Facing death

 I was asked to send some thoughts and sentiments for a friend who will be dying soon from cancer.

How strange. He is alive now. Can I not wait until...he's gone?

I've struggled to send anything. The thought alone of sending my sentiments about B and our friendship is morbid. I have not reconciled with the fact that he will die in the near future. I spent the last 2 hours holding back my tears. Every time I think about him and the fight he fought with cancer the last 8 years, my heart breaks again. Nothing makes it any easier. Not this shitty ass piece of shit year. Not knowing that this day would eventually come. 

I don't have the right words to say. To face death (and for me it's through a friend) in this way is strange. I've held many discussions with patients' family members about death and dying and making patients comfort care in cases where further medical treatment is futile. But this? This is cruel.

I lost a few friends during this year from cancer. A sweet, young, vibrant nurse. Died within weeks after being diagnose with stage IV ovarian cancer. She was only 25. An excellent surgeon, teacher, husband and father. Died within 2 years after being diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. He was hitting the peak of his career. A former high school teacher's wife (my brother's teacher). Died of brain cancer after being diagnosed a month prior. She recently turned 45. And now B. He's only 42. Fun, funny, sarcastic, good heart and awkward.

We were an odd pair. I met B via a classmate of mine. We had a fun night of exploring DC. B and I remained friends. Then I didn't match to residency. B somehow saw strength in me that I couldn't muster. I helped him study; he helped me pay for some of my flights to my residency interviews. B has a good heart, always had. We kept in touch over the years via text (he hates texting), emails and phone calls. When I found out about his cancer becoming stage IV, I was devastated. Seems like he did everything right. But here we are.

B is probably taking this better than the rest of us are. I'm definitely not taking it well. Eventually, I'll have to say goodbye. Eventually, things will end, and he will be laid to rest. Eventually...he won't be a phone call or text away...eventually, the goodbye will be final.

We all will face death at some point.

All I'm saying now is F--k you 2020. And death. And cancer.

I'm not ready to let B go.