It's about 68 degrees now in South Florida...and it's almost 4 am. I've fallen asleep a couple of times and woken up to pots to wash and a kitchen to clean up. My one brother who works is MIA...not sure of where he went. I faintly remember him coming back inside and then me getting up and telling him something...but now he's back. Safe and sound. My too imaginative mind had thoughts of him kidnapped and stuffed somewhere. Thank the heavens 99% of my thoughts don't become real worries.
Christmas was interesting. I didn't go to church...I stayed home with my mom. I did pray and thanked God for His gifts and blessings in my life. This year He protected me from making a huge mistake. And knowing myself it was something that would've taken me a while to forgive myself. I remember being upset with God but later "growing up" and just looking at the situation the way He wanted me to...and sure enough, over time, I let go of something that could have seriously affected our relationship...but looking back now, I think it's time I let it go. I tried doing it my own and cutting it cold turkey but learned again that I had to let myself be ready in order to truly let go. And it was a gradual process...but looking back now, I think now I'm ready. And that's what matters.
The next few days will consist of planning for the next 6 months...sort of. I take Step 1 on June 15th, God-willing. I plan to start studying in January. I will also be using FirstAid more along with my classes now that I'll have one exam for all 3 classes. Yay. This is going to be interesting.
Okay enough with the boring school talk; onto more interesting news. So found out that my parents dated for like 9 years before they eventually got married. My mom was 14 and my dad 17! Eh--not sure how I feel about that. I learned a lot to say the least this past Christmas...
I'm still on the road less traveled and quite honestly I don't mind it. This year has been tumultuous, with the many disasters in my homeland Haiti and personal storms that I've been through. I'm learning slowly how to allow myself to be human and a godly woman at the same time. It's hard. But I have the best person on my side so if He knows I can do it, then I can do it. Period.
(sorry this was just blah-blah-blah; this was written over 2+ hrs of me dividing my time between writing and getting ready for bed, lol)
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Another heartache?
My, my, how time flies! I'm almost done with the first semester of second year! I found my groove, as my cousin says, because this time around I'm actually happier most of the time. There have been some ups and downs but I've been able to see the sun with God's help. I've had to make some adjustments, allow a little more leg room, pulled back from some people and tried my best to give DC a second chance. I live in a house now, with 2 other roommates...commute is still a little long but I like it. Classes are tough but not ridiculous...the amount of material is tough. I have a little interesting story to tell...
After I got back from Haiti (a whole 'nother entry), I managed to gather my belongings and move out of my old apartment. In the meantime, I reconnected with someone I haven't seen or heard from in years. I'll call him the Difficult One or D for short. Now, I friended D on facebook because it's been a while and it'd be nice to see what was new in the gap in time. (And I also thought he was cute, lol). So D and started chatting at first, sort of, and then we exchanged numbers and it quickly got ridiculous. I remember spending 5 hrs on the phone with him, talking about who knows what. But I was soooo excited because for once in a while, I met someone who was 1) single and 2) very interesting. I mean what could go wrong, right? In the back in my mind...I knew something had to be up because...well...that's just how life is. It never really is perfect. Come to find out D was in a "complicated" situation. So complicated, I should've just ran the other way. But no, I thought to myself, "What about how I feel?" My feelings got the best of me...and what should've ended in a week, ended almost 3 months later. Why? I'll let you know...
So in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth--no, lol, well that did happen but that's not where I'm going. :-) Ok, seriously, in the beginning he was really nice and sweet...he was a bit more open with his feelings and I was a little hesitant because well, a lot of guys I'm used aren't really ok with expressing how they feel. But then...he started calling me "his girl"...which I wasn't. No one asked me out...and I wasn't going to "assume" I was in a relationship. Since we over 2,000 miles apart, the next question was when would I come to visit...I wanted to but then I know I couldn't. His situation was very complicated...and once I told him I couldn't come and I didn't want to come...things began to change. He stopped calling as often...stopped calling me his girl...said things were "my call"...and started assuming more things and was beginning to show his true colors, I guess. Deep down I know there's a sensitive, loving man but what I was experiencing was beyond "loving"...
Well tonight (this morning), I told him...I told him that we shouldn't talk anymore. I get it that I'm a difficult person but I'm willing to compromise...if I'm wrong let me know...but don't always hold it against me. That's not how one truly cares. And when I try to point out the WRONG things about the "relationship", my comments are basically ignored. It hurts and gets me upset at the same time. But it's over. Mentally. Emotionally, it'll take some time for my heart to catch up. Because I was willing to jump on a plane and fly over 2k miles for a guy who's not even mine. See the absolutely ludicrousness of the situation?
