My, how things have changed

It has been quite some time since I wrote something...as in it's been almost 4 years. Those 4 years have been...crazy, for a lack of a better word. It's been for years of self-discovery, of lost, of love, of pain, of joy, of new friendships and of changed hearts. I still am in residency, almost done however. New Orleans has grown on me. I still fight with having to stay here--it's an ongoing but less traumatic battle.

I stopped writing for a while. There was just no energy left to describe everything I was going through. So I'll summarize what these last 4 years have been like:

Shy intern in a world where she never felt like she quite fit
Painful and tiring second year resident--had several fruitless relationships until she met MF
Intuition told her that MF was not the one--not a good one and certainly not the one for her
She fought and did not listen--because she thought maybe intuition was wrong
Home to Haiti in spring of 2016 as a desperate plea for respite
August 2016--proof that MF was definitely cheating or that maybe she was likely another side chick *sigh, selah, pause*
Loving, sweet, kind father-like uncle suddenly died--broke something inside of her
Afraid that she was like her mother, she paused even when she knew leaving him was necessary
Every "I love you" meant nothing. Nothing at all.
Even her heart stopped responding.
She's now a 3rd year resident and thriving--to her surprise
And she breaks up with him a week before her 30th birthday--for the last time
She's in Nashville, TN presenting her research
And again in Seattle, WA presenting a poster
All good things
April 2017 she visits her home again after a 7-year hiatus--my, how things have changed
But being home was good as much as it was painful it was also beautiful
The academic year ends with her professional life improving and her love life dying
July 6th, 2017--gets offered a potential position as *STAFF* at her home institution...her first big case as a fourth year resident (only because of Yahweh's favor)
Mother tells her of the dream; it confirms that Yahweh was indeed protecting her
She fought for herself and learned that it's perfectly fine
To let go of toxic love. 
2017 held a lot of brokenness...and revealed wounds that were never healed.
But this propelled her into a state of renewal and rebuilding
Almost done with residency and planning for fellowship, after all--Yahweh is forever good.

So now, I'm writing the draft for my second manuscript (it will be done today). I will be applying for fellowship this year and match (fingers crossed in Oct 2018). My parents are getting older. My family has some disjointed parts (is there truly a perfect family?). I appreciate all of the meaningful relationships I've had since being here. I am grateful for this time in my life.

I am learning to love, Jeffanne, for all of who she is. Stripping her of the unnecessary baggage and allowing the Universe (Yahweh) to shape me into the best me, daily.

Until next time (days rather than years this time),
Yours truly.

Embrace change

That's one of the many phrases on the card my friend sent to me after hearing me stress (yet again) about how difficult transitioning to residency is. That was (and continues to be at times) the most difficult part. Embracing being here. Here means I am far away from home (in every essence of the word). Family, friends, city...you name it. Isolated. I initially saw myself in a desert and God is my oasis. Walking alone...but that's changing.

"Take the journey back to yourself." Ha. Funny statement. It's been over 3 months since residency started. I'm finishing up my 2nd rotation. The time is passing quickly, too quickly but too slow at the same time. My first few weeks were scary. I was in the surgical ICU, taking care of extremely ill patients and required to be able to quickly (at times) assess and intervene. My first call I barely slept anxious and nervous about all the million things that could go wrong. I slowly became a teensy bit comfortable with taking call. I made new friends with the ICU nurses. I became close with some of my patients's families---so much so that when the time came to say goodbye, a piece of my heart broke.

"Love with abandon." Continues to be a work in progress. I met someone that I quickly ended things with. The nature of our meeting wasn't the best of circumstance. Then I tried OKCupid. Then eharmony. All the while saying "God, I trust you." Well, I have since removed my profile and allowing God to be God. He created the world with words alone; I'm sure He can bring whoever He has in mind into my life with my crazy schedule. My focus now is to love Him with abandon. Mr. Right will come...when it's time.

"Be positive". I have to be. Daily. I've noticed the moment I allow myself to complain, curse, become caught up with my surroundings, I lose my peace and I invite dissatisfaction in. So I pray every morning. I give it to God. I bless each day and declare that it is great. I truly, truly believe that God can make this very challenging part of the journey enjoyable and pleasant and victorious. I smile and the part that smiles inside is from the joy of the Lord, what He's blessed me with.

