Halfway pothole

It's Thanksgiving and this year I decided to stay in DC.  No point in buying two tickets to go anywhere, especially now that I'm cabbing myself to work these days.   I can't afford more than that.  So back to the point here: this morning, I woke up but didn't quite want to get out of bed.  I was stressing over my feeling of inadequacy on my surgery rotation right now.  Although it all started well, I was content, learning, not distraught, really doing my best to find my groove.  Well, this past week, I started out with a new team and it was rough. I felt inadequate, deficient, lacking and not improving.  Monday was busy; two traumas, clinic and then afternoon rounds.  It was ridiculous.  And, I told God, yet again, that I don't think I can do this anymore.

So, I'm here to decipher exactly when and where this occurred.  Because the main issue that I've seen when this has happened before is when I've lost perspective.  Last time this happened was when I was studying for the boards.  That was a miserable moment in my life.  Now again, that perspective seems to have disappeared.  Or gone missing.  Whichever one it is, it's still not in my view.  This academic year has been tough...six months of in-patient medicine wears you down...especially if the end is 6 wks of general surgery...on the trauma team.  But it's a choice I made.  I chose to be on the trauma team.  I chose to do the alternative curriculum.  Or at least I'd like to think I did.  My mind can understand why I need to be pushed harder and harder, but my spirit--my spirit is faltering behind.  I remember back on my peds rotation, one of my prayer angels told me this: "Just wanted to share Joshua 1:9 with you ('Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go.') Everything is going to be fine. Don't lose sight of Him or of the goal. There are no mistakes; you are where you are supposed to be."  Did I lose sight of the goal?  Of Him?  Or both?  I've never prayed so much during a rotation before...and since I've been on surgery, I've prayed every day--most days, without fail.

And now, what do I call this, where I am now, what do I call it? I cannot do this on my own.  I haven't been doing it on my own either.  God has been the one holding me up; I am too self-critical to be able to deal with work, school and myself all at the same time.  I feel like I've been hitting a ceiling, that won't budge.   Is this the halfway pothole?  Who's going to push my car out?  Am I supposed to get out now?  Or is there more beating up that needs to be done?  So many questions...no real answer.  I really don't like not liking going to work.  And this is where I am now.  I'm more confused as to what I need to do with my life.  More lost.  Still trying to find my way.  I'm slow and not as efficient as I'm trying my best to be.  I guess I really do need to take it one day at a time and develop a system that works for me.  Need to stop pushing myself beyond what I can handle, not focus on others and compare but focus on where I was to where I am now.  I am my own standard.

To end, I will review what I've learned in these past 3 weeks and do my best to start working on a system that will work for me.  First and foremost, I will keep God first. No matter how long the day is, or how hard it's been, my goal is to keep Him first. In everything.

"Success means having the courage, the determination and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be." -George Sheehan

^"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky..." (Philippians 2:13-15)

When trying fails

My dad's in the US for the next month and a half and since then, has tried to call me almost every day to see how I'm doing. Now, after living under his roof for 15 years, and being under his care for longer, anyone would appreciate that kind of attention. Anyone but me. See, I know my father. And over the years, I have learned to appreciate the memories I've had of him growing up. Prior to me learning of the truth of everything, prior to losing my childhood innocence. It's taken a while...years even to learn to accept him for him. And by doing so, I've been able to see him differently, see him like he's a child...who's never fully learned his way in life.

There are times he upsets me because of the things he says to me, my mom and my brothers. He doesn't understand things and doesn't make an effort to. His words are harsh and his "care" is attached to something else. Ulterior motives always exist. And trust me, I've tried. I've tried trying to believe that maybe, for once, my dad would care beyond the basics. To this day, every time I've spoken to him, I get asked the same questions: "When are you going to be done? When will you start getting paid? What are you doing now? I'll probably die before you're done..." Yes and never mind the questions that really matter: "How are you getting to your clinical sites? Are you sleeping/eating? What's the most challenging thing for you now? Do you need anything? How's your living situation now? Is it better?" ect. Nothing is asked that truly matters. Nothing. Never once has my dad said "I'm proud of you, I support you, I care for you, if you need anything let me know". What he does do though is brag to his friends...and says how proud he is of us/me. Who cares. Not that it matters anymore these days. He's disappointed me enough for me to not expect much.

