Clearer heart, focused mind

It's about 68 degrees now in South Florida...and it's almost 4 am. I've fallen asleep a couple of times and woken up to pots to wash and a kitchen to clean up. My one brother who works is MIA...not sure of where he went. I faintly remember him coming back inside and then me getting up and telling him something...but now he's back. Safe and sound. My too imaginative mind had thoughts of him kidnapped and stuffed somewhere. Thank the heavens 99% of my thoughts don't become real worries.

Christmas was interesting. I didn't go to church...I stayed home with my mom. I did pray and thanked God for His gifts and blessings in my life. This year He protected me from making a huge mistake. And knowing myself it was something that would've taken me a while to forgive myself. I remember being upset with God but later "growing up" and just looking at the situation the way He wanted me to...and sure enough, over time, I let go of something that could have seriously affected our relationship...but looking back now, I think it's time I let it go. I tried doing it my own and cutting it cold turkey but learned again that I had to let myself be ready in order to truly let go. And it was a gradual process...but looking back now, I think now I'm ready. And that's what matters.

The next few days will consist of planning for the next 6 months...sort of. I take Step 1 on June 15th, God-willing. I plan to start studying in January. I will also be using FirstAid more along with my classes now that I'll have one exam for all 3 classes. Yay. This is going to be interesting.

Okay enough with the boring school talk; onto more interesting news. So found out that my parents dated for like 9 years before they eventually got married. My mom was 14 and my dad 17! Eh--not sure how I feel about that. I learned a lot to say the least this past Christmas...

I'm still on the road less traveled and quite honestly I don't mind it. This year has been tumultuous, with the many disasters in my homeland Haiti and personal storms that I've been through. I'm learning slowly how to allow myself to be human and a godly woman at the same time. It's hard. But I have the best person on my side so if He knows I can do it, then I can do it. Period.

(sorry this was just blah-blah-blah; this was written over 2+ hrs of me dividing my time between writing and getting ready for bed, lol)

Another heartache?

My, my, how time flies! I'm almost done with the first semester of second year! I found my groove, as my cousin says, because this time around I'm actually happier most of the time. There have been some ups and downs but I've been able to see the sun with God's help. I've had to make some adjustments, allow a little more leg room, pulled back from some people and tried my best to give DC a second chance. I live in a house now, with 2 other roommates...commute is still a little long but I like it. Classes are tough but not ridiculous...the amount of material is tough. I have a little interesting story to tell...

After I got back from Haiti (a whole 'nother entry), I managed to gather my belongings and move out of my old apartment. In the meantime, I reconnected with someone I haven't seen or heard from in years. I'll call him the Difficult One or D for short. Now, I friended D on facebook because it's been a while and it'd be nice to see what was new in the gap in time. (And I also thought he was cute, lol). So D and started chatting at first, sort of, and then we exchanged numbers and it quickly got ridiculous. I remember spending 5 hrs on the phone with him, talking about who knows what. But I was soooo excited because for once in a while, I met someone who was 1) single and 2) very interesting. I mean what could go wrong, right? In the back in my mind...I knew something had to be up because...well...that's just how life is. It never really is perfect. Come to find out D was in a "complicated" situation. So complicated, I should've just ran the other way. But no, I thought to myself, "What about how I feel?" My feelings got the best of me...and what should've ended in a week, ended almost 3 months later. Why? I'll let you know...

So in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth--no, lol, well that did happen but that's not where I'm going. :-) Ok, seriously, in the beginning he was really nice and sweet...he was a bit more open with his feelings and I was a little hesitant because well, a lot of guys I'm used aren't really ok with expressing how they feel. But then...he started calling me "his girl"...which I wasn't. No one asked me out...and I wasn't going to "assume" I was in a relationship. Since we over 2,000 miles apart, the next question was when would I come to visit...I wanted to but then I know I couldn't. His situation was very complicated...and once I told him I couldn't come and I didn't want to come...things began to change. He stopped calling as often...stopped calling me his girl...said things were "my call"...and started assuming more things and was beginning to show his true colors, I guess. Deep down I know there's a sensitive, loving man but what I was experiencing was beyond "loving"...

Well tonight (this morning), I told him...I told him that we shouldn't talk anymore. I get it that I'm a difficult person but I'm willing to compromise...if I'm wrong let me know...but don't always hold it against me. That's not how one truly cares. And when I try to point out the WRONG things about the "relationship", my comments are basically ignored. It hurts and gets me upset at the same time. But it's over. Mentally. Emotionally, it'll take some time for my heart to catch up. Because I was willing to jump on a plane and fly over 2k miles for a guy who's not even mine. See the absolutely ludicrousness of the situation?

Man, I was hoping that I wouldn't have another heartache this year...and it all happened so quickly; and knowing him, we'll never talk again. And it's that truth that hurts the most...