Fuck

I turned 37 about 2 days ago. I did something different this year. I had a birthday party! It was actually a combo housewarming party and birthday party. A good, loving and wonderful friend (secret crush) organized it all. He asked...I didn't offer. And it was fabulous!

It was a great time. I had a good number of people show up. Even one of my closest friends from college flew down to the party and stayed the weekend. It was a beautiful time, even when I got wasted and kissed my crush. Several times, mind you. I only remember one 😑. What a time to be alive.

Then the insecurities crept in about said crush with one drunken convo: "Oh yea, he was def talking to her recently. I don't know about that guy. Just shady." I promptly left--no reason really, he's not my boyfriend. He's a friend. A good one. An honest one. A caring one. A protective one. Before the crush was real for me, he was a good person who did his job well and was always kind to me. He'd joke about us having kids one day and getting married. But I never took him seriously because he's a big flirt (I'm finding out more these days). Then something clicked when he said another one of his crazy antics and I saw that he might have been serious. The summer went by with this man flirting hard and me falling hard. Mainly after a mutual friend was like "oh yea, he's been interested since Hurricane Ida". That hurricane happened after mom died so your girl was NOT AT ALL available. 

In the past with potential partners, it would get to a point where my nervous system freaked out and the sense of security I needed was never met. Mind you we are *not* dating. But with him, I feel safe, protected, cared for, respected, appreciated, and prioritized. One thing he said that made me feel like it was my mom's level of caring (*in the moment*): "I worry about you because somebody has to". 😔 Most importantly, my intuition is saying he's good. Stay. Be patient.

However, some days the past trauma/insecurities pop back up and I spiral down. The grief, the insecurities, the trauma, the past relationships that were bad--it all comes rushing back as if I haven't been in therapy for the last year and half.

Fuck.

So I cry the tears, I lose some sense, I miss mom over and that gut-wrenching pain comes back. 

Life be lifin' some days.

And in those days, I just want to say FUCK.

I trust my intuition.

I trust the Universe.

I trust my spirit guides.

I trust my angels.

I trust my heart.

I trust me.

All is well. All is fucking well.

The heaviness of Christmas

Christmas season is upon us...and here comes the heaviness of the holidays. Out of the all the end of year celebrations, Christmas has been the hardest for me since Mom's passing. My favorite memories of celebrations back home usually was of Christmas. Mom always tried her best to make it special for us. At one point, we had a Christmas tree, Christmas gifts, family time and always, always great food. There was love and home was safe.

These last 2 (soon to be 3) Christmases without mom have been hard. In 2021, it was just shock. Last year, I was so angry with everything the number of fucks I gave was in the negatives. It was spent with some stranger in my bed. Hmmm make that two strangers (lol). This year, I am moving (bought a house, whoohoo!) for the final time (for a while, I pray) and I am going through things I will pack or throw away. I encountered the outfit I wore to my mom's funeral and had to stop. I don't know if I should keep the dress or donate it. And that broke me. It's another Christmas without her. And it feels like a little ( A LOT) of less love in my life. The reality is that the love I want is available...just not in the way I want it. I want mom to be here in the flesh, holding me. But alas.

Grief remains a bitch.

Merry fucking Christmas!

When the going just stops

I’d like to think I’m not where feelings and fancies go to die. But lately it seems to be that way. I’m not going to lie, the whole dating thing is a wash. I deleted the apps in October 2022. I have zero plans of signing up again. I’ve learned that I have tunnel vision and miss potential men because I’m so focused on whatever is in front of me. I also see a pattern of feelings and potentials that die once I’m aware. As if I’m the cause of shit not working out. 

It's ok if it's stops. I am learning and growing. 

It will be fine.

He will come and I will know him when I see him.

