Feelings are powerful. Perspective is even more powerful. Dwelling on the wrong forms of both is downright dangerous.
Exactly a month ago, I found out that I matched for a categorical position in general surgery. I checked my email, after having lunch, with a close friend who has been a guardian angel throughout the past year. Matching this year was an incredible feat, considering I had many odds against me. 1) I was already a graduate, 2) I was applying to a competitive field, 3) I didn't have enough interviews and 4) I didn't match the year prior---hence reapplying. But God. The stats were definitely not in my favor. Yet, He matched me. Like He said as Candace was praying for me, I'd go far but it's all part of the plan. So I matched in Ochsner Clinic in New Orleans! And what a surprise that was! I NEVER thought I'd end up there. Talk about a plot twist...I thought far meant Jacksonville, FL because I really wanted to go to Mayo Clinic. I really liked the breast surgeon there. God has other plans.
And my so did my disappointment. Once the excitement died down, I realized how FAR I would be from every single person I cared for...and how indeed I would be starting over from nearly zero. And that realization sort of depressed me. I was grateful for matching, for officially starting training---but a part of me was fighting. Then a cycle of negative thoughts begin, I stopped spending time with God in the mornings, starting keeping myself busy with "work". Every step forward (or so I think) I took, I kept getting so much push back: student loan service issues, ACLS training, getting a car, finding an apartment, ect...all "Jeffie-centered" plans. All important because it involves getting ready for residency however the focus shifted from God to me. Again. And the Holy Spirit was not having it. There was/is an unsettling in my spirit and even my attitude around people I work with was pungent.
Well, this week has been particularly challenging. In the process of car-searching, I found out that my student loans repayment status has been incorrect for several months. Of course, Nelnet (my service provider) won't reveal the real reason of why there was such a huge error on my account. I got off the phone after another 45 minutes conversation that got me no where...
I had no more feelings left except powerlessness. How did I get this far from God? Did I really focus so much on the surface disappointment that I missed out completely (again) on who's in charge? Yes. Yes and yes. Ashamedly so yes. So tonight, it's shower, dinner, blog, pray, sleep. It's Passion week and I'll be fasting tomorrow (Good Friday) until Resurrection Sunday. And focus on God. Only God. Not my problems, fears, worries, issues or other people's issues either. Just me and God.
Because, I've realized, painfully so, that I truly cannot do anything and cannot be anyone without Him.
"Commit your actions to the Lord,
and your plans will succeed."
"We can make our plans,
but the Lord determines our steps."
"We may throw the dice,
but the Lord determines how they fall."
Proverbs 16: 3, 9, and 33.
But He did leave me with this, in spite of my very type A personality and planner/fixer attitude:
"The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." Exodus 14:14
I love God but He happens to love me more. And I commit to focus on Him, even when there are plot twists in the plan. My disappointment will disappear as He continues to reveal His will. My life is not my own; it is for His kingdom and His glory.
Be blessed.
No comments:
Post a Comment