Pausing

I'm in the midst of intense Step 1 studying and also in the final stages. I've done the online course and now I'm basically doing 4 sessions 1-hr block (46 questions/block) everyday. On Sunday, I do 3 blocks. I will admit that these past few weeks have been hard. emotionally. mentally. spiritually. And realized that my focus while studying was skewed--has been skewed. I remember one day, when it was a particularly difficult day (my session results were not the highest), that I told God, "His wanting this for me--my call in life--isn't enough anymore". How dare I? When did this suddenly become something about me? Where was the grateful attitude from when I was first accepted at GW? Or as I went through the highs and lows of 1st year?

somewhere, in the midst of learning, of attempting to deal with the outside stresses on my own, i lost sight of God in my life. or at least where He is when I feel as if the world is ending every day. there's the whole situation that happened in march, and dealing with the upset associated with that (I tend to have conversations with myself of how I would react should we ever encounter in life again--it always end with me being awesome and him regretting his actions, lol) and then the whole finances. You know, it's so funny how trust comes easily when things are great...like waking up and finding breakfast ready, or getting a promotion due to grace, or having things work because well that's how it just was planned to happen versus going through struggles every now and then...

i remember complaining (unfortunately!) to God about how something always has to happen when I'm studying for an important exam. I was like, "God, why me? Why now? Why this?" Truth is...I don't know what other people are dealing with and God never promised life would be without its struggles. And when is a convenient time for struggles? There isn't. They come when God allows them to. And obviously it's because He wants me to learn something...about Him...about our relationship. One thing I just have to realize is that my relationship with God is growing...there's no stopping, no pausing, no endpoint. And as 1 Cor 10:13 says, He's not going to let me be pushed beyond my limit. Ever. Because He is love and is faithful.

so i'm starting this week with a new perspective, starting today. This isn't about me. It includes me, my life, my future but that's not where it stops. I'm a player in the game, running the race...the goal is not so that I can make it but that my making it brings others along for His glory. There's a bigger picture in all of this and my life is only a piece of it. A crucial piece. And if I give up now, there are many others that'll be affected whom I don't even know.

So to end...yes, God, your wanting this for me, placing it as a call on my life, is enough. Forgive me for making this about me and not allowing your Spirit to show me the big picture..

That verse I never got...

"There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear. So then, love has not been made perfect in anyone who is afraid, because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:18

For the longest I've struggled with the meaning of what this verse was pointing to...and for the longest I thought it spoke of how we should love, are to love. And it wasn't until I was reading an old acquaintance's blog on how she too struggles with the same fears I have in my life that I realize the truth in this verse.

Love is God...there is no fear in God. His perfect love drives out all fear. His perfect love. Not ours. His love is perfect. It died on the cross for us. It renews us everyday and cleanses us to perfection. So we can look like him. Perfect love. What a miracle. What a blessing...

And it's in His love we are to find our true reflections, not what we see or how others see us but how He sees us: whole, complete, fearless. That is who I am in Christ. And it's having faith that in His love we have freedom do we truly live free. Because the price for freedom in Christ was paid on the cross...

Praise be to Yeshua...

What did He say?

I'm moving out from where I currently live right now...in the midst of studying for finals. Had a friend, A, come over to help me do some packing and such. We ended up talking about what's been going on in our lives and did we talk! We're going through similar struggles and it's crazy how God allows similar things to happen in our lives. Different situations, same lesson.

marking the date

Lesson learned in 2011:

He's not worth it.

I am.

I still am.

His lost.

Lesson learned: never give something valuable to someone who's not ready to appreciate it.

April 17, 2011: Goodbye, R. He's going to need divine intervention to get me to change my mind. All of this is said of course with no resentment. I'm angry at...the situation...I was merely following what I wanted. And now, I'm learning my lesson. This day marks growth...

I don't deserve inconsistency.

Lame excuses.

No follow-up.

I never asked for a relationship.

Just the truth.

And I guess I got it, the non-verbal way.

So much to do, I don't have time for this. And even if I do, I'm not making time for it anymore...

Signed,
A growing, wiser me

Clearer heart, focused mind

It's about 68 degrees now in South Florida...and it's almost 4 am. I've fallen asleep a couple of times and woken up to pots to wash and a kitchen to clean up. My one brother who works is MIA...not sure of where he went. I faintly remember him coming back inside and then me getting up and telling him something...but now he's back. Safe and sound. My too imaginative mind had thoughts of him kidnapped and stuffed somewhere. Thank the heavens 99% of my thoughts don't become real worries.

Christmas was interesting. I didn't go to church...I stayed home with my mom. I did pray and thanked God for His gifts and blessings in my life. This year He protected me from making a huge mistake. And knowing myself it was something that would've taken me a while to forgive myself. I remember being upset with God but later "growing up" and just looking at the situation the way He wanted me to...and sure enough, over time, I let go of something that could have seriously affected our relationship...but looking back now, I think it's time I let it go. I tried doing it my own and cutting it cold turkey but learned again that I had to let myself be ready in order to truly let go. And it was a gradual process...but looking back now, I think now I'm ready. And that's what matters.