"Surprise yourself and to the thing you didn't think you could do." As I'm writing this, tears are forming in my eyes. I wrote about what I'm about to bring up before but this time around I have a testimony. About a year ago---well exactly a year, I was so intoxicated that the next day I woke up still inebriated. Why did I continually drink? I was in pain---still angry at God, still wanted to forget the year "wasted", and to socialize. I made a vow, to stop drinking. Then I started again. On "special" occasions, work events, happy hours until I was right back where I began. Long story short, I overdid it twice again once I started residency. Bad decisions were made. And I just got sick of it. Really sick of it. So I asked God to meet me where I was. And He did. So yes, I'm surprised. I never thought I could enjoy life without alcohol. Because no alkie = no fun. He's surprising me though. Because of His grace, I am able to say no when offered a drink. Every single time. 

And I will end with this one "Share your inner light." Shanelle (my inspirational friend who has a gift of encouragement and inspiration) reminded this past week that I spoke people and I speak heart language. I believe how I am able to connect with and speak to people is a gift from God. Like Mr. S. I'll never forget him or his family. That was something special.

Residency is a beast. But God is a bigger beast and He's my Father, so that absolutely, positively, definitely makes me, Jeffanne, capable to overcome that beast. I will do my part, study, study, study, work hard and live righteously. This is God's will for my life and He has supplied everything I need to be excellent. I just need to embrace the fact and the change and this new journey.

ps. It's starting again...the "everyone is getting married and having babies" trend on FB. So I'm logging on less frequently.
pps. Lilly asked me to be her maid of honor. EEKKKK!! :-)

I get to hold a scalpel

I get to hold a scalpel. This time around, there will be many more opportunities to make the first cut, to ligate, to control bleeding, to suture. I will no longer be mainly an observer but an active learner as well, with the opportunity to have hands-on experience.

God is so faithful! In less than a week, I will start my first year of intern year in general surgery at Ochsner Clinic Foundation. Craziness. I get to legally cut people (ha!). In all truth, the enormity of the opportunity is mind-blowing! I am grateful and look forward...to it?

I've been praying and I've told God that I don't want residency to be just hard---I want to see Him more clearly in all that I do, that this experience is enriching and that despite the challenges,that I learn from Him and that HE is my joy throughout all 5 years and beyond. God, I want residency to be phenomenal; I pray that I don't fall in the trap of complaining, grumbling, or resisting work. And during the most challenging days, remind me of your purpose for my life, provide grace and refreshing strength, empower me to a force to be reckoned with (because of You) but a gentle and humble servant of Yours. You have entrusted me to take care of others ailments and have given me the elite gift to open people's temples and do what must be done. Provide support, mentors and a good church where I'll be able to serve...at some point. I love you and thank you!

So, here's to being all God's called me to be! Cheers!

ps. I get to hold a scalpel and be in the OR again. :-)
pps. My co-interns are pretty darn awesome.

God says: Surprise! Plot twists!!

How did I get this far and lose focus, especially when it came to trusting God? Let me ask the question a different way. What caused me or how did I allow myself to get pushed around by my present circumstances?

Feelings are powerful. Perspective is even more powerful. Dwelling on the wrong forms of both is downright dangerous.

Exactly a month ago, I found out that I matched for a categorical position in general surgery. I checked my email, after having lunch, with a close friend who has been a guardian angel throughout the past year. Matching this year was an incredible feat, considering I had many odds against me. 1) I was already a graduate, 2) I was applying to a competitive field, 3) I didn't have enough interviews and 4) I didn't match the year prior---hence reapplying. But God. The stats were definitely not in my favor. Yet, He matched me. Like He said as Candace was praying for me, I'd go far but it's all part of the plan. So I matched in Ochsner Clinic in New Orleans! And what a surprise that was! I NEVER thought I'd end up there. Talk about a plot twist...I thought far meant Jacksonville, FL because I really wanted to go to Mayo Clinic. I really liked the breast surgeon there. God has other plans.

And my so did my disappointment. Once the excitement died down, I realized how FAR I would be from every single person I cared for...and how indeed I would be starting over from nearly zero. And that realization sort of depressed me. I was grateful for matching, for officially starting training---but a part of me was fighting. Then a cycle of negative thoughts begin, I stopped spending time with God in the mornings, starting keeping myself busy with "work". Every step forward (or so I think) I took, I kept getting so much push back: student loan service issues, ACLS training, getting a car, finding an apartment, ect...all "Jeffie-centered" plans. All important because it involves getting ready for residency however the focus shifted from God to me. Again. And the Holy Spirit was not having it. There was/is an unsettling in my spirit and even my attitude around people I work with was pungent.