Man, I was hoping that I wouldn't have another heartache this year...and it all happened so quickly; and knowing him, we'll never talk again. And it's that truth that hurts the most...
After I got back from Haiti (a whole 'nother entry), I managed to gather my belongings and move out of my old apartment. In the meantime, I reconnected with someone I haven't seen or heard from in years. I'll call him the Difficult One or D for short. Now, I friended D on facebook because it's been a while and it'd be nice to see what was new in the gap in time. (And I also thought he was cute, lol). So D and started chatting at first, sort of, and then we exchanged numbers and it quickly got ridiculous. I remember spending 5 hrs on the phone with him, talking about who knows what. But I was soooo excited because for once in a while, I met someone who was 1) single and 2) very interesting. I mean what could go wrong, right? In the back in my mind...I knew something had to be up because...well...that's just how life is. It never really is perfect. Come to find out D was in a "complicated" situation. So complicated, I should've just ran the other way. But no, I thought to myself, "What about how I feel?" My feelings got the best of me...and what should've ended in a week, ended almost 3 months later. Why? I'll let you know...
So in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth--no, lol, well that did happen but that's not where I'm going. :-) Ok, seriously, in the beginning he was really nice and sweet...he was a bit more open with his feelings and I was a little hesitant because well, a lot of guys I'm used aren't really ok with expressing how they feel. But then...he started calling me "his girl"...which I wasn't. No one asked me out...and I wasn't going to "assume" I was in a relationship. Since we over 2,000 miles apart, the next question was when would I come to visit...I wanted to but then I know I couldn't. His situation was very complicated...and once I told him I couldn't come and I didn't want to come...things began to change. He stopped calling as often...stopped calling me his girl...said things were "my call"...and started assuming more things and was beginning to show his true colors, I guess. Deep down I know there's a sensitive, loving man but what I was experiencing was beyond "loving"...
Well tonight (this morning), I told him...I told him that we shouldn't talk anymore. I get it that I'm a difficult person but I'm willing to compromise...if I'm wrong let me know...but don't always hold it against me. That's not how one truly cares. And when I try to point out the WRONG things about the "relationship", my comments are basically ignored. It hurts and gets me upset at the same time. But it's over. Mentally. Emotionally, it'll take some time for my heart to catch up. Because I was willing to jump on a plane and fly over 2k miles for a guy who's not even mine. See the absolutely ludicrousness of the situation?
Man, I was hoping that I wouldn't have another heartache this year...and it all happened so quickly; and knowing him, we'll never talk again. And it's that truth that hurts the most...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
What I wanted
It's interesting how things change over a span of time...the things I wanted, worked hard for, fell in love with, fell out of love with, cared for, thought about, did...some things I still love, still work hard for, still want...after all this time. Other things come and go. Makes me question myself. How much did I really want that pair of shoes? How much did I care about that random conversation? How much did I really love him?
Tonight my two childhood bestfriends confided in me that they always thought I would end up with my ex again. After I told them that he recently got engaged. I thought nothing of it and actually hoped this was it for him--that he was finally happy and at peace.
It's late. I need get back to the life that doesn't wait for me to catch up. But before I go, I have to say, just got back from a Chrisette Michele concert. It was absolutely amazing! She sings great live and adds in the sugar, spice and spunk to make it all work! Glad I went and enjoyed myself.
Now again, back to life.
I wonder what that looks like anymore...
Tonight my two childhood bestfriends confided in me that they always thought I would end up with my ex again. After I told them that he recently got engaged. I thought nothing of it and actually hoped this was it for him--that he was finally happy and at peace.
It's late. I need get back to the life that doesn't wait for me to catch up. But before I go, I have to say, just got back from a Chrisette Michele concert. It was absolutely amazing! She sings great live and adds in the sugar, spice and spunk to make it all work! Glad I went and enjoyed myself.
Now again, back to life.
I wonder what that looks like anymore...
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Dream within a dream
This is an attempt to re-ignite the writer's fire in my heart.
Take one:
Mom and I spoke today and it was for a good while. She told me stories as she relayed her fears to me. It's interesting how much closer we've gotten over the years...after the many nights of wondering if my mom and I were from the same Creator...but then again, once love changes a heart, it's amazing what that heart can do.
Take two:
It's past 1 am and I'm still up, still trying to figure out this life thing. Not life but me. I want a puppy. Maybe a lab or not. I'll start off with getting teddy bears. I know, there's no real connection...but I need something to hold and although I want something to wiggle and bark and pee on my bed (not really looking forward for that) but I'll settle for something I can hold on to as I sleep (yes, I like sleeping with teddy bears...I'm a kid at heart; deal with it).
