Dear Mom

 Dear Mom,

As the days go on, and the holiday season is upon us, I’m still lost over your death. It’s still unreal. It still breaks my heart. I wish you were here. We all do but I’m going to be selfish and say I miss you the most. I wish we had more time together. I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you…the ways I knew and didn’t know. Christmas is going to be hard. My first birthday without you is going to be hard. Some days I wake up and think it’s all a bad dream…but like Covid that’s not going anywhere (le sigh), you’re still gone. It’s been over 3 months since you’ve been gone. Some days I’m ok, and other days, like Sundays, I’m in shambles. No one has and no one ever will love me like you loved me. I’m just realizing as much as other people talked my weight…you never brought it up. Ever. Maybe you were happy with me just being alive and healthy. How you married someone like dad…I’ll never understand. Y’all were complete opposites. My therapist told me to start writing you letters…so here I am. I know you’re good and happy and loved. As much as I want you here, I know where you are is much better for you. I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll do my best to make you proud with the time I have left here on earth.

I love you. 

Fafoune

In case anyone forgot

It’s an empty space

An empty place

When the noise is gone

And I’m all alone

I hear your voice 

I see your smile

But the pain of losing you is overwhelming

Suffocates me at times

The deluge starts all over again

(I don’t think it ever stopped)

And I’m back to square none

Death too soon

A punishment, a release

My grief

My prison

My burden to bear

My valley, my own personal hell

Dreams

Last night I dreamt that I was on the phone with my mother. We were talking about random things and then I looked at how long we were talking. The screen said 42 mins. I started crying uncontrollably in my dream because it was at the same time I realized that my mom was gone. 

My sadness penetrates my dreams. Even when I see her or talk to her, I don't know why I keep reminding myself she is gone. 

It'll be 3 months in 2 days. It hurts just as much as it did on day 1.

To be brave

to be brave 

to be vulnerable

to be strong

what the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

i live in a space where lumps form in my throat

and i tell myself keep it in

"this isn't the right place or time to cry"

the sun's warmth is non-existent

a throbbing pain in my chest is the norm

living is really dying, every day

two realities exist, a genuine smile

and a permanent brokenness

dark and light co-existing in a way i didn't think possible

a place where God/Yahweh/Love Divine exists too, i'm learning

it's still a sh*t place

it's no where anyone chooses to be

but here we are

here i am

time 

the only part of this that never stops

time dulls the pain

but nothing takes the pain away

what is grief?

love. love that perseveres. 

it’s what reminds me every day:

the depth of my grief is the depth of my love

for her

oh, to be brave

Living an impossible life

The last few weeks have been what seems to be a nightmare. And it's been easy to only focus on the negative...because that's what's been dominating my life right now.

I remember when I was younger and thought about life without my mom...I would stop myself very quickly because it just seemed...impossible. Mom was supposed to be eternal, in my very naïve mind. Moms never died right?

As an adult, I didn't think about mom dying either because...she was always supposed to be here. Even last year when she had to go to the hospital because of a stroke, I was comforted by the fact that we could take her to the hospital and do as much as possible (as much as she wanted) and keep her around. It initially terrified me because it was the closest I got to losing my mom. But the more I spoke to her, the more I was able to be at peace because she was improving.

She looked happy the last time I saw her for Mother's Day. Like, really happy. Even though I was focused on being pissed because my dad had told her what he wanted to eat for Mother's Day. But, despite all the bullshit, my siblings and I got her flowers, a cake, a card and gifts for Mother's Day. All a surprise...even my being there. My last memory of her was of her smiling.

Today was the first time I dreamed about her and I was angry when I realized that it was her...I asked her why she left...and if she (basically) got what she wanted (all assumptions here, but peace, healing, health, and love). I'm such a bitch, right? She looked SOO GOOD. Healthy, vibrant, WELL, happy and at peace. She was also wearing a lot of yellow but honestly, the top she had on was multicolored. She was sad with my reaction--she didn't answer my questions not because she didn't have an answer but because it would make me sad. I selfishly wanted my mom to be around forever. She didn't like going to the hospital and certainly didn't like being sick with this insufferable cough...she also suffered a lot of her life and I think she just got tired.

It is impossible to live without her. At least, that's how it feels. My heart will forever remain broken. At least until we are reunited. I love my mom. And I know that she loved me. And when it's the hardest of days, that's what keeps me going. To know that I loved her and she loved me. She was an incredible woman and suffered too much during her life. She loved well and I wish I could love her enough so that she didn't want more...

I miss her and will forever miss her...because what is grief, if not love persevering? (Got that from Marvel, WandaVision...). I want to be angry but can't because it won't bring mom back. She is in a better place...even if that place does not involve me (because I'm selfish).

I'm off to living an impossible life without my mother.

Things fall apart

On August 13, 2021...at some time in the wee hours of the morning, my mother, Germaine J. Millien, died at home. She died in the arms of a close family friend and in her own fashion, said thank you and that she was leaving before she died.

I received a phone call from my cousin in NY at 4:22 am CST and I immediately assumed this had to do with her or my cousin who has sickle cell. Then my brother spoke up and I immediately knew it was bad. 

My mom and I developed a very special bond the older I got. She exuded grace, kindness, love, forgiveness and patience like no other. Though she shares the same birthday as my dad, they are two completely different human beings. I shared some of my most difficult moments with my mom and even when she didn't understand everything...she'd sympathize either way. She was the best.

My whole world crumbled with my mother's passing...I am and remain devastated. I don't know how I'll make the rest of year, let alone life. She will never get to see me have kids (if I ever have them), never see me get married (if that's in the stars for me), never go on the trip I promised her and many other things. I knew deep, deep down that my mother would die before my dad. I have a strong feeling that she knew her time was short because she wanted to go to Haiti this year, after my last brother who was in Haiti made it to the US. I feel like she was at peace knowing that we had the potential to all do good things since we were all stateside.

I vacillate between feelings of sadness, anger, depression, hope and then back into deep painful emotion that has no words. But it's all grief. I heard the last moments before she passed and it confirmed to me that she knew her time was near. The only consolation was that she was with two people who cared deeply for her. No, it wasn't my dad and I'm glad it wasn't. That's for another post.

No amount of crying, drinking, begging and pleading with God, or "staying strong" will bring my mother back. The grief is terrible. Some days I feel like I can't breathe. Other days, I feel nothing. But the deep pain? It never leaves me. 

I find some peace in believing that she is no longer suffering, that she is free, surrounded by deep love, and at peace. I'm just heartbroken that for that to happen...she would have to no longer be in the physical realm. I miss my mother so much. So very much.

I can't believe we are now planning her funeral.

So this is 34

 New year, no resolutions and same me. Well a growing, changing me.