Embrace change

That's one of the many phrases on the card my friend sent to me after hearing me stress (yet again) about how difficult transitioning to residency is. That was (and continues to be at times) the most difficult part. Embracing being here. Here means I am far away from home (in every essence of the word). Family, friends, city...you name it. Isolated. I initially saw myself in a desert and God is my oasis. Walking alone...but that's changing.

"Take the journey back to yourself." Ha. Funny statement. It's been over 3 months since residency started. I'm finishing up my 2nd rotation. The time is passing quickly, too quickly but too slow at the same time. My first few weeks were scary. I was in the surgical ICU, taking care of extremely ill patients and required to be able to quickly (at times) assess and intervene. My first call I barely slept anxious and nervous about all the million things that could go wrong. I slowly became a teensy bit comfortable with taking call. I made new friends with the ICU nurses. I became close with some of my patients's families---so much so that when the time came to say goodbye, a piece of my heart broke.

"Love with abandon." Continues to be a work in progress. I met someone that I quickly ended things with. The nature of our meeting wasn't the best of circumstance. Then I tried OKCupid. Then eharmony. All the while saying "God, I trust you." Well, I have since removed my profile and allowing God to be God. He created the world with words alone; I'm sure He can bring whoever He has in mind into my life with my crazy schedule. My focus now is to love Him with abandon. Mr. Right will come...when it's time.

"Be positive". I have to be. Daily. I've noticed the moment I allow myself to complain, curse, become caught up with my surroundings, I lose my peace and I invite dissatisfaction in. So I pray every morning. I give it to God. I bless each day and declare that it is great. I truly, truly believe that God can make this very challenging part of the journey enjoyable and pleasant and victorious. I smile and the part that smiles inside is from the joy of the Lord, what He's blessed me with.

"Surprise yourself and to the thing you didn't think you could do." As I'm writing this, tears are forming in my eyes. I wrote about what I'm about to bring up before but this time around I have a testimony. About a year ago---well exactly a year, I was so intoxicated that the next day I woke up still inebriated. Why did I continually drink? I was in pain---still angry at God, still wanted to forget the year "wasted", and to socialize. I made a vow, to stop drinking. Then I started again. On "special" occasions, work events, happy hours until I was right back where I began. Long story short, I overdid it twice again once I started residency. Bad decisions were made. And I just got sick of it. Really sick of it. So I asked God to meet me where I was. And He did. So yes, I'm surprised. I never thought I could enjoy life without alcohol. Because no alkie = no fun. He's surprising me though. Because of His grace, I am able to say no when offered a drink. Every single time. 

And I will end with this one "Share your inner light." Shanelle (my inspirational friend who has a gift of encouragement and inspiration) reminded this past week that I spoke people and I speak heart language. I believe how I am able to connect with and speak to people is a gift from God. Like Mr. S. I'll never forget him or his family. That was something special.

Residency is a beast. But God is a bigger beast and He's my Father, so that absolutely, positively, definitely makes me, Jeffanne, capable to overcome that beast. I will do my part, study, study, study, work hard and live righteously. This is God's will for my life and He has supplied everything I need to be excellent. I just need to embrace the fact and the change and this new journey.

ps. It's starting again...the "everyone is getting married and having babies" trend on FB. So I'm logging on less frequently.
pps. Lilly asked me to be her maid of honor. EEKKKK!! :-)