Subtle changes

Time has a funny way of just passing away. When you're having fun. When you're with family you haven't seen in a while. When you're happy. When things are going right.

And ticks by so slowly when things go wrong. When you're sad. When you're surrounded by one catastrophe after another.

That was my life. Both then and now. A year ago this time, I was piecing myself together, attempting to move on with my life. It worked. I moved on, tried new things, met new people and was able to find a me I never thought existed. I was falling in love with God, with myself all over. It was like being reborn. And with God, being reborn required a stripping of everything that was in the way, to get to the root of the problem.

The root of the problem. What 25-year history it had.

But I did find it. 

I didn't love myself. At least not enough to wait for what I deserved. That lead to a series of bad decisions...but that's over now...right?

I don't know when it began, not sure of where it started, or if the process is continuing but in the midst of all of this, some part of me changed. Maybe the cut was so deep that it muted the healing process--I'm here today and I know I've changed. I'm not bitter. Not cynical. Not angry. Not desperate. Not seeing the glass half-empty.

I'm happier, at peace with who He's made me, hopeful---but I've changed. Some part of me when to sleep. My heart has been put to a slumber. And it's going to take my Adam to wake me up.

I can't seem to shake that one truth off, that I'm not as naive as I was a year ago. 

These subtle changes that take me by surprise.

Time really does heal. I just never realized in healing, I would change.

Surrendering my will

On this day of your life, Jeffanne, we believe God wants you to know ... that as you surrender to divine providence in your life, you will feel lifted and carried and held.

All is well, all is well, all is well.

 

Now for the story behind this. In the past couple of months, it's been a struggle figuring what field in medicine I wanted to go into. In my head, I wanted to do one thing but in my heart I wanted to do something else. Looking back even further, it seems as if the question was already answered--I just needed to see it. From my fascination as child as I dissected lizards in our yard, to the thrill of doing it again (officially) in high school (we dissected a pig) and in medical school, well--cadavers didn't turn out to be that fun--but I knew at least then cutting was a thing for me. During my third year, though, I gave myself a chance to want to do something else every time I started a new rotation. Because in my mind, since I didn't look like a surgeon or I act like one, I could surely find something else to do. And really, what business did I have wanting to be a surgeon?

 

And that was exactly it. It wasn't that I wanted to be your typical surgeon. I wanted to do surgery. After spending six grueling weeks on the trauma team (the busiest surgery service at my institution), I figured I would be so traumatized (no pun intended) that I wouldn't want to do it. But no, the struggles I endured were not because of surgery itself. It was mostly the character-building sessions during rounds and in the OR. It wasn't the hours, it wasn't the lack of sleep, it wasn't the OR and it wasn't the patients, residents or attendings. It was me. I had difficulty accepting that at the end of the day, I was born to be a surgeon. That it was my calling. Whether I looked, talked, or walked the part. So after, waiting for my clerkship grade, talking to my attendings and a resident, I decided to accept the calling--on my own agenda. Did I know I wanted to do things on my own agenda? No, not consciously at least.

 

So that's where I found myself in the past couple of days. A nagging feeling, an unsettling in my spirit that's been there for a few weeks. And I haven't been able to put my finger on it until this past weekend. I found myself unable to sleep or stay focused on what I needed to do. I thought it was because my mom was leaving, and the fact that I needed to tell a friend we couldn't be spiritual partners anymore and even the fact that I finished a really good book series (Hunger Games). But no, none of these. The past listed things only made things more frustrating. So today, as I headed to work, I just knew that I wasn't going to work. I needed to sit and settle things out with God. Or else I wouldn't sleep. 

What a moment it was--the frustration, the fears, the tears, the struggle to relinquish it all--and then I was spent. And He told me one thing I needed to do: surrender my will. To surrender my agenda, how I wanted things to play, where I wanted to go, how I wanted to do this. Because He wasn't going to answer all the questions at once. Oh how foolish I can be. But with faith and honest trust (I have no other option but to), I surrendered my own agenda. And accepted God's agenda. The one that all the details aren't revealed yet and in my mind, the one that might mean I remain single. Set apart for Him. With no family of my own. No home to share. No offspring. An empty home. And ladies and gentlemen, that was the hardest part--saying yes to God and no to myself: "So today, I surrender my will to you. Whatever fears, indecisions, hurts, losses or whatever else may be hindering me from my calling, I surrender to you. Provide grace, mercy, peace and godly drive to finish this race, for the will You've called me to."

