When the going just stops

I’d like to think I’m not where feelings and fancies go to die. But lately it seems to be that way. I’m not going to lie, the whole dating thing is a wash. I deleted the apps in October 2022. I have zero plans of signing up again. I’ve learned that I have tunnel vision and miss potential men because I’m so focused on whatever is in front of me. I also see a pattern of feelings and potentials that die once I’m aware. As if I’m the cause of shit not working out. 

It's ok if it's stops. I am learning and growing. 

It will be fine.

He will come and I will know him when I see him.

Sitting in the dark for a bit

Year 2 of mom's passing is coming up. The last few days have been hard. I'm irritable, sad, hopeless and angry. Angry being the predominant feeling. Apathy is not too far away. At this point, I don't really know who to be more upset with: mom or God. It also doesn't matter which one because it won't change a damn thing. Nothing will change. I always end up right where I started: she's gone. So at this moment, in the darkness and pit of my anger and grief, I just don't care much about anything else...not about freezing my eggs, or buying a house, or meeting someone or anything...life meant something when mom was alive. Now...life is time passing by. 

My reason for wanting her back are selfish. I'm allowed that every now and then.

I do want to scream, and set the world on fire, break every single fucking glass in sight and then find respite on the beach...alone.

The one person in the world I knew loved me died almost two years ago...the one person who's love kept me going. And now here we are. Me, a fucking mess...yay.

so yea. i'll sit in the dark for a bit. suits the color of my spirit right now.

Not knowing what the f**k is going on

It is now April 2023. There was so much planned for this month. I had imagine that for my mom's 70th birthday to take her to Martinique, a trip I had promised her many years ago. But alas. She'll have to be there with me in spirit.

Yesterday (4/10/2023) I was in a funk...still am. Day started off weirdly. Stayed that way the whole day. There were two shootings in Louisville, KY--one a mass shooting done by another angry white guy. I guess when everyone's dead, we will finally get sensible gun laws. I digress. I also found out about instant dates. Which I think is an asshole trend. So at these dates, if one party doesn't like how the other party looks/acts/ect, they just ghost them...as in sees them, decide they won't to be on the date anymore, and leave.  From a woman's perspective, it's a little dicey because some men can react violently if rejected so yea. There's been so much cruelty, hate, and pure evil it seems that's been overwhelming...I think I may have to take another social media break. Because I really don't understand wtf is going on.

The whole instant date trend just me feel very disappointed. Like why be cruel? It reminded me of Mother's Day 2021. Last one with mom. And how inconsiderate my father was. He could've taken my mom out for brunch or lunch...or something. Instead he gave her a list of things he wanted to have that Sunday for lunch. Didn't even get her flowers. Inconsiderate. Unkind. Thoughtless. A space of no love. I don't want that. I don't want that in any of my relationships--at least not the ones I hold dear to my heart.

Navigating through the marsh

Well. 

I'm learning that I'm learning. Offering myself the grace that I need and deserve. Sitting with the uncomfortable. Letting go of the toxic habits. And the men. Honestly, I’m letting go of all of it. I deleted the Google Voice app. Deleted the numbers. Devising a strategy to not place myself in tempting situations. And learning to walk way from situations where I am not loved or kept safe.

being in the present sometimes feels like standing in the middle. Neither in the past nor the future. but standing still. not because I necessarily want to but because the past at times is still haunting and painful and the future is...unrealistic. The reality is though little by little time is moving whether I want to move forward or not. I guess this is what acceptance looks like. or at least the beginning of it.

i miss the protection and safety of my mom's love. maybe i wasn't paying attention to anyone else. but it was the one love where i didn't have to be anyone else but me, i wasn't asked to be anyone else but me, and i lived.

Heart Talk

That is the title of the book I am reading now. Hello. It's 2023. I welcomed the new year with my cousin Fabrice and his family in Atlanta. It was nice. Just a small group of us. We caught up, laughed, ate, cooked together and enjoyed quality time as we brought the new year in and kept it low key. I am grateful.

The last year ended with me exhausted. It was rough. I learned that I was indeed doing too much in the sense that I was carrying too much.

My goal this year and moving forward is to take care of me and focus of nurturing me, who is learning to build a life around my grief. I am diving into shadow work also so I can better understand all aspects of who I am so I can love all of me, and as Cleo Wade says, all of my ingredients.

My 36th birthday is in 2 weeks. God willing, I will be in St. Croix with my cousin celebrating it. I look forward to chapter 36. Chapter 35 thought to shed. It fell apart. I fell apart. Here's to rebuilding.  

