and medicine. I'll sleep early. I'll smile a bit more. And be optimistic. :-) He wouldn't bring me here if He knew I couldn't make it. And His grace covers me, all over, in out, from top to bottom.

So my innoncence won't be lost after all...it'll be revealed again over time...

I saw your name

I saw your name

And my heart didn’t skip a beat

My pupils didn’t get any wider

My senses didn’t quicken

I didn’t get warm all over

Instead my fingers clicked along

On the black keyboard

My eyes passed—without pausing

Over your name

Obsession’s gone

I don’t linger on thoughts of you

Because there is none

Hmm

Yea

I laugh.

This poem was written yesterday, while I was at work. I was going through my 'buddies' list on aim, I scrolled over a certain person's name. My heart didn't jump at all, I didn't pause, my eyes kept on scanning through. It wasn't a non-chalant feeling. It wasn't bitter or sad. It was just it. I was glad.

Last night though, I went to bed, having no intentions of dreaming of anyone, because I have multiple dreams at once. He was there. But not really there. He left a message that I accidentally deleted. Didn't get to read it. And now, I'm thinking, maybe it was never meant to be read and moved on.

Glad to be finished. I'm into 'The Script' and Gavin DeGraw. I like chocolate covered strawberries. I love reading and my writing is where I want it to be. I love sleeping and don't mind sleeping the day away. I'm into cookie dough flavored ice cream. Chocolate's still my favorite though. I'm starting to like *some* beers...I'm leaning towards Irish beer though. I'm into wine, red or white. And this is all me. What I like. No one inspired me to do me. But God..He made me.

Forgiveness

Who came up with the idea of forgiveness? Or is it innate? Did our ancestors learn to forgive for survival purposes or did it come from a 'supreme being' or 'higher power' as some would say? Why forgive? To live life unburdened...free? I mean seriously...why forgive?

If you're like me, then you need to forgive. I have a very creative mind that creates scenarios where I have the opportunity to confront anyone who's really hurt and say the meanest, most vilest things to that person. I hold on to things (not necessarily hold anything against the person) but I hold things nonetheless. So, forgiving people for me means I can let things go and move on...

It still baffles me to this day how Christ, the Savior and Messiah, could die for people who knew would betray him, never love Him or accept His sacrifice. Why bother? Love. Love changes everything...gives everything meaning...reason...logic without logical reasoning. (I know, it makes no sense). From my own experience, it's hard loving when love is hard...when the very people you're trying to love make it hard as hell. When honestly, after all's said and done they don't need you to love them...or do they? I don't know.

I've forgiven my brother. I really have. But what happened recently still pisses me off. I'm excited that I've gotten into my top medical school (George Washington!!!!) but it's the only school that does a credit check...but wait. I serve a Great God! It will work out, it definitely will work out...

Naked heart

It was a gut-wrenching feat. Gut-wrenching. I'm listening to Lauren Hill's 'To Zion' and wondering how to articulate everything that's floating on my mind but simmering in my heart. My naked, raw and burning heart. I wonder how it goes on loving sometimes...

I confronted my brother a second time after discovering he had two credit card accounts fraudulently open in my name. I calmly called (I remember feeling nervous because I hate confrontations in general) and asked him if he was at work and if he was at work to call me back. He said we could talk, even when he was at work (he gets off at 12 am). I told him upfront to stop using the credit cards. He said he's been making payments on both. I checked my credit report a couple of days ago and he has been making payments--on one account. The other one is waaaaayyy past due. I tried explaining that I'll help him pay them off and that I need my credit before medical school begins. He cuts me off and explains that exactly why he's making the payments then hangs up.

I'm left wondering if I came off to soft...too polite...too understanding...too weak. It makes no sense, really, it doesn't. He's the one in the wrong and I'm willing to help clean up the mess he created but instead he's being a little jerk.

I didn't come here to vent, to rant or to condemn. I just came to say that I'm through. I reported one account as being fraudulently opened. There's no way (unless God steps through) that I'll pay off everything and save enough money for a car and start school. Seems like I'll defer after all...

...hence my naked heart. Stripped of caring, of red tears, of sense and purpose. Betrayal is hard enough...but betrayal by family...it's gut-wrenching--beyond difficult.

it was dancing near the fire
in another vision
it was captivated by the fire
staring with wet eyes
at the warmth of the flames
on tired, cut feet
it crept towards the flames
reaching out and burning away
the last of her clothing
my heart naked and torn
no longer made of flesh
life and blood
it's now an empty echo
bouncing of walls of disinterest