Choosing me

 I ended things with the guy. He became inconsistent and "busy". I gave him a chance to correct after pointing it out but it went right back to the poor communication and inconsistency. As nice as he seemed and was, it also didn't mean that he was allowed to take up space in my life if he wasn't coming correct. I'm sad. Not devastated but sad. He was nice. I really wanted it to work out. I got no indication that he was bad for me. But maybe this was to teach me to fight for someone better and to not settle. He wasn't great; he was...good. It was a cordial ending. I'm grateful for grace that was in the space of saying goodbye.

Tomorrow makes a year since Mom died and I'm ok. Just okay.

*sigh*

At the end of the day, I chose me. Because I know what I deserved and he wasn't it.

I'm also loving me where I'm at. Not where I want to be. I'm loving me now.

Grief

Grief just is…sometimes.

I’m doing all the things: journaling, therapy-ing, working, spending time with folks who don’t sap my energy, clearing my space…

Then I have days like today where I just burst into tears thinking about you, Mom. And I ask God why. What did I do wrong to deserve you leaving us—me—so soon.

8/8/2022 makes it a year since we last spoke. Since I last heard your voice while you were alive. It feels like forever and yesterday all at once.

And while this past weekend I had a beautiful reading (thank you, thank you again by the way), nothing changes the fact that you’re gone. My happiest days are less because you’re not here. My worst days are even harder because you’re not here.

I thought I found a glimpse of happiness...but I spoke too soon 😅. It’s ok. Life is about learning on the journey…and it’s not necessarily about the destination. I have surrendered and finding a partner is no longer my responsibility. I have told God and the Universe what kind of partner I want—THEY know. They also know who I need to be with. So I will wait and continue to live my life to the fullest.

Some days are good, other days not so much. But therapy is teaching me that grief has ups and downs. Things will never be the same…the heaviness just lightens up some.

Saturday 8/13/22 will make it a year. And what a crazy year it’s been.

Love you always, Mom.

Exposure

Exposed.

I am exposed

It's a twisting and turning of the heart

It's the wondering "Is this happening again? He appeared so promising"

Familiar fears creep up around me, inside me

As I am exposed yet again

To an uncomfortable position

Do I stay? Do I ask more questions?

Does any of the answers make sense?

This reminds of X and it's making me go down the rabbit hole

But

Do I have to go down the rabbit hole?

Part of growing and healing

Is realizing that I don't have to do that anymore

I can let go

Of the feelings

Of the thoughts

Of him.

Even if it hurts.

Maybe that's why Spirit is silent

I am not sure of how to navigate this space

What I do know is that I refuse to sacrifice my sanity for someone

Who doesn't want to be with me enough

Enough.