Well, this week has been particularly challenging. In the process of car-searching, I found out that my student loans repayment status has been incorrect for several months. Of course, Nelnet (my service provider) won't reveal the real reason of why there was such a huge error on my account. I got off the phone after another 45 minutes conversation that got me no where...

I had no more feelings left except powerlessness. How did I get this far from God? Did I really focus so much on the surface disappointment that I missed out completely (again) on who's in charge? Yes. Yes and yes. Ashamedly so yes. So tonight, it's shower, dinner, blog, pray, sleep. It's Passion week and I'll be fasting tomorrow (Good Friday) until Resurrection Sunday.  And focus on God. Only God. Not my problems, fears, worries, issues or other people's issues either. Just me and God.

Because, I've realized, painfully so, that I truly cannot do anything and cannot be anyone without Him.

"Commit your actions to the Lord,

and your plans will succeed."

 

"We can make our plans,

but the Lord determines our steps."

 

"We may throw the dice,

but the Lord determines how they fall."

Proverbs 16: 3, 9, and 33.

 

But He did leave me with this, in spite of my very type A personality and planner/fixer attitude:

"The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." Exodus 14:14

 

I love God but He happens to love me more. And I commit to focus on Him, even when there are plot twists in the plan. My disappointment will disappear as He continues to reveal His will. My life is not my own; it is for His kingdom and His glory.

 

Be blessed.

Perfect Peace

You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Isaiah 26:3

 

 

This past month and half, I've been studying Isaiah, which happens to be a difficult text to me. There is much history, events, prophecies---and many, many recurring themes: Israelites turn from God, then they are punished, they turn back to God and repent, then do the same things over again. Trickled in there are prophecies of Christ's coming, His birth, His life, and His ultimate sacrifice.

 

 

There are passages that I read, re-read, prayed for understanding and meditated on. One thing that has become evident, the more I read and spend time with God, the more He enlightens me to His truth. When I read Isaiah 26, it finally dawned on me what has kept me sane the past couple of months: God's perfect peace.

 

 

A year ago, this very day, when rank lists were (are) due, I was in Vienna, Austria, fretting over my rank list. None of the schools on my list were right. None of them. I was not at peace. I somehow knew something was wrong. This year, there are excited tears. Peaceful heart. I can  say in total honesty, it is well with my soul. I am head over heels in love with God and the way He loves me. He has allowed me to be broken, the most stubborn, unyielding part of me (my pride) was shattered. So He could build me up to be who He wants me for the future. I trust Him, I trust His plan and His will. This is not an easy place to be in and it surely is not an easy statement to make. I remember perfectly each painful moment of truth and the growth pains. But, I am thankful, because His love never ceases to amaze me.

 

So, my rank list is certified. I checked it tonight. I will not look at it again. There have been many confirmations. I know I won't be "close" to family. I know I will match this year. Praise God!

 

His perfect peace has kept me. My eyes are fixed on Jesus Christ, the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

 

 

I will wait on Him in whose hands and heart rests my soul.

Having Jesus at the center of my life

"Jesus, you're the center of my joy

All that's good and perfect comes from you

You're the heart of my contentment, hope for all I do

Jesus, you're the center of my joy"

 

 

 

This year, 2013, marks my thirteenth year being a follower of Christ. At 13, I was desperate for truth, for acceptance, for unconditional love, for someone who would never forsake me, and someone who wouldn't be dispappointed with who I am. At that point in time, it seemed like a matter of life and death. I came from a home where my parents had a severely dysfunctional marriage and that impacted me in ways I didn't realize until I was in my late teens. I was desperate because I needed to believe that there is something better than what I experienced then. Well, things changed when I took the plunge.

 

I remember well the day I was baptized. I wish could say it was a glorious morning. It was a beautiful day. But I woke up that day with a very heavy heart. I knew the decision I was about to make would mean that if God came back the instant I was baptized, those closest to my heart wouldn't be in heaven with me. It was very first time that I can recall trusting God, trusting that He knew best, and trusting that He would take care of everything. I went into the ocean burdened, ashamed, guilty, worthy of death, condemned but I chose God. I chose God because He heals, He loves, He cares---cared enough to say that I am worthy dying for...as well as the rest of humanity.

 

Since that day, God began a radical change in my life; every area was affected. He started with me--my heart. I was stubborn---am stubborn, many times---for the change to take place. He peeled layer, after layer, after layer, after layer. He pursued me relentlessly because He wants me in eternity with Him. God is still pursuing me, most importantly my heart. He got my attention really well this year. Reduced me to very little and even then, He was the one in that valley, carrying, sustaining me. God's love blows my mind. It's nothing I've ever encountered, nothing I'll ever experience with anyone, outside of Him being a part of it. He knows my heart, He's patient with me---I KNOW all too well how STUBBORN and annoying and extremely DIFFICULT I can be. Yet He stays. He chooses me every, single day. How can I say no to Him? I can't.

