Embrace change

That's one of the many phrases on the card my friend sent to me after hearing me stress (yet again) about how difficult transitioning to residency is. That was (and continues to be at times) the most difficult part. Embracing being here. Here means I am far away from home (in every essence of the word). Family, friends, city...you name it. Isolated. I initially saw myself in a desert and God is my oasis. Walking alone...but that's changing.

"Take the journey back to yourself." Ha. Funny statement. It's been over 3 months since residency started. I'm finishing up my 2nd rotation. The time is passing quickly, too quickly but too slow at the same time. My first few weeks were scary. I was in the surgical ICU, taking care of extremely ill patients and required to be able to quickly (at times) assess and intervene. My first call I barely slept anxious and nervous about all the million things that could go wrong. I slowly became a teensy bit comfortable with taking call. I made new friends with the ICU nurses. I became close with some of my patients's families---so much so that when the time came to say goodbye, a piece of my heart broke.

"Love with abandon." Continues to be a work in progress. I met someone that I quickly ended things with. The nature of our meeting wasn't the best of circumstance. Then I tried OKCupid. Then eharmony. All the while saying "God, I trust you." Well, I have since removed my profile and allowing God to be God. He created the world with words alone; I'm sure He can bring whoever He has in mind into my life with my crazy schedule. My focus now is to love Him with abandon. Mr. Right will come...when it's time.

"Be positive". I have to be. Daily. I've noticed the moment I allow myself to complain, curse, become caught up with my surroundings, I lose my peace and I invite dissatisfaction in. So I pray every morning. I give it to God. I bless each day and declare that it is great. I truly, truly believe that God can make this very challenging part of the journey enjoyable and pleasant and victorious. I smile and the part that smiles inside is from the joy of the Lord, what He's blessed me with.

"Surprise yourself and to the thing you didn't think you could do." As I'm writing this, tears are forming in my eyes. I wrote about what I'm about to bring up before but this time around I have a testimony. About a year ago---well exactly a year, I was so intoxicated that the next day I woke up still inebriated. Why did I continually drink? I was in pain---still angry at God, still wanted to forget the year "wasted", and to socialize. I made a vow, to stop drinking. Then I started again. On "special" occasions, work events, happy hours until I was right back where I began. Long story short, I overdid it twice again once I started residency. Bad decisions were made. And I just got sick of it. Really sick of it. So I asked God to meet me where I was. And He did. So yes, I'm surprised. I never thought I could enjoy life without alcohol. Because no alkie = no fun. He's surprising me though. Because of His grace, I am able to say no when offered a drink. Every single time. 

And I will end with this one "Share your inner light." Shanelle (my inspirational friend who has a gift of encouragement and inspiration) reminded this past week that I spoke people and I speak heart language. I believe how I am able to connect with and speak to people is a gift from God. Like Mr. S. I'll never forget him or his family. That was something special.

Residency is a beast. But God is a bigger beast and He's my Father, so that absolutely, positively, definitely makes me, Jeffanne, capable to overcome that beast. I will do my part, study, study, study, work hard and live righteously. This is God's will for my life and He has supplied everything I need to be excellent. I just need to embrace the fact and the change and this new journey.

ps. It's starting again...the "everyone is getting married and having babies" trend on FB. So I'm logging on less frequently.
pps. Lilly asked me to be her maid of honor. EEKKKK!! :-)

I get to hold a scalpel

I get to hold a scalpel. This time around, there will be many more opportunities to make the first cut, to ligate, to control bleeding, to suture. I will no longer be mainly an observer but an active learner as well, with the opportunity to have hands-on experience.

God is so faithful! In less than a week, I will start my first year of intern year in general surgery at Ochsner Clinic Foundation. Craziness. I get to legally cut people (ha!). In all truth, the enormity of the opportunity is mind-blowing! I am grateful and look forward...to it?

I've been praying and I've told God that I don't want residency to be just hard---I want to see Him more clearly in all that I do, that this experience is enriching and that despite the challenges,that I learn from Him and that HE is my joy throughout all 5 years and beyond. God, I want residency to be phenomenal; I pray that I don't fall in the trap of complaining, grumbling, or resisting work. And during the most challenging days, remind me of your purpose for my life, provide grace and refreshing strength, empower me to a force to be reckoned with (because of You) but a gentle and humble servant of Yours. You have entrusted me to take care of others ailments and have given me the elite gift to open people's temples and do what must be done. Provide support, mentors and a good church where I'll be able to serve...at some point. I love you and thank you!

So, here's to being all God's called me to be! Cheers!

ps. I get to hold a scalpel and be in the OR again. :-)
pps. My co-interns are pretty darn awesome.

God says: Surprise! Plot twists!!

