Dream within a dream

This is an attempt to re-ignite the writer's fire in my heart.

Take one:

Mom and I spoke today and it was for a good while. She told me stories as she relayed her fears to me. It's interesting how much closer we've gotten over the years...after the many nights of wondering if my mom and I were from the same Creator...but then again, once love changes a heart, it's amazing what that heart can do.

Take two:

It's past 1 am and I'm still up, still trying to figure out this life thing. Not life but me. I want a puppy. Maybe a lab or not. I'll start off with getting teddy bears. I know, there's no real connection...but I need something to hold and although I want something to wiggle and bark and pee on my bed (not really looking forward for that) but I'll settle for something I can hold on to as I sleep (yes, I like sleeping with teddy bears...I'm a kid at heart; deal with it).

Take three:

Saturday night and I'm stuck cleaning my room, the kitchen and my hair. I'm feeling lazy and tired but I push myself to clean, wash, clean. My lips are drier than normal and my twins are well, they're coming out again. I just ate a king size bar of butterfingers. I don't like peanuts or its family...

I slept and dreamt that something was being written. Something deep, inspiring, uplifting but this isn't it. Nothing uplifting or life-changing. Just random thoughts that think they belong together. And they don't. They don't even belong here.

The apples are green...still

In the span of time of being here and there, I'm slowly losing track of the small things that kept me happy: reading, talking to my mom, admiring nature, writing and just relishing on the small yet important things...I barely have time to enjoy a good movie. Maybe I don't have a good handle on things like I thought I did. All I do is study and once in a blue moon, I do something 'fun', and that in itself does not consist of what Jeffie usually does...

I love what I'll be doing, a good majority of the things I do, the people I'm around and at times, those rare moments I get to glance up and appreciate a sunrise...but along the way, I'm allowing myself to be more restricted, to be so focused on getting 'school work' done that I miss out on some of the things that made me who I am. But maybe this is normal, that at some point in adjusting, refocusing the lenses of life and taking baby steps on a road not ever traveled by one of mine, it's ok to lose sense of self (sort of) along the way.

I still wear red, still love chocolate ice cream, still love green apples, still dream...maybe not as much but I still do. Isn't that the point anyway? Haven't written a piece in a while but the ideas are coming; I just need to get something on paper...something that captures it all:

she said
she didn't want to be here alone
she wasn't afraid in the beginning
because other things were on her mind
the load had different weights
and one heart ached more than the other
but when she closed her eyes,
said her prayers and tried to
there was no one there
just darkness
heap of emptiness
staring back
yet she wasn't afraid
just saddened at how her own heart
lost faith in itself

I'll make the time and hopefully not be an introvert as I reconnect with my inner self. I need to. Something went wrong and I need to deal with it now. And let her loose..