 

I have no regrets from when I first decided to follow Christ. There have been many challenges, many periods where I cry from the depths of my soul---all for His glory. Having Jesus at the center of my life means that I have to deny myself daily. That includes many things. Let me share one last story.

 

There's a growing transparency that comes with serving and living for God. You are humbled by Him showing you the true contents of your heart. That without Him, no true good exist. This allows you to share your weaknesses with others--to give hope that indeed no Christian is ever perfect. I am Haitian by heritage and American by birth. Growing up in Haiti, especially in Catholic families, drinking alcohol was never a big deal. I was allowed to taste alcohol at a young age, mostly at family gatherings. Kremas (close to alcoholic eggnog) was served at christenings, communion celebrations and other religious holidays. When I was 11, I binged drank for the first time. My dad had a bottle gin which in rebellion I had 5 shots of. My parents had told me earlier that I couldn't go to a Christmas party that the neighbors were having (dumb, right?). I blacked out. I remembered only snippets of that night. Since then, binge drinking became a regular occurrence, even after I became a Christian. It lasted through college and got worse in med school. Sadly, I enjoyed being drunk, even when the morning after hang over was terrible. Well fast-forward to now. Lately, when friends would invite me for dinner or to go out, the goal of the night was to get drunk. One instance, after I was pretty tipsy, I even smoked. I woke up the next day feeling terrible and just disgusted with myself. How can I say I "love" God yet outrightly disobey Him? How am I being a witness? The last straw occurred when I finished a whole bottle of wine alone, in one sitting (less than 2 hours). Then I topped it off with 3 shots of whiskey and a whiskey sour. I woke up the next day (still very not sober) and sick. At this point, I'm co-leading a small group in church and actively pursuing a healthy lifestyle. I was tired of being a hypocrite and chose God. I made a commitment to not pick up alcohol in 2013. I have an accountability partner and am now saying no to offers to happy hour---anywhere I might be tempted to drink. I quit drinking because I don't like who I am when I drink (beligerent, careless, a possible smoker and uninhibited to do heaven knows what). I don't like being drunk. I hate hangovers.

 

This is what a relationship with Christ does. In time, you let go of everything that gets in the way of your growth with Him. He supplies the strength, sustenance, peace, and courage to get it all done. I want nothing in between Christ and I: not relationships, friendships, career, finances, or desires. Thirteen years ago, I said yes to Him. Twenty-six years ago, He created my human form. He gave me life and purpose. Jesus is my truth, the center of my life. He is not an after thought, or someone I hang out with, he's not my friend with some benefits and we are not dating. He is my forever-commitment. I live my life for Him, seeking His kingdom first. Being an example of who He is to the world, so that others desperate for the Truth will find Him.

 

Having Jesus at the center of my life has been a phenomenal experience. It's one I will give up everything for. He is the Truth, the only Truth there will ever be.

 

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,

all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"-Isaiah 26:3

 

Peace, blessings and love in Christ Jesus.



The process of this place

I wrote this a while ago...in July. I was capturing snippets of the changes going on in life. It is refreshing to see God more and more in my daily activities. This poem is a result of that reality. I am overwhelmed by His goodness and I savor His presence and His love., as I patiently wait for Adam.

I have finally made it
Finally reached a place of
contentment
I can spread my wings and
Fly to whatever destination my heart
Leans toward
I am no longer afraid
No longer worrying
That you are not
No longer afraid of being alone
Of waking up with no one beside me

In my heart you live on
A faceless man
A beautiful man
Someone I don't have to construct
Or reconstruct
Because I no longer wake up
Pining away for the shadows
That used to easily blind my heart
And fool my mind
Shadows because the real you
Loves Him more than
You love me
It's a necessity
A way to know you're my Adam

So this place where He's brought
me
Is where I'll be when you come
Should you come
The goal isn't so much
If you'll come
But that He will always provide
A place of singleness
of freedom
of peace
of abundance
Where my heart is refreshed and
renewed daily
Emptied of the years of being a
receptacle for not-enoughs, for-nows,
secondaries, and
never the first and only.

This place
is where you'll find me
Where I'll be growing in Him
And my heart will be in His heart
And only those who have access to that special place
will find me.

This place