Take three:
Saturday night and I'm stuck cleaning my room, the kitchen and my hair. I'm feeling lazy and tired but I push myself to clean, wash, clean. My lips are drier than normal and my twins are well, they're coming out again. I just ate a king size bar of butterfingers. I don't like peanuts or its family...
I slept and dreamt that something was being written. Something deep, inspiring, uplifting but this isn't it. Nothing uplifting or life-changing. Just random thoughts that think they belong together. And they don't. They don't even belong here.
Take one:
Mom and I spoke today and it was for a good while. She told me stories as she relayed her fears to me. It's interesting how much closer we've gotten over the years...after the many nights of wondering if my mom and I were from the same Creator...but then again, once love changes a heart, it's amazing what that heart can do.
Take two:
It's past 1 am and I'm still up, still trying to figure out this life thing. Not life but me. I want a puppy. Maybe a lab or not. I'll start off with getting teddy bears. I know, there's no real connection...but I need something to hold and although I want something to wiggle and bark and pee on my bed (not really looking forward for that) but I'll settle for something I can hold on to as I sleep (yes, I like sleeping with teddy bears...I'm a kid at heart; deal with it).
Take three:
Saturday night and I'm stuck cleaning my room, the kitchen and my hair. I'm feeling lazy and tired but I push myself to clean, wash, clean. My lips are drier than normal and my twins are well, they're coming out again. I just ate a king size bar of butterfingers. I don't like peanuts or its family...
I slept and dreamt that something was being written. Something deep, inspiring, uplifting but this isn't it. Nothing uplifting or life-changing. Just random thoughts that think they belong together. And they don't. They don't even belong here.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The apples are green...still
In the span of time of being here and there, I'm slowly losing track of the small things that kept me happy: reading, talking to my mom, admiring nature, writing and just relishing on the small yet important things...I barely have time to enjoy a good movie. Maybe I don't have a good handle on things like I thought I did. All I do is study and once in a blue moon, I do something 'fun', and that in itself does not consist of what Jeffie usually does...
I love what I'll be doing, a good majority of the things I do, the people I'm around and at times, those rare moments I get to glance up and appreciate a sunrise...but along the way, I'm allowing myself to be more restricted, to be so focused on getting 'school work' done that I miss out on some of the things that made me who I am. But maybe this is normal, that at some point in adjusting, refocusing the lenses of life and taking baby steps on a road not ever traveled by one of mine, it's ok to lose sense of self (sort of) along the way.
I still wear red, still love chocolate ice cream, still love green apples, still dream...maybe not as much but I still do. Isn't that the point anyway? Haven't written a piece in a while but the ideas are coming; I just need to get something on paper...something that captures it all:
she said
she didn't want to be here alone
she wasn't afraid in the beginning
because other things were on her mind
the load had different weights
and one heart ached more than the other
but when she closed her eyes,
said her prayers and tried to
there was no one there
just darkness
heap of emptiness
staring back
yet she wasn't afraid
just saddened at how her own heart
lost faith in itself
I'll make the time and hopefully not be an introvert as I reconnect with my inner self. I need to. Something went wrong and I need to deal with it now. And let her loose..
I love what I'll be doing, a good majority of the things I do, the people I'm around and at times, those rare moments I get to glance up and appreciate a sunrise...but along the way, I'm allowing myself to be more restricted, to be so focused on getting 'school work' done that I miss out on some of the things that made me who I am. But maybe this is normal, that at some point in adjusting, refocusing the lenses of life and taking baby steps on a road not ever traveled by one of mine, it's ok to lose sense of self (sort of) along the way.
I still wear red, still love chocolate ice cream, still love green apples, still dream...maybe not as much but I still do. Isn't that the point anyway? Haven't written a piece in a while but the ideas are coming; I just need to get something on paper...something that captures it all:
she said
she didn't want to be here alone
she wasn't afraid in the beginning
because other things were on her mind
the load had different weights
and one heart ached more than the other
but when she closed her eyes,
said her prayers and tried to
there was no one there
just darkness
heap of emptiness
staring back
yet she wasn't afraid
just saddened at how her own heart
lost faith in itself
I'll make the time and hopefully not be an introvert as I reconnect with my inner self. I need to. Something went wrong and I need to deal with it now. And let her loose..
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Losing my innoncence
Funny how the most simple things can cause the most thought-provoking sessions...week one into medical school, I got bitten by at least 8 yellow jackets while volunteering in a park. Week two the venom started reacting, causing me to itch and swell all over. I also caught a cold that began with a really bad sore throat...