The next few days will consist of planning for the next 6 months...sort of. I take Step 1 on June 15th, God-willing. I plan to start studying in January. I will also be using FirstAid more along with my classes now that I'll have one exam for all 3 classes. Yay. This is going to be interesting.

Okay enough with the boring school talk; onto more interesting news. So found out that my parents dated for like 9 years before they eventually got married. My mom was 14 and my dad 17! Eh--not sure how I feel about that. I learned a lot to say the least this past Christmas...

I'm still on the road less traveled and quite honestly I don't mind it. This year has been tumultuous, with the many disasters in my homeland Haiti and personal storms that I've been through. I'm learning slowly how to allow myself to be human and a godly woman at the same time. It's hard. But I have the best person on my side so if He knows I can do it, then I can do it. Period.

(sorry this was just blah-blah-blah; this was written over 2+ hrs of me dividing my time between writing and getting ready for bed, lol)

Another heartache?

My, my, how time flies! I'm almost done with the first semester of second year! I found my groove, as my cousin says, because this time around I'm actually happier most of the time. There have been some ups and downs but I've been able to see the sun with God's help. I've had to make some adjustments, allow a little more leg room, pulled back from some people and tried my best to give DC a second chance. I live in a house now, with 2 other roommates...commute is still a little long but I like it. Classes are tough but not ridiculous...the amount of material is tough. I have a little interesting story to tell...

After I got back from Haiti (a whole 'nother entry), I managed to gather my belongings and move out of my old apartment. In the meantime, I reconnected with someone I haven't seen or heard from in years. I'll call him the Difficult One or D for short. Now, I friended D on facebook because it's been a while and it'd be nice to see what was new in the gap in time. (And I also thought he was cute, lol). So D and started chatting at first, sort of, and then we exchanged numbers and it quickly got ridiculous. I remember spending 5 hrs on the phone with him, talking about who knows what. But I was soooo excited because for once in a while, I met someone who was 1) single and 2) very interesting. I mean what could go wrong, right? In the back in my mind...I knew something had to be up because...well...that's just how life is. It never really is perfect. Come to find out D was in a "complicated" situation. So complicated, I should've just ran the other way. But no, I thought to myself, "What about how I feel?" My feelings got the best of me...and what should've ended in a week, ended almost 3 months later. Why? I'll let you know...

So in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth--no, lol, well that did happen but that's not where I'm going. :-) Ok, seriously, in the beginning he was really nice and sweet...he was a bit more open with his feelings and I was a little hesitant because well, a lot of guys I'm used aren't really ok with expressing how they feel. But then...he started calling me "his girl"...which I wasn't. No one asked me out...and I wasn't going to "assume" I was in a relationship. Since we over 2,000 miles apart, the next question was when would I come to visit...I wanted to but then I know I couldn't. His situation was very complicated...and once I told him I couldn't come and I didn't want to come...things began to change. He stopped calling as often...stopped calling me his girl...said things were "my call"...and started assuming more things and was beginning to show his true colors, I guess. Deep down I know there's a sensitive, loving man but what I was experiencing was beyond "loving"...

Well tonight (this morning), I told him...I told him that we shouldn't talk anymore. I get it that I'm a difficult person but I'm willing to compromise...if I'm wrong let me know...but don't always hold it against me. That's not how one truly cares. And when I try to point out the WRONG things about the "relationship", my comments are basically ignored. It hurts and gets me upset at the same time. But it's over. Mentally. Emotionally, it'll take some time for my heart to catch up. Because I was willing to jump on a plane and fly over 2k miles for a guy who's not even mine. See the absolutely ludicrousness of the situation?

Man, I was hoping that I wouldn't have another heartache this year...and it all happened so quickly; and knowing him, we'll never talk again. And it's that truth that hurts the most...

What I wanted

It's interesting how things change over a span of time...the things I wanted, worked hard for, fell in love with, fell out of love with, cared for, thought about, did...some things I still love, still work hard for, still want...after all this time. Other things come and go. Makes me question myself. How much did I really want that pair of shoes? How much did I care about that random conversation? How much did I really love him?

Tonight my two childhood bestfriends confided in me that they always thought I would end up with my ex again. After I told them that he recently got engaged. I thought nothing of it and actually hoped this was it for him--that he was finally happy and at peace.

It's late. I need get back to the life that doesn't wait for me to catch up. But before I go, I have to say, just got back from a Chrisette Michele concert. It was absolutely amazing! She sings great live and adds in the sugar, spice and spunk to make it all work! Glad I went and enjoyed myself.

Now again, back to life.

I wonder what that looks like anymore...