Sitting in the dark for a bit

Year 2 of mom's passing is coming up. The last few days have been hard. I'm irritable, sad, hopeless and angry. Angry being the predominant feeling. Apathy is not too far away. At this point, I don't really know who to be more upset with: mom or God. It also doesn't matter which one because it won't change a damn thing. Nothing will change. I always end up right where I started: she's gone. So at this moment, in the darkness and pit of my anger and grief, I just don't care much about anything else...not about freezing my eggs, or buying a house, or meeting someone or anything...life meant something when mom was alive. Now...life is time passing by. 

My reason for wanting her back are selfish. I'm allowed that every now and then.

I do want to scream, and set the world on fire, break every single fucking glass in sight and then find respite on the beach...alone.

The one person in the world I knew loved me died almost two years ago...the one person who's love kept me going. And now here we are. Me, a fucking mess...yay.

so yea. i'll sit in the dark for a bit. suits the color of my spirit right now.

Not knowing what the f**k is going on

It is now April 2023. There was so much planned for this month. I had imagine that for my mom's 70th birthday to take her to Martinique, a trip I had promised her many years ago. But alas. She'll have to be there with me in spirit.

Yesterday (4/10/2023) I was in a funk...still am. Day started off weirdly. Stayed that way the whole day. There were two shootings in Louisville, KY--one a mass shooting done by another angry white guy. I guess when everyone's dead, we will finally get sensible gun laws. I digress. I also found out about instant dates. Which I think is an asshole trend. So at these dates, if one party doesn't like how the other party looks/acts/ect, they just ghost them...as in sees them, decide they won't to be on the date anymore, and leave.  From a woman's perspective, it's a little dicey because some men can react violently if rejected so yea. There's been so much cruelty, hate, and pure evil it seems that's been overwhelming...I think I may have to take another social media break. Because I really don't understand wtf is going on.

The whole instant date trend just me feel very disappointed. Like why be cruel? It reminded me of Mother's Day 2021. Last one with mom. And how inconsiderate my father was. He could've taken my mom out for brunch or lunch...or something. Instead he gave her a list of things he wanted to have that Sunday for lunch. Didn't even get her flowers. Inconsiderate. Unkind. Thoughtless. A space of no love. I don't want that. I don't want that in any of my relationships--at least not the ones I hold dear to my heart.

Navigating through the marsh

Well. 

I'm learning that I'm learning. Offering myself the grace that I need and deserve. Sitting with the uncomfortable. Letting go of the toxic habits. And the men. Honestly, I’m letting go of all of it. I deleted the Google Voice app. Deleted the numbers. Devising a strategy to not place myself in tempting situations. And learning to walk way from situations where I am not loved or kept safe.

being in the present sometimes feels like standing in the middle. Neither in the past nor the future. but standing still. not because I necessarily want to but because the past at times is still haunting and painful and the future is...unrealistic. The reality is though little by little time is moving whether I want to move forward or not. I guess this is what acceptance looks like. or at least the beginning of it.

i miss the protection and safety of my mom's love. maybe i wasn't paying attention to anyone else. but it was the one love where i didn't have to be anyone else but me, i wasn't asked to be anyone else but me, and i lived.

Heart Talk

That is the title of the book I am reading now. Hello. It's 2023. I welcomed the new year with my cousin Fabrice and his family in Atlanta. It was nice. Just a small group of us. We caught up, laughed, ate, cooked together and enjoyed quality time as we brought the new year in and kept it low key. I am grateful.

The last year ended with me exhausted. It was rough. I learned that I was indeed doing too much in the sense that I was carrying too much.

My goal this year and moving forward is to take care of me and focus of nurturing me, who is learning to build a life around my grief. I am diving into shadow work also so I can better understand all aspects of who I am so I can love all of me, and as Cleo Wade says, all of my ingredients.

My 36th birthday is in 2 weeks. God willing, I will be in St. Croix with my cousin celebrating it. I look forward to chapter 36. Chapter 35 thought to shed. It fell apart. I fell apart. Here's to rebuilding.