So you can only imagine, after being reminded 5x about knowing my calling, remembering who's in control, I have no other choice but to follow Christ. When I was 13 I said yes to Him, knowing that if He came a minute after I was reborn, my mother wouldn't be in heaven with me. And then, that was the most painful part of it. Losing my mother forever scared the life out of me. But still, at 13, I trusted that God knew what He was doing in my life. Now at 25, I'm doing it all again. This time it's my heart. I'm saying yes to God, knowing that there might be a chance I will remain unmarried for the rest of my life. Fortunately, the yes from when I was 13 still stands. I committed my life to Him then, and I am doing it now. Not for me. But for Him. For the people He will reach through me.

I accept my calling and surrender my own agenda, my will, my everything, for God's.

In truth, we are never alone

Too often, I find myself running a million different lists in my head. I start one thing here, and finish another, and feel ineffective because I have so much going on. Do I need to have a lot going on? No, I don't. But left to myself, I will find something, anything to do. So what to do, right? Well, I'm learning to focus on one major task at a time. Small things to do will always be around but major tasks will be managed differently.


Anyways, point of this post was to comment on a movie I just saw: "The Secret World of Arrietty". Now, now, now before you start asking why am I going to see an animation, you must know one very important hobby of mine: I love Japanese anime. I always have. Since the first time I encountered Dragonball Z series and Sailormoon to Full Metal Alchemist---I'm a secretly huge fan. In my heart, course. So back to the movie--very beautiful animation and depiction of friendship, in truest, purest and most innocent form. I really wonder these days where has the innocence in friendship gone? Especially in relationships between men and women. Who knows. This movie taught me that we are truly never alone. Not for one second. And that we can be the change we want to see...even if it means taking risk and being the "first" one to break the tradition.


A quote I thought was really beautiful: "My heart is stronger now because you're in it. Forever." -Shawn (Arrietty's newfound friend) Shawn had some type of heart problem in the movie and was resting for a couple of days before his surgery. Well, the day before the surgery, Arrietty says her final goodbye, telling him she hopes he never forgets her. And that was his response. Beautiful, isn't it?


As for the rest of life, I'm taking it slowly. Some days are good, others--great. I don't think I need to understand fully why certain things happen in life; I just need to trust God and trust that Him valuing me is enough. And that little part of my heart that is secretly believing in true love needs to be given a chance. Hence, the past needs to be let go. I don't know who God has chosen for me but I'm believing that he's worth it. Worth the wait. And that he'll also understand.

The beauty of life is...

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, 

we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So 

that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear,

or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love."

-Jennifer Edwards

Today is leap day! LEAP!!!! Making this year, a leap year. But sadly, that hasn't been how things seem to be lately. I want to say that there's a lot going on--and I'm sure there is--but I tend to over-think, exaggerate, and stretch things beyond how and what they need to be. To make myself clear, I'll share a snippet of my journal entry from 2 am this morning:

"[To my husband] I've found myself crying because of this indescribable pain that won't go away. It's as if I have a scar on my spirit and someone took a knife and cut a fresh wound on the same scar. I know I'm not making sense now, but if you ask, I'll try to explain it better. I think it's because the time is nearing to when it all happened (losing my innocence). I've been plagued with the aftermath since then. I think my body is releasing through tears, the pain, stress, and negativity that came along with it. For now, I'm in pain. I don't how to let go. I don't know to stop crying. I just don't know.*sigh*"

For a long time, I've struggled with self-forgiveness and acceptance. I had a good childhood, that had its bad moments, and I've practically recovered from that. Last year however, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Even with the right intentions, I was rejected in a way I've never been rejected before. There were the months of anger, hurt, and pain but I've since forgiven the person. The anger has dissipated. The hurt and pain felt less. I've learned my lesson, brushed myself off, and stood up again. I guess one thing I didn't quite do was completely forgive myself and accept myself as human. I set these overly superhuman expectations that won't be achieved unless God is providing the strength. And when I fail, because I do fail, I take a hard hit. 