I don't care anymore

The last few weeks have been shitty to say the least. I don't know when it began really. I don't know if it was in July when things start to go sour with the one guy in MS I never met up with or after the one year anniversary of mom's passing. Either way, it's been downhill in terms of things "looking up" and I truly feel like this year split. The first half of the year, I had hope things were looking up and yes, manifesting things actually could occur. Now, in December, I don't care anymore..

July and August were meh. September was a wash. I met someone after things between MS guy and I fell apart, like 2 weeks ish later. I was sort of getting over MS guy and then matched with the teacher. He was kind of a surprise but it never felt right. Something was missing. We both were dealing with our own shit but we both craved having someone in our lives so we tried to make it work until it didn't work. Communication issues rose again and had to end it. With both of those guys, I could pinpoint exactly when I knew it was over.

October came along and it was a very emotionally draining. It started out that way too. Very heavy. The entire month was heavy. It felt the same way as my mom had recently died. But Oreste died that month. The dating thing with the teacher ended that month. After we had spent an entire weekend together. I sort of spiraled after than. And then I found out the last day of the month that my landlord needed the space I was living in and I had 30 days to move out (and find a new place). 

Moving in the midst of the holidays, while on call, last minute, was a beast in itself. Thankfully, my realtor and I found a place half way through the month in the same area. More space, single home, etc but pricier. Either way, I was and remain grateful to have found a place and have the budget to be able to afford it. Day I had to move, movers didn't show up (had to cancel because by 4:30pm they were no where to be found and my power was turned off) and I had to get new ones. Missed a whole day of work for nothing. By that point, I had given up. I was at my wit's end. The week before (Thanksgiving week), I was in the ICU, and had worked and operated most days than not and was EXHAUSTED. So the move not going at least well was like "fuck me".

Yesterday, I had a divination session with a trusted spiritual leader because I wanted to start working on shadow work so I can start living life as my authentic self (wanted to do that since October so the session was booked several weeks in advance). All of what she said resonated with me. Some of it pissed me off. Like what my mom was telling her to tell me. "Just because I'm gone, doesn't mean you stop living your life." Like no shit, Sherlock. The one thing that *absolutely* threw over the edge was her telling me to start dating again. *insert rage emoji here* Like I didn't try. *eye roll* Here I am doing my best to build a life around the most traumatic thing that's happened to me to date and my DEAD MOTHER is asking me TO DATE. MEN. LITERALLY THE MOST INEPT FUCKING BEINGS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET.

Can you tell how upset I am right now?

If you can see this, Mother, my well-being is more important than being with someone right now. Being whole is more important. Working through the traumatic shit is more important. My happiness isn't tied to someone or something. It's working through the broken pieces. It's inside of me. It's learning to be happy with me. EVEN IF right now, I am not choosing that. Right now, I am choosing anger. So fuck off with "please date". Dating is fucking exhausting, the dating pool is trash, and I AM NOT TRYING ANYMORE.

So. I give up. I do not care any more. Fuck this life. Fuck hope. Fuck everything. Fuck this shit. See you in 2023.

If I make it. And if I don't, *shrugs*.

Grief is a mind f*ck

Maybe I’m being impatient. Or maybe it’s just how grief goes. This past week I took some time off to visit friends in New Mexico. It was nice, very laid back, and good to see and catch up with friends from college and residency. A lot changed—most for the better. In the time I was able to let mind rest, it wandered to what I’ve lost this past year, and at the forefront was my mom.

At the airport, I could sense the sadness creeping in and while on the plane, the tears started to flow. I got upset all over again…this time with more pointed questions. But the questions came from a space of pain. A lot of grief for me is sitting with the uncomfortable pain. The pain knowing that the person you're missing will never come back. My questions were "Why her? Why then? Why so sudden? Why the ONE PERSON WHO GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ME GOD?" The last question stems from being loved in a way I will never experience again. My mom loved me. Her love was safe, kind, gentle, forgiving and generous. It was a great mother's love. For someone like me who struggles with loving and being loved, my mother's love was my haven. And now, it feels like it's gone. 

Emotions and thoughts are so fleeting and at times deceiving. The first week of October has been an emotional rollercoaster of heaviness....missing mom, remembering the loss of my uncle, remembering the last time I saw Mme Poupoutte (mom's bestie--died of panc cancer earlier this year), losing Oreste (very close family friend, father like figure to me), and my aunt (my fave one on my Dad's side died of panc cancer this month too). Like A LOT. Why is it all heavier this year? I have no idea. But it. And working through the grief is a mindfuck and it's just hard some days. 

So. God. Universe. Ancestors. Please help me. I feel like I am drowning. This week was a lot. I do not want to be strong, resilient, courageous--none of that shit. Where is my haven? The safe space? The still waters? The green pastures? The respite?

I need to use that sage and cleanse myself too...but I want to do it properly.

May stillness, softness, rest, and encouragement find me soon.