As it draws near...

The leaves are gone and as I look outside the nearby window...all I see are lifeless trees. Bare and torn naked for the winter cold. How does losing it all seem to protect the life inside? What exactly triggers a tree, after losing all of its leaves to push out new buds and begin a new cycle of flowering? If only we could learn from nature...
How can we easily trust that when springtime comes around, new trees and flowers will emerge yet doubt when God says "The plan I have for your life is beyond what any eye can see or ear hear?"? I can't say anything...I fall into the category of doubting. Like trees in winter, I was stripped bare (still am) but it is in being stripped, that I realize the leaves I wanted to hold on for so long needed to be gone in order for new ones to emerge when the right time came along...if only I knew this earlier. I would've been stronger. More faithful. Less reluctant to accept the pain and hurt.
The year is changing (obviously) and with that comes new year resolutions and all the jazzy "promised" changes...I have none of that. The soil has been broken in. The seed planted since birth is ready to germinate...or should I say grow. It's been a wonderfully painful year; I've shed many tears to find out that I can't do it on my own. And giving help to those who need it is way easier than receiving help. I've been humbled, broken, bruised...but better off than I started the year. My strength does come from my Father and becomes even greater when those who love me for me understand my unspoken needs. Even when I'm silent they seek the voice in me...I've always known how to say "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you" or "I love you" but never in the context of when it truly mattered, when it was crucial. As the end of the year draws near, I smile. 2008 began with me crying because of loss that was necessary to strip heavy hearts...I'll always miss my grandma but I'm thankful. I can smile from my heart again. 2009 will be a great year...a year in which many, many trees will bear fruits...all in the love and name of God. Until the next year...one luv.

Happy New Year 2009!

Decisions, decisions...

In one week, I got my Christmas present early from God and a heart-wrenching decision that could effect the present validity of the present. It's like deciding between getting married with the "one" and spending a last Christmas with a dying loved one. I know what you're thinking: move the wedding date. Not easily done. It'll postpone the weddings for a length of 2 years...(no, I'm not getting married)...

On a good note, though, things are looking up. For almost two weeks, I've been at peace with things in my life. I need to have devotions in the morning...since I'll be fasting for the decision I might have to make.

Well, this thought never really became an action. I'll leave this as it...

Closing the final chapter

I was cruising down memory lane (well not really) and wondering if there were a few last things I needed to do. You know when a relationship abruptly ends, you cut off all means of reminiscing/remembering the person? I do. I delete the emails, pictures, online conversations, anything that I've ever shared is thrown away. I thought I was done and was proud of myself for not writing a poem that would somehow verbalize the pain of then. I found out today I did write a thought on the subject matter:

"I thought I'd be broken by what you did. Instead two trails of tears glistened my tired
face, followed by the numbing of my heart. I'm confused...not lost. (Fall 2008)"

There it was. It wasn't a poem (it can't be) and yet it summarized my feelings perfectly. Confused (a little hurt too, you know) but not lost (or in despair). Now, it seemed like nothing really ever happened and if it did, I recovered pretty swiftly. Not on my own of course (with divine intervention). I deleted the one thing I thought a year ago I wouldn't be able to do. It was an honestly good feeling...kind of like saying goodbye childhood and welcoming adulthood. It's a nice feeling and I'm looking forward to many things, but one day at a time. I've been out there trying to prove myself...for what? I believe whoever "he" will be won't need me to prove anything. And oh, about my insecurities, who doesn't have them? This time around though I won't let them get the best of me. Ok, it's past my bedtime (and yours too for that matter). I'm off to la-la land (more like the kitchen; dishes need to be washed). It's been a long day running around in Manhattan. Ok, until next time...hopefully the year won't change yet. =)