Naked heart

It was a gut-wrenching feat. Gut-wrenching. I'm listening to Lauren Hill's 'To Zion' and wondering how to articulate everything that's floating on my mind but simmering in my heart. My naked, raw and burning heart. I wonder how it goes on loving sometimes...

I confronted my brother a second time after discovering he had two credit card accounts fraudulently open in my name. I calmly called (I remember feeling nervous because I hate confrontations in general) and asked him if he was at work and if he was at work to call me back. He said we could talk, even when he was at work (he gets off at 12 am). I told him upfront to stop using the credit cards. He said he's been making payments on both. I checked my credit report a couple of days ago and he has been making payments--on one account. The other one is waaaaayyy past due. I tried explaining that I'll help him pay them off and that I need my credit before medical school begins. He cuts me off and explains that exactly why he's making the payments then hangs up.

I'm left wondering if I came off to soft...too polite...too understanding...too weak. It makes no sense, really, it doesn't. He's the one in the wrong and I'm willing to help clean up the mess he created but instead he's being a little jerk.

I didn't come here to vent, to rant or to condemn. I just came to say that I'm through. I reported one account as being fraudulently opened. There's no way (unless God steps through) that I'll pay off everything and save enough money for a car and start school. Seems like I'll defer after all...

...hence my naked heart. Stripped of caring, of red tears, of sense and purpose. Betrayal is hard enough...but betrayal by family...it's gut-wrenching--beyond difficult.

it was dancing near the fire
in another vision
it was captivated by the fire
staring with wet eyes
at the warmth of the flames
on tired, cut feet
it crept towards the flames
reaching out and burning away
the last of her clothing
my heart naked and torn
no longer made of flesh
life and blood
it's now an empty echo
bouncing of walls of disinterest

Rejections

It's never easy being told "no". Whether it's from parents growing up, or the guy/girl you like in high school, or even a friend you thought would be there for you. It's hard when the final answer is not what you wanted or your biggest hopes have been dashed. But what hurts more--to me at least--is when you pour out all you can in a given circumstance and what you get back are rejections.

I've been rejected--from people, friends, family (rarely), schools. Some have been more difficult to deal with then others. But this year (and half of last year), I have dealt with rejections from the one guy I spent 2 years "loving" to my top choices for grad school. This is not an entry to complain or bash the people/things that have hurt but this is to show my side of the whole thing...

Most med school applicants will get their fair share of acceptance, rejections or both. I've had both..more so of rejections than acceptances though...the first rejection was a silent one...so it didn't hurt that much. The second one came from my top choice...that didn't hurt as much either but the third one, yea, that kinda hurt. And it wasn't because it was the particular school (at this point, I honestly didn't want to go there anyway) but because it was another rejection, another unspoken statement saying "you're not good enough". It's a personal rejection. A rejection that after all's been said and done won't matter 20 years from now after I've impacted hundreds of lives around the world...because what one school doesn't want another school picks up and treasures. I am gold and it doesn't matter (really, it doesn't) if Univ. of Miami or Columbia or Univ. of Michigan can't see that. It's their loss. Never mine. Never ever mine.

At the beginning of this post, I was sad, wanting to go somewhere alone and staay there until the post-rejection feeling wears off...now, I just...am. Not too happy or sad. I found out my sister-in-law and niece were in a bad car accident and by God's grace no one was seriously injured...I would have been devastated if something happened. Life does go on, even after the most tragic things happen. Life doesn't change. We do. In the whole application cycle, I've changed. My outlook on how to do things, what to expect, and how to handle curve balls have all helped me amend my personal strength.

In the end, then, it works out. Sometimes, not the way we hoped for and other times much better than we imagined. I had a different idea of how this would happen...of how my life would turn out...of how my heart would be...but circumstances teaches lessons and I've learned. I've been humbled, broken, spent and rejected. It's happened. And I'm not that bad of a person though but I have my faults. We all do. We wouldn't be human if we were perfect...so I've accepted me as I am. And God, the love of my life, has accepted me just as I am since day 1. My family loves me and so do my friends...and I have been accepted into medical school. Out of the 5 schools that I've applied to, I've been rejected by 3...and accepted at one so far and waiting on the last one's decision. I'll end up exactly where I need to be, where I have to be, where I'll fit in best.

With that thought, I'm off to my imperfect world, with my imperfect self. Rejections are inevitable in life...acceptances are too. I'm choosing to focus on the acceptance because I want to be where I'm wanted and needed. Have a wonderful, wonderful night all. I hope my entry has cheered you up! God bless!

When's my turn?

It's so funny how life works at time. There are seasons of abundance and of course, seasons of great lack. My life has a reverse way of working. In times where three different aspects of my life are falling apart, the fourth aspect is thriving. Allow me to enlighten you, if you will.

See, a year ago around this time, I thought I was in love with this guy while I was starting to really like my friend. And then I met someone new over the summer. All the while, my financial, familial, and spiritual life were being tested to a very high level. But my personal life was just amazing! I had options, great options! But not great options for me...unfortunately...

So I ended the year losing two--but even that is not entirely true. I didn't "lose" anyone per say. It's like going out to shop for a particular item in mind but trying on different items. In the end, until you find the item you had in mind originally, you don't buy any of the items you tried on...because you had something specific in mind. That's my case. Great guys--even greater friends (two of them at last; I didn't know the last one well enough for him to be called my friend) but not who I needed to be with. Now all of them are in healthy relationships...

...and I'm choosing to stay single. I'm in a healthy place now. My heart is at rest (it's been on a roller coaster since 2006) and it's content. I'm looking forward to meeting Mr. Right-Now-But-Not-Here-Yet...all in God's timing. I believe this year will end the marathon of putting impossible walls up and allowing the "halo" of his love to bring down the guard.

So yes, life is complicated yet simply beautiful. It's war and peace. It's love and hate. It's blindness and sight, hearing and deafness, intelligence and ignorance...all at the same time. Chaos and order mixing at random intervals...and that's the beauty of it.

My turn will come soon. At what interval? I'm not sure. That's not up to me to figure out though...I just have to keep on being me and improving what I see to what He wants me to be. I can only love because I am loved more than I can love myself because love transcends all and ascends above all because it is all.