And I know, I'm guilty also of not caring. It's the human side of me. I've gotten over my dad. I've gotten over the fact that he's not going to be one of those awesome dads that you see in the t.v. commercials who's heart is so big for his kids it brings tears to your eyes. I've gotten over the fact that he probably won't walk me down the aisle. If that's part of the plan for my life. I want my mom to walk me down the aisle. She's invested in so much of who I am today...she deserves to. Despite what tradition may say, or what people expect, I want my mom. I'll never forget what my dad told me when I was 15 and told him I was dating a guy in high school (my first boyfriend): "Are you ready to get pregnant? I'm not ready to have a pregnant teenage daughter." That resonated so much to how much my dad thought of me at that time (even now?). He never knew me. And unfortunately, he'll never know how much of great person I became. I've made my mistakes in life but I turned out fine. And looking back, there are so many places I could've made the wrong turn. But thank God, my journey so far has been incredible...without him.

I've stopped asking why and I've pushed myself to just accept. Because with a wife like my mom is, my dad never appreciated her. How would he know then how to appreciate his own children? And it's only by God's power in my life that I've been able to get this far. I spent so much time hating my dad that I wasted energy and the sense of who I was on someone who clearly was fine with the choices he made in his life.

But I have to say...there have been only few times where I've seen him hurt...like when my aunt (his sister) passed away from pancreatic cancer...and his mom expired...and finally, when his favorite daughter, Christy, passed away from leukemia. Then, I've never seen my father so heartbroken. I guess he can care...to some extent.

My hope isn't to paint my dad in a horrible light...he can be good. He's gotten better. But when he's painfully clueless about the things he says, it's horrible. Like I'll never forget every time he tells me that my younger brother, Chrissan, cannot chose the field I'm in because "he doesn't have the brains for it". Who tells that to his/her kid? And then he wonders why my brother won't pick up when he calls...I know what my brother is going through is difficult. He had no plan and hence couldn't make up his mind in college. That's why it took him so long. I know my brother has the capacity to do anything he wants. He was the smartest kid in his class in high school. He still is smart...but somehow, somewhere that got lost in translation between him and my dad.

I don't know if my dad is trying. And if he is, he's failing. Failing miserably.

Tangled...but not really

Every year around the holidays, you will find most of my family members gathered in one place. And that's pretty hard to do since my parents still live in Haiti; my brothers and I live in different states and the rest of the family is spread out on the east coast. Somehow, we still manage to make it work.

Well when we're all gathered around homemade Haitian hot chocolate or pumpkin soup, when we find time to laugh, there's always that one question that ALWAYS comes up: "So any luck yet?" Bah. Every single time. I even got the boyfriend talk earlier this year by my mom. The one person who was telling me prior to med school it's a good thing to be single now so I can stay "focused". And exactly how does having a boyfriend make you "unfocused". I'm not sure. Some ppl can get distracted but from what I've seen having a significant other in a healthy relationship keeps the person of interest pretty happy and well put together in life. Anyways, back to the matter at hand, so this year something's going to have to change.

Right now, this is the most content I've been this year, thus far. I started out this year in a messy emotional state. My spiritual, emotional and mental selves weren't one. At all. I was a tangled mess of a self. Slowly but surely, He eradicated one by one everyone I needed to drop. It was a painful process. I was angry, hurt, bitter, lost, and ashamed. Most importantly, ashamed. Ashamed of how much I've let myself go...made other people "idols" without even realizing it. And what a sad state that was. I couldn't see myself clearly. I couldn't see Him clearly. And as with stages of growth in my life, everything happened all at once---not hearing from R anymore, moving, issues w/my old roommates, prepping for Step 1, getting through studying for Step 1, dealing with the emotional upset I've suppressed for 3 months, and plunging into 3rd year. And now seeing where I am now...it was a daily removal by God of all--of everything--that was clouding my judgement. My fall was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. I still deal with it. But less of my dealing...there's no way I would've been able to wake up each day without God giving me a reason to...yes it was that bad.

Anyways, months later, I'm in a so much better place. I can see myself. Like truly see myself. Not pretending or coming up with excuses...why should I? He didn't make an excuse when He created me; why shouldn't I just give myself a chance to be me? So this year started out with me tangled in a whole lot of mess but not so much now. There's still a lot of cleaning that needs to be done. And it is getting done, one thing at a time. That's how God works. One issue at a time. It's so nice to wake up these days, knowing that He loves me. A fact that has never changed; yet I didn't allow myself to rest and delve into that reality every moment of my life.

So this year, when my family asks me, as always, "any luck?", I'll let them know this: "Yes, plenty; so much that I'm letting God chose him for me. As of right now, I'm very very content with my life, with or without boyfriend/fiance/husband."