So now that the dust has settled, I have a trouble looking at myself in the mirror. Like truly seeing myself. Not through a broken glass, or with shades on, or cringing to not see my true self. It's easy to see "mistake" written all over myself...and not see that when God sees me, He sees true beauty and perfection, cleansed daily by His love. But what my friend and cousin told me is true, how much more do I deserve to forgive myself? I'm human. God didn't create me nor has a plan for my life knowing that I wouldn't make any mistakes. Yet somehow, I don't want to see that. It's as if I'm telling myself, I deserve this kind of suffering. Lord knows I don't. But here's the poem I wrote to get it all out, what I thought/think is going on:

...

Thoughts are racing and

Jumble when they collide

I can't seem to find the words

Because it all happened too soon

Waves of questions

Memories cloud my thinking

And I see the broken glass again

My hands are bleeding

But it's really my heart crying

My spirit weeping

The scar is swelling and the wound

Is all too fresh

I wish I could find the words

I wish I could pray it all away

But sometimes, words are lost

I just can't seem to let God know

That the pain of yesterday is haunting me

Again

My body is telling me it's uncomfortable

My spirit is begging for freedom

As tears slowly pave a wet road

Down cheeks that frequently smile

Maybe it's another pause in my life

Maybe it's supposed to hurt

But when will it end?

How do I put a face to the loss

A face to losing me?

I think what I need to do now is let the past go, let my mistakes go, learn, live and let live. Period. So I can find true beauty in life. It's too short to keep looking back. So now, I'll be taking it one day at a time. Releasing the negative and taking in the positive. Taking the "now" step so that the "tomorrow" step can be a step of progress, wisdom, understanding and love. Here's to a healing, growing and more wiser me.

"Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come.
Looking deeply at life as it is.
In the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late.
Death comes unexpectedly.
How can we bargain with it?
The sage calls a person who knows how to dwell in mindfulness night and day,
'one who knows the better way to live alone.' "
Bhaddekaratta Sutta

p.s. Mr.no-show went AWOL.

p.p.s. On to the next one.

Last night, oh last night...

How do I manage to get myself in sticky situations? I'm not 100% sure. But I do. These past three weeks it's sort of become a ritual to have dinner with the same group of friends every Friday. How did it start? Well here's the story: 

My friend Wen (keeping it anonymous) and I haven't seen each other since last year, prior to the end of my surgery clerkship. So it made sense to meet up with her and everyone else. What I didn't learn until later is that Wen was also planning on setting me up with her boyfriend's friend. Now mind you, this year I also decided to commit my "love" life to God...keep that in mind. Anyways, I met up with Wen, her boyfriend and a couple we both knew with random guy #1. Let's call him Teq. Teq was really nice but we didn't really click. He was also eastern european...I'm not 100% sure those guys are into my kind of women. But I didn't realize this until the next day that Teq wasn't the guy I was "supposed" to meet. Fast-forward to the week after that. Wen had dinner at her house this time. Same group with a few extra people. We laughed, ate dinner and had a lot of fun. Mr.-no-show was again a no-show. I told Wen that no more...because what she didn't know is that I spend the whole week prepping myself for the "match-up". And let me mention, it's also because I have a dating anxiety or "phobia" is my friend calls it. Interesting. I know. Now moving on with the story. This past Friday, I got off of work, with no plans for the night, when Wen's boyfriend invites me to join Wen, him, and a group of other people for dinner. I had my reservations about going (it's Friday, I need to study, or sleep) but I went anyway because I'm young, it's Friday and it's guaranteed good times with friends. So I went out, we had a happy hour at this Mexican restaurant--funny thing too because I was craving a margarita. Well after 2.5 drinks, and freezing outside, we went inside the restaurant and guessed who showed up about 20 minutes later? Mr.No-show! There he was in flesh and blood! I was not having it though, lol, so I kept my cool, said hello and continued the conversation with Wen. But, Mr.-no-show was smart and started up the conversation with me by commenting on my anime wallpaper on my phone and then that's how it all started. We spoke for the rest of the night about every topic ranging from family, work, to Haiti, guys, girls, ect. It was refreshing to meet someone who's first question was not "So you're from Haiti....how's that like?" He had genuinely seemed interested. At least it seemed like it.

We ended up having brunch the next morning...and that was nice too. He gave me a hug and his number before I left for home. The downside of this was that my wonderful period came that morning. So I'm sure I looked pretty uncomfortable during brunch.

So now, where will this go? I'm not 100% sure. But I hope it goes somewhere where God is glorified. I met him in circumstances where my guard was down...that's the only way I was comfortable enough to give him a chance...