It's a rainy day today. Day after Labor Day. Nothing special about starting classes again, or seeing the same new faces in week three of med school. But I feel different. No, not the 'yay, I'm in med school (although that feeling is a constant companion)' but the 'something here reminds me of how close and far I am from home'...
I guess being sick does that to me. I miss my mom, I'm irritable, I'm not as productive as I want to be...I hate being weak. Being in an environment of high stress levels, new friends, new environment--new everything!--doesn't help. I miss home. I miss my own bed. I miss breathing in the island air. I miss being a child...I miss being taken care of.
As I get closer to the dream I've carried in my heart as a child, I feel like I'm losing that child each step of the way...no more careless laughter, or moments where I talk to the trees, or nuzzle with Mickey (my late dog), or stare into the clear blue sky...
I'm here. I made it. Step 1 down. But I feel at times that I'm inadequate...not smart enough...or ingenious enough...but isn't that what medical students fear anyway (at least some)?
At the end of the day...my biggest stone besides God...is me. I need to take care of me. Before school and at times family and friends. Maybe it's the little girl inside of me begging to live again, to run around, to smile and ask questions and keep her heart and face aligned...collaterally feeling for the soul.
I'll do better. Today, I'll do better. I'll study but I won't push myself. I'll take my vitamins and medicine. I'll sleep early. I'll smile a bit more. And be optimistic. :-) He wouldn't bring me here if He knew I couldn't make it. And His grace covers me, all over, in out, from top to bottom.
So my innoncence won't be lost after all...it'll be revealed again over time...
It's a rainy day today. Day after Labor Day. Nothing special about starting classes again, or seeing the same new faces in week three of med school. But I feel different. No, not the 'yay, I'm in med school (although that feeling is a constant companion)' but the 'something here reminds me of how close and far I am from home'...
I guess being sick does that to me. I miss my mom, I'm irritable, I'm not as productive as I want to be...I hate being weak. Being in an environment of high stress levels, new friends, new environment--new everything!--doesn't help. I miss home. I miss my own bed. I miss breathing in the island air. I miss being a child...I miss being taken care of.
As I get closer to the dream I've carried in my heart as a child, I feel like I'm losing that child each step of the way...no more careless laughter, or moments where I talk to the trees, or nuzzle with Mickey (my late dog), or stare into the clear blue sky...
I'm here. I made it. Step 1 down. But I feel at times that I'm inadequate...not smart enough...or ingenious enough...but isn't that what medical students fear anyway (at least some)?
At the end of the day...my biggest stone besides God...is me. I need to take care of me. Before school and at times family and friends. Maybe it's the little girl inside of me begging to live again, to run around, to smile and ask questions and keep her heart and face aligned...collaterally feeling for the soul.
I'll do better. Today, I'll do better. I'll study but I won't push myself. I'll take my vitamins and medicine. I'll sleep early. I'll smile a bit more. And be optimistic. :-) He wouldn't bring me here if He knew I couldn't make it. And His grace covers me, all over, in out, from top to bottom.
So my innoncence won't be lost after all...it'll be revealed again over time...
Friday, June 19, 2009
I saw your name
I saw your name
And my heart didn’t skip a beat
My pupils didn’t get any wider
My senses didn’t quicken
I didn’t get warm all over
Instead my fingers clicked along
On the black keyboard
My eyes passed—without pausing
Over your name
Obsession’s gone
I don’t linger on thoughts of you
Because there is none
Hmm
Yea
I laugh.
This poem was written yesterday, while I was at work. I was going through my 'buddies' list on aim, I scrolled over a certain person's name. My heart didn't jump at all, I didn't pause, my eyes kept on scanning through. It wasn't a non-chalant feeling. It wasn't bitter or sad. It was just it. I was glad.
Last night though, I went to bed, having no intentions of dreaming of anyone, because I have multiple dreams at once. He was there. But not really there. He left a message that I accidentally deleted. Didn't get to read it. And now, I'm thinking, maybe it was never meant to be read and moved on.
Glad to be finished. I'm into 'The Script' and Gavin DeGraw. I like chocolate covered strawberries. I love reading and my writing is where I want it to be. I love sleeping and don't mind sleeping the day away. I'm into cookie dough flavored ice cream. Chocolate's still my favorite though. I'm starting to like *some* beers...I'm leaning towards Irish beer though. I'm into wine, red or white. And this is all me. What I like. No one inspired me to do me. But God..He made me.
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