How did I get this far and lose focus, especially when it came to trusting God? Let me ask the question a different way. What caused me or how did I allow myself to get pushed around by my present circumstances?

Feelings are powerful. Perspective is even more powerful. Dwelling on the wrong forms of both is downright dangerous.

Exactly a month ago, I found out that I matched for a categorical position in general surgery. I checked my email, after having lunch, with a close friend who has been a guardian angel throughout the past year. Matching this year was an incredible feat, considering I had many odds against me. 1) I was already a graduate, 2) I was applying to a competitive field, 3) I didn't have enough interviews and 4) I didn't match the year prior---hence reapplying. But God. The stats were definitely not in my favor. Yet, He matched me. Like He said as Candace was praying for me, I'd go far but it's all part of the plan. So I matched in Ochsner Clinic in New Orleans! And what a surprise that was! I NEVER thought I'd end up there. Talk about a plot twist...I thought far meant Jacksonville, FL because I really wanted to go to Mayo Clinic. I really liked the breast surgeon there. God has other plans.

And my so did my disappointment. Once the excitement died down, I realized how FAR I would be from every single person I cared for...and how indeed I would be starting over from nearly zero. And that realization sort of depressed me. I was grateful for matching, for officially starting training---but a part of me was fighting. Then a cycle of negative thoughts begin, I stopped spending time with God in the mornings, starting keeping myself busy with "work". Every step forward (or so I think) I took, I kept getting so much push back: student loan service issues, ACLS training, getting a car, finding an apartment, ect...all "Jeffie-centered" plans. All important because it involves getting ready for residency however the focus shifted from God to me. Again. And the Holy Spirit was not having it. There was/is an unsettling in my spirit and even my attitude around people I work with was pungent.

Well, this week has been particularly challenging. In the process of car-searching, I found out that my student loans repayment status has been incorrect for several months. Of course, Nelnet (my service provider) won't reveal the real reason of why there was such a huge error on my account. I got off the phone after another 45 minutes conversation that got me no where...

I had no more feelings left except powerlessness. How did I get this far from God? Did I really focus so much on the surface disappointment that I missed out completely (again) on who's in charge? Yes. Yes and yes. Ashamedly so yes. So tonight, it's shower, dinner, blog, pray, sleep. It's Passion week and I'll be fasting tomorrow (Good Friday) until Resurrection Sunday.  And focus on God. Only God. Not my problems, fears, worries, issues or other people's issues either. Just me and God.

Because, I've realized, painfully so, that I truly cannot do anything and cannot be anyone without Him.

"Commit your actions to the Lord,

and your plans will succeed."

 

"We can make our plans,

but the Lord determines our steps."

 

"We may throw the dice,

but the Lord determines how they fall."

Proverbs 16: 3, 9, and 33.

 

But He did leave me with this, in spite of my very type A personality and planner/fixer attitude:

"The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." Exodus 14:14

 

I love God but He happens to love me more. And I commit to focus on Him, even when there are plot twists in the plan. My disappointment will disappear as He continues to reveal His will. My life is not my own; it is for His kingdom and His glory.

 

Be blessed.

Perfect Peace

You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Isaiah 26:3

 

 

This past month and half, I've been studying Isaiah, which happens to be a difficult text to me. There is much history, events, prophecies---and many, many recurring themes: Israelites turn from God, then they are punished, they turn back to God and repent, then do the same things over again. Trickled in there are prophecies of Christ's coming, His birth, His life, and His ultimate sacrifice.

 

 

There are passages that I read, re-read, prayed for understanding and meditated on. One thing that has become evident, the more I read and spend time with God, the more He enlightens me to His truth. When I read Isaiah 26, it finally dawned on me what has kept me sane the past couple of months: God's perfect peace.

 

 

A year ago, this very day, when rank lists were (are) due, I was in Vienna, Austria, fretting over my rank list. None of the schools on my list were right. None of them. I was not at peace. I somehow knew something was wrong. This year, there are excited tears. Peaceful heart. I can  say in total honesty, it is well with my soul. I am head over heels in love with God and the way He loves me. He has allowed me to be broken, the most stubborn, unyielding part of me (my pride) was shattered. So He could build me up to be who He wants me for the future. I trust Him, I trust His plan and His will. This is not an easy place to be in and it surely is not an easy statement to make. I remember perfectly each painful moment of truth and the growth pains. But, I am thankful, because His love never ceases to amaze me.

 

So, my rank list is certified. I checked it tonight. I will not look at it again. There have been many confirmations. I know I won't be "close" to family. I know I will match this year. Praise God!

 

His perfect peace has kept me. My eyes are fixed on Jesus Christ, the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

 

 

I will wait on Him in whose hands and heart rests my soul.