Growing means...

I feel like this is March 2013 all over again...when I did not match. The blow of not matching knocked me out even though I had a pretty strong suspicion that I wouldn't match. It didn't make the pain hurt less.

Fast forward to the year 2020,  I did not pass my oral boards. I had a sneaking suspicion I wouldn't. It wasn't overwhelming but it was there. I've been so exhausted from this year alone that I just accepted it, right then and there. I vacillate between being incredibly sad versus numbness. This year has stretched me in ways I haven't wanted to be stretched. Last week I ended a relationship because 1) I was starting to have real feelings for the guy and 2) because I knew in the end...he would not be the person I need in a relationship. And no matter how many times, I run the scenario in my head...he remains exactly who he said he was. So that ended. Really mature for me to do but still painful nonetheless.

I am exhausted. Of thinking. Of being this resilient person. I'm tired of having to take of care things all the time. I'm tired of being. I'm just tired. Of not being wanted. Of not being enough. Ever.

I am trying to give myself time to grieve. I have moments at work where the feelings overwhelm me and I have to take a moment to let them out. I pretend like I am ok...when I'm not.

There is this Christian fitness instructor I met through a friend on FB...who is now going through a divorce. It is as of now the most difficult thing she's ever had to go through. In her FB post, she said something that stuck out to me. She said, "God doesn't make bad things happen TO us. Sometimes they happen FOR us." I don't believe a God who loves me would make leave me to carry this burden alone. But sometimes, it feels as if I am. The tears well up in my eyes and my heart is soft and sad. My oral boards is the last part of me needing to become a board certified surgeon...and here I am. Working as a surgeon but lacking in certification...Yes this failure has in fact confirmed *to me* that I am not good enough. My imposter syndrome is alive. 

I am trying to do better for me. So that I can be my best for others. I start therapy next week. So that's a step forward. But being the mature/strong person is tiring. I am tired.